In May 2012, I ate a piece of pot cookie. It was the worst decision of my life. I had tried marijuana a couple of times before (smoking), but just a few puffs and without much effect. In any case, after eating the pot cookie I had a major panic attack-my thoughts and actions seemed so very disconnected, and I thought I was going mad. The entire experience lasted several hours-trying to fall asleep, I awoke to find that only minutes had passed. I thought I was going to die, and called my partner to come home from work. I experienced terror, a sense of impending doom, and the worst fear I ever experienced in my entire life. Memories, thoughts, and flashes of life rang louder than anything I've ever experienced. My partner calmed me down over the phone and after coming home, finally soothed me so that I could fall asleep. The next morning, I felt a little off, not entirely "myself". We went to watch a movie with friends and I felt this sense of terror and fear creeping
up during the movie, I was extremely anxious and had to step out to breathe for a bit. This calmed me down. A couple of days passed and I still felt "off", kind of like I was high. People said that it was just the "bad trip" wearing off. And the feeling eventually passed. Though, I often felt as though something was slightly changed and even mentioned to my partner a few times that I probably would never be exactly the same. Months went by and of course I felt "normal" again.
In November 2012, I decided to drive home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was an 8-9 hour drive because of all the traffic. I was tired and drank a large 24 ounce cup of coffee along with two red bulls, and a couple of diet cokes. Additionally, I had a Starbucks Frappuccino that morning. We arrived home and I got to my mom's house, and just crashed. I fell asleep and woke up about 8 hours later. I woke up and jumped in the shower, and while in the shower started feeling strange. I felt high and the enclosed space of the shower started spinning. I began to panic and passed out. I don't think I fully passed out, because I recall getting
right back up as soon as I hit the floor. Things were not the same when I came to. I felt detached, dream-like, kind of "high", like I had the first time I experienced the pot cookie. This made no sense though; I had not taken any drugs, had not (and will never) eaten a pot cookie, or smoked marijuana. I thought, this is it, I'm going insane, or I have a brain tumor. Later, after a bit of research and internet searches, I came to discover that I had possibly become depersonalized. I experienced it the first time I tried the pot cookie, and now
it had come back, with a vengeance. Perhaps in response to all the caffeine I siphoned into my body, or the chronic and underlying stress/ anxiety prompted by work/ school/ past trauma, etc., depersonalization (DP) returned. It's been several months and I'm still struggling with DP. I've had several appointments with primary care physicians and a neurologist to rule out any medical/ organic cause (all clear on this front), and am now seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Both seem to think this is a result of anxiety.
It's just been such a frustrating experience while trying to stay "connected" with people, my partner, work, and school. And lately, I've had really intense feelings of fear that I'm going to stay this way forever, or that this will evolve into something else, and also strange thoughts like, "Am I in a dream? Is my partner real? Am I real? Am I delusional because I keep having these thoughts?" I'm sure I don't believe these things, but I wonder why I keep having these strange thoughts and obsessing over them. I think it's because I feel so detached and disconnected from everything that these thoughts are prompted, and then I freak myself out by paying them so much attention. I feel here, but not here, and it worries me so much.
I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced these strange thoughts before? And if people have felt as if they're going insane or becoming delusional?? I guess I'm just looking for reassurance to normalize my experience with this whole thing. Thanks for reading!
up during the movie, I was extremely anxious and had to step out to breathe for a bit. This calmed me down. A couple of days passed and I still felt "off", kind of like I was high. People said that it was just the "bad trip" wearing off. And the feeling eventually passed. Though, I often felt as though something was slightly changed and even mentioned to my partner a few times that I probably would never be exactly the same. Months went by and of course I felt "normal" again.
In November 2012, I decided to drive home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was an 8-9 hour drive because of all the traffic. I was tired and drank a large 24 ounce cup of coffee along with two red bulls, and a couple of diet cokes. Additionally, I had a Starbucks Frappuccino that morning. We arrived home and I got to my mom's house, and just crashed. I fell asleep and woke up about 8 hours later. I woke up and jumped in the shower, and while in the shower started feeling strange. I felt high and the enclosed space of the shower started spinning. I began to panic and passed out. I don't think I fully passed out, because I recall getting
right back up as soon as I hit the floor. Things were not the same when I came to. I felt detached, dream-like, kind of "high", like I had the first time I experienced the pot cookie. This made no sense though; I had not taken any drugs, had not (and will never) eaten a pot cookie, or smoked marijuana. I thought, this is it, I'm going insane, or I have a brain tumor. Later, after a bit of research and internet searches, I came to discover that I had possibly become depersonalized. I experienced it the first time I tried the pot cookie, and now
it had come back, with a vengeance. Perhaps in response to all the caffeine I siphoned into my body, or the chronic and underlying stress/ anxiety prompted by work/ school/ past trauma, etc., depersonalization (DP) returned. It's been several months and I'm still struggling with DP. I've had several appointments with primary care physicians and a neurologist to rule out any medical/ organic cause (all clear on this front), and am now seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Both seem to think this is a result of anxiety.
It's just been such a frustrating experience while trying to stay "connected" with people, my partner, work, and school. And lately, I've had really intense feelings of fear that I'm going to stay this way forever, or that this will evolve into something else, and also strange thoughts like, "Am I in a dream? Is my partner real? Am I real? Am I delusional because I keep having these thoughts?" I'm sure I don't believe these things, but I wonder why I keep having these strange thoughts and obsessing over them. I think it's because I feel so detached and disconnected from everything that these thoughts are prompted, and then I freak myself out by paying them so much attention. I feel here, but not here, and it worries me so much.
I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced these strange thoughts before? And if people have felt as if they're going insane or becoming delusional?? I guess I'm just looking for reassurance to normalize my experience with this whole thing. Thanks for reading!
