Needing some encouragement

1663 Views 10 Replies 4 Participants Last post by Heather414, Mar 26, 2020

Heather414

Discussion Starter · Mar 9, 2020

Hey guys. I'm feeling pretty down today. I miss myself. I miss the way I used to experience life. Life is just so meaningless right now. I hate this blank mind thing. Nothing has meaning anymore. I miss having solid memories and being interested in doing things. I just want to feel alive again and in my body/mind. Just the simple fact of living is overwhelming. It feels like I've never done it before. I'm not suicidal, I'm actually scared of death. I just feel so trapped in this body that I dont know what to do with. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

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Heather414

Discussion Starter · #5 · Mar 12, 2020 (Edited by Moderator)

Al_pk said:
Hi Heather, I've been having a terrible time these past 2 years with intrusive thoughts, nothing feeling familar, no emotions, difficult access to memories. Many, many symptoms

Recently i've felt more of my old brain returning. It's not perfect but it's a great start. Things will get better for you also. I never thought I'd feel any better. The brain wants to be functioning optimally and even now is working towards health. Things always get better, layers peel away until you are slowly but surely your old self. It'll come.

Al

I'm happy to hear that you're making some kind of progress! I still feel emotions but they're pretty dull. I noticed I dont have the ability to feel "bad" emotions. Like being sad, angry, etc... which is quite strange. Idk if it's some kind of defense mechanism my brain has conjured up. I really think it might be. The past couple times I saw my therapist and we would start talking about "the bad stuff" I would become extremely light headed and spaced out.

The memory thing is the worst for me. It's almost like I forgot how to have memories. It's like Im living in the current moment TOO much if that makes sense. Like Im not able to took forward or backward on my life, AT ALL. It seriously feels like I have some kind of amnesia. I feel worse than when it first started.

Do you have any advice on how to start working towards getting better?

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Heather414

Discussion Starter · #7 · Mar 19, 2020

Al_pk said:
To my understanding, the brain shuts down higher functions like emotion when it is in fight or flight mode. This includes negative emotions and the same happened to me.

I have all the memory things Heather so I understand. It is like I am trapped in the moment, unable to cast my mind forwards and backwards, unable to enjoy my memories or review my life. This has gotten a bit better to the point where I know what I've been doing and the significance of it, but I have no personal connection to the memories and I don't enioy them. Like what I did yesterday was another person.

I found the same thing happened to me in therepy Heather. You probably know that I'm not the number 1 fanboy of therepy.

My recovery strategy is based on getting mental rest. I do enough with my day to try and convince my brain it is not in danger and then I get rest. This includes a lot of sleep. I take medications that helped my insomnia.

It's all you can really do. Mental rest, and you've got to give it a lot of time. For me, i was just damn awful so it comes as no surprise that i'm still suffering after 2 years. But I am so much better now. You will be too.

Al

Thank you so so much for the words of encouragement. Sometimes I almost remember what it's like to be without this. But it's so far away. I just hope that one day I can feel that again. I feel so okay but so wrong at the same time. The only symptoms I have are the mental ones, they're stopping me from truly feeling like myself. Like everything is so ok but so wrong at the same time if that makes sense. I will definitely listen to your strategy and try to just give my brain a break and more rest.

It's very strange though I noticed with my problems with visualizing. When I'm awake I have problems with it, like it's there but so far away. When Im dreaming though, woah its totally different. It's almost like Im more alive in my mind when In sleeping.

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Heather414

Discussion Starter · #9 · Mar 22, 2020 (Edited by Moderator)

Hey guys I just had a really bad moment. My friend called me when I was sleeping and I answered it in a half awake, half asleep state and started talking to him about what was going on in my dream. Mixing the real world and my dream world. He was confused and started freaking out which made me freak out and dissociate EXTRA hard. As Icwas waking up and looking around my room everything in front of me felt so unreal that it felt like I was blind, if that makes sense. Like everything was so disconnected that my eyes literally couldn't register what was in front of me. It was very scary and I'm still kind of feeling like this.

I'm so scared, I'm so terrified. I dont want to be like this forever but I'm so far and disconnected from myself that I'm scared I'm never going to get myself back. I dont remember what it's like to be connected with reality. I feel so mentally sick.

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Heather414

Discussion Starter · #11 · Mar 26, 2020

Al_pk said:
Hi Heather. The feelings and sensations of DP are ONLY possible whilst you have DP. They cannot be recreated by a healthy mind. So all you need to do is work on allowing your brain recovery, and it will happen.

I do not know how long your recovery will take, I'm not a mystic. But I have been where you are and now I am out. It will happen for you too, it simply won't be like this forever.

Al

Thank you so much for the encouragement! My brain is doing this weird thing where it bounces back and forth from being focused on DP to trying to be in the moment and it honestly drives me crazy. It feels like I have no control over it, like sometimes its every 5 seconds (feeling ok, anxious, ok, anxious and so on....)

I also find I'm terrified to be alone, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I dont have anything to distract me from it. Atleast when I'm with friends I'm still disconnected but way more distracted from it. When I'm alone I cant ever sleep, I'm up until atleast 8am every day. Theres something about staying up until the sun comes up where I feel the most calm. The main symptoms I have are still just the mental ones, I sometimes get that spaced out feeling but it doesnt happen too often.

I'm just scared that I'm actually recovered and dont just remember what actual reality feels like. But if that were the case then I obviously wouldnt still be on here or questioning everything. Right?

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