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Hello! I'm new to the site. After browsing a bit, I couldn't find something I've been thinking about DP/DR. But, first let me introduce myself to set the context...

I'm 18 years old. I've had depersonalization (and/or derealization, my opinion on which one I have varies almost every time I try to figure out) for 4 years. Constant depersonalization every single day for 4 years. Except for a couple of times, where I felt fine for about 4 minutes.

Anyway, I guess I've always been prone to dissociation (when i was 8, I found I was subscribed to internet sites I had never seen, all with really insulting names about my height and stuff, the names seemed familiar, but I couldn't quite remember when I did something like that) and I had a couple depersonalization and derealization episodes (5 mins or less) when on very embarrassing situations (imagine a whole theater of kids laughing at you because you are short).

But my real 'issue' really started when I was 14. I have body odor... I smell like poop and have persisting stomach problems. This was a real hit to me, because I also have narcissistic personality disorder, so shame is like a knife to me. I do remember a few times, when I became more conscious about my odor, talking to my step-father who was about to leave us, when i felt even more disconnected. Very very very horrible. But it's been all more constant, persistent, ever-ending (at least, not as bad as those more extreme episodes) since then.

So, going back to the point of the post, I haven't really noticed 'rumination' until I started looking for a cure for dp (I thought it would eventually go away). I am very philosophical, think a lot about existence, God, how we perceive the world and such, but I don't think of it as a bad thing (in fact, I'm a little bit scared of all this thinking going away if i ever get cured from dp, as I love it and it doesn't stress me at all).

So, the main topic of this post: is rumination really a bad thing? I find it fascinating.
And, is depersonalization really a bad thing? I mean, of course we don't get to feel good things or normal moments as we should, but we also don't get to feel bad moments as we should, which I feel as a blessing.

What do you think?
 
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