[jake]

Seems being a compulsive person and obsessive too---though these parts are better in my life--I would have seen easier how I DO obsess and feel terribly compulsive emotionally. I don't wash my hands or count, but I have certain triggers which send me into fear based obsession--well I dunno-is there any other kind? haa. But hre's one of my triggers which creates self hating and frustration---reaching out to make a new friend, seemingly there's a rhythm to this, a back and forth, reciprocal thing. But then if the other person changes or drops off contact for some reason. This is a real BIG deal to me. I was told years ago if ppl put out mixed messages the only thing I need to know further about them is this: They Are Mixed Up--protect and care for self immediately. Don't compulsively reach out and obsessively try to understand where they are coming from. Basic bottom line--it feeds my abandonment and also makes me feel crazy. So my pledge to myself---avoid crazy-making behavior in myslef and others. Yep I'm getting better.

 

[jake]

This was an important post for me the day I wrote it, b/cuz I had just been confounded by someone elses behavior, had asked for feedback or communication, and gotten blocked out. So for me it is healthier to see what I keep choosing than to blame the other person. I seem to be drawn to fearful rejectors. I need to deal with it.
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I can only assume that when someone's behavior changes toward me and we don't even know eacohther very well yet, and they won't tell me what's going on-- OR if they are a person who is a "here and gone" type person (I used to be like this alot)-- then my choice of people to communicate with is OFF track and needs evaluation. Especially since mixed or unclear communication is a big-time set-up for my obsessing. For my self doubt --followed quickly by self hate, and DP. B/cuz I'm left guessing and guess the worst!
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I feel crazy, b/cuz I feel unreal, b/cuz the person won't or can't help me understand.
There are such people and they don't think anything about just blowing people off. I used to be one of them. I didn't think I was hurting anybody. And these people are a must to avoid. How do I know who is going to be like that after only a couple of conversations which seem to be mutual and have a natural flow? There are some red flags. I can choose to pay attention to my gut.
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Other times I will have to see it happen and walk away shaking my head again. The most important thing I need to do is care for me, and not resent them or me. I can look for how I put myself into this position to be hurt.
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They are who they are and well...they've shown me their true colors. I was told once to THANK people for showing me this (not outloud) and move on.
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My whole point is people will disappoint for whatever reason. Maybe they aren't mean, just careless---maybe they don't want to hurt people but they don't want to know about it if they do. A very very few are probably really just kinda...nuts...afraid people. Afraid of losing control or being controlled so they go into control mode themselves. Some will discuss things with me and some can't or won't. I need to not obsess that it's something I did. Thats old abandonment needs acting up in me. I will treat myself better every day. Nobody's perfect but I do have bottom lines of what I think I should tolerate or not in people. Just needed to explain this post better, for me. It was areal moment of clarity. If you get some thing out of it, thats cool too!

 

[Sojourner]

This is somewhat related, Jake, but probably not totally on target: I've recently had the insight that I ought to form judgments about people much sooner than I do. If I went with the first sign of something being not quite right and an indicator of a blockage in communication or emotional maturity, I would probably not suffer when the evidence became irrefutable and I had to pull away.

Yet I feel it's unfair to judge that something will not work too quickly. Finding the balance is a work in progress.

 

[Sojourner]

But I do know what you mean about feeling icky when someone pulls away. I thought of what I just said in my previous post in relation to waiting too long to stop forward movement in a friendship when a little development has occurred. I think I'm saying that in your case, perhaps you saw signs of friendship and then POOF! And then "blocked out."

To me, the only time such behavior is acceptable is right at the initial stage of the friendship, before either party has had a chance to develop emotional ties with the other person. If you wait too long, blocking someone out is hurtful. So, I think I'm saying, for me, at least, deciding whether I want to be friends with someone is something that I am going to do a lot more quickly than I used to. I have too often reserved judgment and then felt guilty later for ending the relationship. And I also feel like a fool for not having gone with my instinct -- something I knew within the first 20 minutes and overlooked perhaps because I was lonely and then debated whether what bothered me was all that important to begin with.

 

[jake]

I hear ya on this. Not reaching out at all is just fear. Reaching out a little and testing the waters is risky but worth taking. Meanwhile paying attention to (NOT monitoring constantly, LOL) how it feels. Not having too big of xpecrations but having some. Not writing people off too soon nor waiting too long to say this isn't what I want. It will be a lifelong learning, that is for sure. And yep I've been on both sides of it like you said: the one bailing too late and hurting someone, and feling I got blocked out too soon. If it continues o feel reciprocal and there is communication, I think that is Job One. I got alot out of your reply!
----Clay

 

[Da'Burgh]

My GP diagnosed me with OCD tendencies too. As an anxiety type, of course it took me while to accept.

 

[Martinelv]

The solution to this problem is in the title of the thread. Don't think about OCD!