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Hello, i am a 19 year old boy from Norway.
I have been lurking on this site for a while without creating an account. This is my first post. Last summer I went to spain with some friends to celebrate the end of high school. The second night I consumed a huge amount of alcohol. The next day I felt like shit. We ate lunch and suddenly I felt so weird. From one second to another one something had changed. I thought that someone had drugged me because the feeling was so strong. I felt high. I was so paranoid and all I wanted to do was to go home. We went back to the place we were staying and the next day I went to Barcelona to meet some other friends. The feeling hadn't left me. I felt that I had had lost my self completely that I was not present anymore. I started googling my symptoms and found out immediately what I had. Depersonalization and derealization. That was the worst summer of my life. I told my mother what had happened and she was supportive but probably didn't understand the severity of it. I Read stories about people struggling decades with this condition and I was crying every day. The feelings have still not left me. The last year has been so fucking tough and it still is a challenge every day with this stupid feeling. I didn't know that this hell existed, I have never struggled with my mental health and didn't even believe it was a thing before this all happened. Man I was so wrong. Everyday has been a challenge. I finished high school with excellent grades and was going to uni. I didn't know how I was going to survive with this constant feeling. I told myself that I had to try and that not doing anything would not make it any better. It was constant hell. I didn't know how to make friends with people anymore. I felt that every one has watching me and judging me. I felt so disconnected from everything, I felt that myself had left and that something still had to deal with this life and with my existence, I felt dead (still do) I cried almost everyday. It was constant hell. I told myself that I had to get rid of this. I barely focused on school the only thing I wanted was so for this feeling to go away. I watched a ton of videos on YouTube telling me it's only anxiety. I went to a psychologist and she told me the same thing. I have no anxiety I just feel dead. I knew it wasn't only anxiety and for the people that believe that this is only anxiety you can suck my balls. I downloaded Harris Harrington's program and did every single exercice he had to offer for months. It got better and I think a lot of what he is saying is true and it made me realize a lot of shit about my family the way I have been raised, but I still haven't been able to get rid of this stupid feeling. I realized that I have a lot of problems to deal with and a very dark side to myself. I still managed to pass all of my exams even though I felt like a dead zombie. Next year I am taking a break from my studies. I feel emotionally numb, I feel different on the inside, I feel weird and totally different in my head. I just need some support at the moment i think. My friends and family are supportive but I don't think they understand the severity of what I am going through. I had a fight with my mom and I pushed her out of my room. She fell and hit her head. Fortunately she is okay. I went to the airport and just decided to leave to Spain and live in a hostel for a week. I just don't care anymore. Yesterday I went out partying and I felt this intense urge to end it all on my way home. To just kill my self and end all the suffering. Thinking about how I am missing out on my life and that i will probably struggle with dpd for a very long time. Today has been a shit day like so many other days this past year with this constant feeling of being disconnected from my self and things around me. It's so sad to think about how my life was and how it is now. I was so social before and now I hate it, I barely talk to my friends. This has destroyed my life..
 

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I watched a ton of videos on YouTube telling me it's only anxiety. I went to a psychologist and she told me the same thing. I have no anxiety I just feel dead. I knew it wasn't only anxiety and for the people that believe that this is only anxiety you can suck my balls...
I'm happy that you have the balls to say it.

I'm all seriousness though, welcome to the forum. You will find plenty of support here (though unfortunately into all virtual...though maybe that is a good thing?), and not gonna lie, there are definitely some here that will also tell you it's all just anxiety. Probably the most frequent and ferocious debate point in here, especially in the recovery section.

The truth is, we are all here for a variety of different reasons. Different people have had different triggers, a plethora of symptoms,and different treatment options have made them better. There's definitely no one-size fits all solution to this condition. Hell, we are probably all experiencing different conditions, neurologically and psychologically speaking. Nobody has all the answers for everybody. For some, reducing stress and getting back to the grind of life was enough. One person found out he had epilepsy and became mostly normal again through ECT. I know of at least one person, convinced she had it the worst, totally blank minded, attributed her problem to antibiotic usage. Then over a period of a couple weeks she just suddenly snapped back, no intervention at all.

It's definitely a complicated web to weave through, especially if you are also suffering from horrendous brain fog. However, one thing you will have here that will be difficult to find "on the outside" are people who at least approximately understand what you are going through. Perhaps you can find someone whose story approximates yours, which might help you brainstorm possible solutions.

At any rate, welcome to the forum, and I hope you are able to find what you are seeking here.
 

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I also had the "I am dead" feeling . 2018 was the worst year in my life

the feeling will get better trust me . just try to lower your anxiety if you have any (you say you have no anxiety though . ok) and try to get more control of things in life .

for example I developed the "I am dead" feeling after a panic attack in early 2018 or so . I had constant panic and horrible anxiety , horrible pure o ocd , and all kind of stuff for many months after the attack. I am better now but a few weeks ago I had another panic attack where I used my logic and got out of it by myself with beating the shit out of the panic attack and I havent become paralyzed or traumatized by the panic attack unlike the one in early 2018 . because I told myself that I am fine and that it is in my head which made me even more realize that I am not dead and I have not died in 2018

also apply these 3 tricks here which I just wrote in another thread :

https://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/94580-most-bizarre-crippling-thought-ive-had-yet/page-2

otherwise if it doesnt get away with time you might want to go to a psychiatrist and antipsychotic medications might help . I dont like psycho meds and would prefer you to get better without them but if you dont get better with time you might want to see a doc . (and no you are not schizophrenic or anything but antipsychotics can help with such stuff too)

but trust me either way that feeling will go away . promise me that you will not harm yourself . believe me you dont want to know what I have been through in the last 2 years . I would have never thought that I will get to the level of now . I thought my life is completely over . but it does get better . I strongly believe that even if I got better that all people will get better .
 
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