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Hi everyone,
I’ve been putting off posting on here because I guess I just thought it would mean I’m settling and I don’t really want to feel like that but whatever.
I could really use some words of encouragement right now. DP has completely took over me and put a stop to my life.

Here’s my story:

I had my first encounter with dpdr 8 years ago, when I was 19. I had an allergic reaction and my lip was really swollen, causing me to go into absolute panic mode. I went to the pharmacy, got Benadryl and started taking it. From that day I started having bad heart palpitations and a bad feeling, which I would soon realize was anxiety. At the time, I didn’t know this so I went to the hospital, they ran tests and everything was fine. I went to my PCP, who was my childhood doctor, and knowing the history my mom had with anxiety, he prescribed me Xanax. I took Xanax every morning, as instructed, but I soon fell into a bout of uncontrollable depression and then came the dpdr. I looked all over the internet until I found the name for what I was experiencing. During this time, I was in my last month as a senior in high school so I had a lot going on. I went to grad bash, still felt the anxiety/depression. Once I got back home all I did was sleep. Sleep and cry. My family wasn’t very supportive but thankfully my best friends family took me in during this time.Her grandparents took me to a psychiatrist. The meeting was unofficial and she kinda just took me outside, talked to me and told me to stop taking the Xanax. I wish I could remember the exact details of that conversation but honestly all I remember is her telling me to walk and look at nature and stuff. I hadn’t gone to school in two weeks but I started going again so I could graduate. I’m not sure how I got better, but I did. I went to prom, I graduated and I moved on with my life.


Now, during these 8 years, I would have times of anxiety, sad days, and even some thoughts of dpdr here and there but nothing that would last more than a minute.
Fast forward to April 21, 2021. I decided to eat a marijuana gummy because why not. I had been drinking (as I often did, I’ve always been a drinker) and I though not much of a smoker, I had smoked here and there and had only ever had a bad trip once in my life. I took the edible and I thought it wasn’t hitting until about an hour in. Everything went slo-mo and cue panic mode. I was with my best friends and they tried to calm me down but I isolated myself and rode it out. The following month, I was fine. I did feel kind of weird but I didn’t put much thought into it. Then, on May 12, I got on a plane to Puerto Rico. Had a small panic attack, which was weird because I like planes. I felt weird in PR but still, nothing major. Was having some mild dpdr but would brush it off. May 17, coming back from PR, had about 5 panic attacks on the plane. I thought it was my blood pressure though. I landed at about 7am, got home and went to sleep. I woke up at 2PM and I knew it was back. Right away. I woke up and instantly felt the brain shocks, anxiety and sadness that I had felt 8 years ago in the first bout of whatever this is. I told my mom what was going on and she took my to a psychiatrist. Now, while waiting to see the psychiatrist I made the connection I had failed to make before taking that damn edible. The first time I had this episode, I had experienced my first bad trip with weed 5 months before. I know it’s bold to make that connection but I fully believe both of these times, weed has been the trigger. My theory is that the first panic attack on weed puts my nerves in a hypersensitive state which then puts me in “freeze” mode when a second attack happens. I saw the psychiatrist, explained this and he agreed and said I just needed to “rebalance the chemicals in my brain” and put me on Paxil. I took Paxil for 8 days and was met with terrible feelings of my brain being electrocuted and just feeling worse, so I stopped. Didn’t take anything for the next three weeks until my next appt. I was hoping my brain would somehow rewire itself like last time. No such luck, I started having severe panic attacks because of the dpdr, crying everyday and just shaking from pure fear.
I spoke to a couple of therapists during this time but nothing really helped.
June 17, I have my second appt with the psychiatrist and explain what happened. He prescribed me Prozac and an antipsychotic Respideral because I told him I wasn’t sleeping well and was having racing thoughts.
I researched the antipsychotic and got scared by the reviews so have not taken it.I was also against starting the Prozac, but I was feeling really desperate the next day and my mom convinced me to take it. I’m not sure what happened but ten minutes laterI had a super weird feeling like I was completely detached and started panicking to my mom. That evening I felt some kind of relief but still didn’t feel 100%, I was thinking I had a snap or something. I realized later that the dr had lifted. I no longer had the visual effects of dpdr like the blurry vision, tunnel vision, etc. The next few days didn’t really feel much different, then yesterday the dp was really bad and I was feeling the dr coming back so I decided to stop the Prozac today.
I pray to God everyday but I just feel completely beat down by this. I panic so much I literally can’t do anything, even being on my phone freaks me out sometimes. I feel so disconnected from my body and I miss myself so much. I feel bad going anywhere because I’m so envious of everyone so blissfully oblivious to this terrible disorder. My family invites me to get together but I hate being this way around them. I miss my life so much, I hate every single thought being consumed by this. I don’t understand how people tall about distraction when I literally can’t do anything to distract myself, I can’t even imagine working. I wish so badly I could go back in time and never eat that gummy, even though I can’t and it’s so frustrating. I feel like I’ll never be anywhere close to normal again and it breaks my heart completely.
 
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