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Hey guys this is my first post here but I am in a bit of a pickle to say it mildly... Its a long story but I hope you will help because this is pretty bad...

I have been in benzo withdrawal since March this year I was at 5mg ativan for 1 month, and before that December 2017 till februari about 1-3mg Ativan

I have had BIG TIME stress all year because of these damn benzo's and I didn't even have dp/dr yet, it all started with a cold turkey of Ativan in Januari from 1mg Ativan daily for a month. Thought I was ok to just quit but I was too sensitive I guess and should have tapered and I did not understand the rebound anxiety because it came days later...

This went very bad, extreme anxiety and my docs fucking everything up ended me in the psych ward and filled me up with 5mgs Ativan + they gave me seroquel 50mg xr and I tried paxil which made me even more insane so I dropped it till 5mg which I am currently still taking.

Now till short I was down to 1.1 Ativan after a 7 month BRUTAL taper, there were good moments but more then a few moments were I almost lost it again and went back to the psych ward. The whole year was nothing but long term SERIOUS stress and pain. Benzo withdrawal is true horror it is very long and there is no help. It is better to be addicted to heroin. Maybe 2-3 weeks and your done. Benzo's can take years to heal from but and I will not wish it on my worst enemy. Something like dp/dr

Sunday the 14th of October I was finally a bit relaxed and here comes my stupidest mistake which I am still not recovered from and almost cost me my life. I vaped weed, I used to smoke a lot in my younger years and even a little here and there in benzowithdrawal but that sunday it went very bad because I was not in the rind mindstate, I actually felt it very clearly in my gut before I smoked that I should NOT do it but I chose to ignore it, I had a vicious panic attack when I took a hot shower while high, the worst of my life, and I have been hospitalised twice for anxiety and I have had BAD panic attacks before but this one was the worst of the worst I thought I went schizophrenic or psychotic. It was really horrible, seeing images flashing, racing intrusive thoughts (no voices) but just complete terror. I really thought this is it. I knew I was not gonna die but my brain was fried. I was instantly suicidal and I was lucky I had no gun in the house or a quick way to end it because I would not be typing this. The days after I knew I was not crazy or psychtic but I did have the feeling something snapped. The whole year of anxiety+this traumatic event really changed me and I became different. My mind went kind of blank and I now have dp/dr and insane anxiety and constant suicidal thoughts.

I had to take rescue doses here and there to keep my sanity of both ativan and seroquel.

Today I had to take 2.4 ativan yesterday it was 1.5 Ativan

I am back at 50 seroquel xr daily

But my med dosing is irratic for a couple of days and I have been so precise all year tapering by weight. Even bought a 700 euro scale to be VERY precise.

I was almost coming to the end of the taper but now tapering is not even on my priority list anymore because I fcked it all up. I need to live and try to not make this DP/DR worse. The problem is I cannot survive on 1.1 Ativan because the constant DP/DR anxiety and blank mind, suicidal thoughts need to calm down.

Today when I took 2.4 Ativan I somewhat calmed down the dp/dr kind of went away a bit, less blank mind, racing thoughts and thinking about S, I forced myself for a run outside and actually felt like myself 80%.. So when my anxiety is down the dp/dr goes down.

But these pills are the devil, it is not sustainable and I don't know what to do. I can go up to 2.4 daily so I can rest so I can heal the dp/dr a bit but this whole year I have been fighting tooth and nail to get of this poison.

Another problem is a side effect of benzo wd is dp/dr so now the taper really scares me to death..

I just don't know what to do anymore, Benzo wd is HELL but you know it WILL end but it can take some a long time to recover once they are off. Some heal quick but some dont feel right till 16-22 months off. + here comes the dp/dr another level of HELL which is at least as bad or even worse because you have 0 control. At least in bwd you are making progress. A little weed and I just got sucked into hell....

I dont know, this story is getting waaay too long but I just don't know what to do anymore. I sure as hell can't taper atm. I don't really want to updose and blow months of hard work but I need to keep my sanity. I have a psych who will prescribe me anything I want but my whole goal was to get off all this poison. My cns is hyper sensitive atm. Any advice is really appreciated I can keep taking the benzo's but it feels like a ticking time bomb...

Kind regards
 

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Hello friend and welcome. I am in the same boat - but much longer and with different drugs. I'm day 55+ off a 7 year narco and oxy habit. Horrible PAWS is what you are dealing with and although there are things to help opiate withdrawal - there is nothing to help benzo or alcohol withdrawal (both of which can kill you)

I'd suggest 1 thing: riding out your addiction into recovery. Most people in recovery say they "don't feel like themselves aka years of drug use and abuse)

If anything else - try to stop taking the Ativan or tapering down to .5 a day and making a jump.

I recommend atarax or a non addictive anxiety med.

After some time, you can decide if it truly is dpdr or just your mind healing from addiction.... many addicts have bouts of dpdr while in recovery

Best wishes + love

Mm
 
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