[Fromhollandwithlove]

Hello everyone,

Last couple of weeks I'm in this pattern where I juggle between the following type of symptoms:

• Feeling Robotic
• Feeling unrealistic
• Over-analyzing my own body and movement (Questions race through my mind thinking: How do my eyes work, how can I process stuff and so on)
• Feeling like its just me and my Inner-monologue (I actually kinda feel comfortable when this phase comes by). I don't feel emotions when I'm in this state, but still its better then feeling robotic.
• Sometimes I actually feel kinda nice, but when I start thinking about how it would feel to be NORMAL, it weirds me out and I start the loop of symptoms again.... It's like, I can't even possibly IMAGINE feeling normal, theres where anxiety kicks in and slips me back into DP.
• Getting stuck on existential questions like: Who am I? What makes me, me? That kind of stuff...

My mind is always being occupied by just ONE of these symptoms at a time, they can vary/juggle throughout the day.

I have actually made progress by just PUSHING myself to do stuff.. I always think that I can't do certain kind of activities (like going to the gym, sauna or whatever), because my dissociation might become really severe, but it never really happens (I usually just start to feel really robotic when I'm doing something I'm scared of)... Whenever I come home from these kind of activities I say to myself: "See, that wasn't that bad".

My memory and cognitive skills seem to work perfectly (even though it can be REALLY hard to focus on something when my DP is peaking).

When my DP peaks, I always tend to go to this forum and read recovery stories to make myself feel "Good" again... It calms me down knowing that I just need to push myself and live my life (To me it seems like MOST people recover by just living life and having a "f*ck it attitude).

During the evenings I feel around 80 - 90% normal, because I tire myself out during the day with intens workouts and late night swimming.. When I'm really tired during the evening I just slip into this "fuck it" mindset and am able to relax.

--

What would be the last step to break this pattern? I actually feel like I'm kinda recovering, since my sleep is under control again, my anxiety isn't that bad anymore and I can feel emotions on good days (crying about my past, processing stuff etc). I also feel like recovering, because sometimes I have these brief moments during the day where everything "clicks" again. Usually its just short because I ruin it by getting back to thinking about what DP feels like :S

It's mostly the robotic feeling on bad days and the over-analyzing about how my body works that ruins progress....

Maybe I should engage in social contact a bit more? I tend to stay at home with my parents and do most things on my own, because it feels safe. I stopped working because it was interfering with my sleep and I needed a break. Maybe start working a bit again?

Benzo's work really well for me (I rarely use them, only when I'm feeling REALLY bad). They make me feel real and slow down my thoughts. Would this mean that my DP is anxiety related? I'm scared of using this for a longer period of time, but it might be able to break the pattern for a longer time so I can accustome to feeling normal. Whatever normal feels like.

I have tried one SSRI (citalopram), but that's what sended me into this dark pit.

 

[PerfectFifth]

What would be the last step to break this pattern?

Honestly, you know the answer to that better than anyone else could. The experience is very subjective, and even if someone could relate to your description of symptoms, what they really feel could be entirely different. Verbal descriptions regarding complex subjective issues like this are extremely open for interpretation.

You stated:

During the evenings I feel around 80 - 90% normal, because I tire myself out during the day with intens workouts and late night swimming.. When I'm really tired during the evening I just slip into this "fuck it" mindset and am able to relax.

This means that you have a way to affect its severity; that's already a good sign. Just keep doing trial & error, and see what works. It could very well be solely from anxiety if being able to relax has such a profound impact on it.

For me, it's completely arbitrary. I have absolutely no way to affect its severity, and it acts on its own whims. So you're already doing better than me for example. But then again I can't relate to any of your symptoms, so chances are that whatever we have is not the same thing.

 

[Fromhollandwithlove]

Thanks for replying PerfectFifth!

Hmm yes I feel the culprit could be anxiety and OCD that keeps me in this loop.

My sleeping patterns improved but I still wake up many times during the night which kinda gives me the idea that Anxiety is keeping me DP'd. As Anxiety usually also impacts sleep.

I'll discuss it with my Psychologist.

Thanks again!

 

[esroh]

hey bro, when i read the "fuck it" mind set you have in the evenings i cracked up cause thats exactly what i have. I usually only feel better when the day is behind me and im so exhausted that i just cant worry about things anymore.

I also read through the recovery section whenever i feel completely fucked. Just some straw to hold onto..

I dont have much advice except to keep in mind that you feel begtter when you dont worry so you can at least certainly get to that place eventually. Thats also what im working on. But every day there is a fucking war going on in my mind..

 

[Fromhollandwithlove]

@Esroh: Hehe yeah it really feels like a war in our minds. Whenever I wake up in the morning its like: Oke, gotta survive this day, try to make the best of it and look forward to evenings so I can relax

I think that our minds are just way to active in the morning/daytime and in the evening our thought process slows down to a degree where we can think: fuck it..

Still its annoying that we have to fight this war for the largest part of the day tho...

@perfectfifth: I forgot to add that that I'm sorry to hear you are unable to regulate your symptoms... how long have you had DP? What kind of symptoms you have?