Hi everyone, I posted here a few weeks ago but im still really struggling and im just so confused.
Basically ive had OCD for as long as I can remember, and im 21 now. The coronavirus lockdown situation in my country has been really messed up and theres been strict measures, so ive gone from (despite the ocd which was manageable) being pretty happy and sociable to now never being able to go out and not having any of my usual life structure. I want to think its just that, just intense anxiety taking over, but everything feels inexplicably strange.
Ive had dp/dr symptoms before, in fact they are quite common and i had my first bad bout of it when i was 14 that lasted for months, but i understood it, accepted it and eventually realized i didnt feel that way anymore, just struggled with other ocd stuff, getting occasional bouts of dp/dr but it not having such a grip on me as it used to.
Last month, though, i dont know what happened. I just got so freaking overwhelmed after going to my boyfriends house for the first time in months and it was like a big shock. It feelt like nothing was real and like i was floating away, but, i understood the feeling and was "okay" with it.
However, i was very anxious and in my head the whole time, having hypochondriac thoughts, obsessing over how i felt and the fact that even being outside felt odd after all this, until it just sort of spiraled out of control.
It started feeling like i didnt know what was wrong! I didnt even feel "unreal" anymore, i didnt know WHAT i felt, like my thoughts were moving so fast i couldnt see, but they didnt even feel like thoughts, idk how to explain it, and it felt like my "vision" was weird and that's been whats really stuck with me. The thing is though that its not my vision, i can see everything just fine, my vision is 20/20, but it almost feels like im not processing whats around me, like it doesnt look fake, it almost feels like all my surroundings mush together even though its not a hallucination its more like a feeling i dunno?!?
I almost wish it were visual snow or things swirling because then i could explain it! This is just so random. I did do an online amsler grid test and it felt like the lines were odd, like weird circles arlund them, but not even really, i honestly cant tell anymore! I feel like all i am is doubt. Ever since this has happened, ive doubted if im even alive, ive wondered, maybe i have always felt this way, thats just how my vision works but im just over analyzing it.
It feels like i am going crazy or like im delusional because ive even had a feeling like "maybe theres a weird energy around my arms, like i feel SOMETHING but i cant tell", and then i had this idea that there was a "hole" above my head, but i know that makes sense but it was as if i could "feel" it even though i know tjats not possible.
So since i know none of this is possible, i got afraid that maybe im in an alternate dimension, that maybe im the only person in the universe experiencing this, and maybe something is horribly warped in me that i will never be able to get rid of even when i die.
Its absolutely terrifying but it follows me with everything. The worst thing is i used to be afraid i was "crazy" or had a brain tumor, now its not even any of that it feels like none of that is real like im not human.
But the weird part is, i dont FEEL the same unreal stuff i used to feel. Or i cant tell even. When i try to tell myself "look, you are feeling dissociated you are anxious it's normal " i almost feel i am making up the dp/dr just to try and say its dissociation, when really i am doomed, i am the only person warped like my whole consciousness is warped and i know it mKes no logical sense but then why do my surroundings seem weird? Not FAKE or unreal, but its almost as if all of this were only happening in theory. I can function just fine, ive even been able to laugh here and there when im distracted, but then when i notice my mind says "maybe you werent really enjoying yourself, you just are lying to yourself and everything is warped"
These thoughts say nothing could be as bad as this, not even dp/dr because at least that has an explanation, maybe this doesnt, even being crazy would be better than this! And its like it's something different every day, the last few days, i wad having weird thoughts about existence itself, like its so odd to be alive, the way we process information, the fact that we have memories or can think of stuff, as if the whole human experience felt WRONG or gross to me, and that felt sickening! Im someone who LOVES life usually, but now i have thoughts of "maybe even hugs arent so appealing, what if everything i do or feel is warped" it goes back and forth between those two fears. Even when i listen to music, i have fears that maybe my hearing perception is super messed up, so i "feel" like the music is glitching even though I know its not i can hear just fine and see just fine or so I think! But then why does it all seem so weird?
And its almost like anything i can think of, i can feel. I worried my vision and perception was "split in two" and when that thought comes up, it almost feels like its true, like i can only see reality in one side at a time, as if it were split vertically but its not!
This is so long, its all this and so much more. My ocd has a history of making it seem like i felt things i didnt want to with intrusive thoughts and feelings, but it was always real things "like what if you felt attracted towards someone you shouldnt"
How did my ocd now make me feel like my "consciousness is distorted " when thats not even real? But whrn i look at stuff it feels odd like there's a blind spot in my very consciousness but idek what that means all i know is im so scared of even touching feeling anything because my mind says im horribly permanently warped and im so surrounded by doubt that i dont even know what i feel what i dont!
Ive been trying to read about someone who has my symptoms, but the very problem is even i dont know what i feel or if anything is wrong at all, so theres no way i could read something that would explain it.
It makes me question life itself, though. How can everything feel SO weird in an inexplicable way? If anyone has any insight idk it would be greatly appreciated. Im almost feeling like life itself isnt even worth living, like maybe the human experience itself just seems weird to me now and unnatural and maybe ill never enjoy it again. How can i see everything fine but FEEL like its all warped and morphing together, or like i cant focus on anything without it feeling "jiggly" even though its NOT moving, its just inexplicable! And yt sometimes i "notice" the weirdness so strongly. Is this just ocd fearing i have something inexplicable so it mKes it so?!!? I have had feelings of dp/dr too and maybe my vision is a little tired but in my mind it feels bigger than my vision it feels like life itself is warped! Idk how im ever gonna feel better if i dont even knwo what i feel. A physical sensation can go away but this abstractness? How could it go away if im not even sure its here ajd yt i have thoughts saying "you are in agony and will be permanently " until i CANT EVEN TELL WHAT I FEEL OR DONT!!!!! I cant look at anything donANYTHINg it all feels warped!