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I suffer from not being myself, not knowing what to say, hyper awareness to the max, weird feelings in my head, feeling lost

since ive been working, I want to say ive been getting better, i just take it like this, every day im at work, im getting exposed and my mind is sensing that the world isnt here to harm me or whatever

im still not completely fixed, way from it, but i do think im getting a bit better

I think the stuff I don't concentrate on faded away or is fading away

the stuff i harsh on, still is here, maybe im a tad bit better, but not anywhere close were i wanna be

praying in 2-3 months ill be happy and life wont be so hard

i have goals

on halloween i wanna be able to go tricker treating with my girlfriends little brothers, we use to have a great time and they looked up to me, they still kinda do but its just not the same since this crap

so on halloween my goal is to be better, and to be able to have a good time\

im praying to God im cured by thanksgiving, ive had this for a year and havent exposed it to my outer family, like my uncles, aunts, and counsins and stuff, i dont want them to see me at my all time low, its hard, cus they look at me like a good kid, i dont want them to see me mentally messed up

so im aiming for thanksgiving to be my day when im cured

i also have learned, jacking off can really mess things up, ill go like 2-3 days without it, im young and all, like busting 8 nuts a day is in me, like im a horny motherfucker cus fuck

but anyways, if i dont bust anything in like 2-3days i feel happier, thoughts r a bit clearer, i conversate better, i wanna do things more, talk better, talk even more

stuff like that

but this is just an update

i think work is good, if u can handle it

i took 6 months off cus i was spazzing out and literally gonna fuck my coworker up, kinda dumb, even tho we were budding heads, most of the shit was in my head

anyways i do think some medicine calmed me down, brought me back to reality, but i had some weird side effects and i got off of it in a month, i did feel more relaxed when i was off of it, it did work, brought my anxiety level down a bit

but now im just trying to do it the natural way

just power thru and hopefully get better

like i said, its slow gains, but week to maybe 2 weeks, i feel a tad bit stronger then i was

i was a mess when i first worked, maybe im use to being there now, but im less hyper awareness, i talk a bit more, i try to be funny, life is better working, instead of dreading

anyways yeah, just felt like getting that out

cant wait to update u guys in a couple months or less

hopefully we all get better by then

just gotta keep grinding

good luck all
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