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my thoughts, do they look like DP or DR?

1309 Views 7 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Sojourner
I hope that yet another effort to describe my thoughts is tolerable. If not, well, I am out of luck. I think that the following text is the best description for today.

Saying it in a phrase: Things are taking place, but I am cut off from the whole procedure

My thoughts are weird. Not the issues, but the process itself.

Like there is something wrong but I cannot become more specific. It's like my thoughts have no base. I will define base: a completely stable place, a center of acceptances that every other thought begins from. Something that cannot be shaked in no way. A place where you can step on and start to move on other things.

My consideration/regard about the world, myself, and all the things I percieve are like absent, or have very small impact on my mind in order to charactirize them "realistic" (I have a reason for not using the word "real").

The meanings, the objects. the people, are not familiar, or the familiarity is changing face/type and I cannot catch up.

I am usually in a kind of sleep, where there is something like an assurance ("I assure you") about incidents and their impact. Here is an attempt to make an image of my feeling: I am standing on a soft pillow but the pillow is hovering above the void :) nothingness).

On some other moments, the incidents feel like awfully strange, and somtimes this is escorted by a changing of the colours' contrast of my vision. Examples of incidents: a raindrop, an explosion, or me calling a friend with his name.

I am in doubt of every single description I make about my condition. I usually absorb any abnormalities that I notice and keep myself in this "sleep" I mentioned above. There are times I am saying "this", but other times that I am saying "that" (instability between descriptions, but there are boundaries on the variety of descriptions). All this time, I am thinking that descriptions were not correct.

If I could, I would start every phrase of this description with "I think that...". But it would be "too much".

I have no way to confirm my thoughts. The weight of my things is varying.

Sometimes (like now) I don't actually believe that I am living. I have this thought (or rather "feeling") that I have been in my bed for the last few years, and all the things I see, hear, and do (like writing this text right now) is a delusion.

When I notice an incident and turn my focus on it, it's essense is changing in a strange way: like it never existed. Examples of such incidents: I understand a meaning, something that I recently learned (knowledge of something, like biology), someone tells me some news, someone agrees with me.

I am forgeting my past descriptions of my symptoms or I remember them but it feels like there weren't mine descriptions.

By the time I got writing till this point, I had forgoten what I had written so far.

Feels like I am touching only the surface of things.

The reasons that I do things, always involves a level of fogginess.

Sometimes I have no motive to do things that are necessary, like eat, answer the phone, etc.

I am 70% confused. This means that there are things that I can keep doing, and apparently, what is preventing me to do things is the lack of "pleasure" that I recieve from the world.

When I read my text again it was feeling very distant from the things that I wrote.

I can predict that if anyone sais "I can relate to this" I will instantly stop believing that I have that "symptom".
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Sojourner said:
When an organ of the body does not function properly, one generally goes to professionals who have studied the health and disease of body organs for advice.
Yes, I will, again, and again, and again. Till I find a doctor that I will see results from. I am just running a bit low in trust to doctors right now. I always had little trust in psyche doctors, but it has reduced some more. I know I don't have a choice, what else can I do? I will first go through some free-lance (on my own, I mean) on the websites you gave me in the other thread/topic. Thanks.

bright23 said:
Are these states of mind you're experiencing causing you distress?

I'm asking because I'm not detecting any obvious fear or concern in your descriptions of your mental states.
Right now? Don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Yes. It's not fear right now, it's disappointment and tirement.

brign23 said:
Why do you say "I can predict that if anyone says 'I can relate to this' I will instantly stop believing that I have that 'symptom.'"?

Are you trying to say you believe that no one else could possibly experience the states of mind you're experiencing?
No, of cource not.

Most of the times, when I notice a symptom (that I have in common with another person), something comes to my head, and I am in serious doubt if I really have that symptom. It's strange isn't it? In a previous post, I said it like this:

I have found IDENTICAL symptoms of mine in this forum, but... the moment that I find a symptom which looks like (or is identical to) mine, at the very same moment, I am having doubts if I have it. It's kind of weird.

Sojourner said:
What you describe obviously concerns you and doesn't seem like your normal "home."
Yes. But does it look like DP/DR? I mean, that's what I tried to discover with that post: if anyone shares these same thoughts.

Sojourner said:
You probably do not like how you feel. If I am wrong, please tell me. If you liked it, though, why are you here?
Yes, it is unpleasant, otherwise I wouldn't be here. It's just that I am having a hard time describe it.
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More than a month has passed since this post. And I see now that I have covered the issue from the logical side only. Very recently (today), I have replied to another topic about how can someone give a description to DP/DR. After finish writing, I realised that I had given the list of the things that happened to be, in a chronological order (as I remember them, I could remember wrong though).

I could modify a bit the text, but I wanted to have the original one as I posted in that other topic:

--- self quoting begin ---

- I don't exist
- You don't exist ("you" is the person that I speak with)
- The world doesn't exist
- I am not actually speaking right now
- I have no control over my movement (arms, legs, head, speaking, etc)
- Someone is controling my movement (arms, legs, head, speaking, etc)
- There is an invisible glass (or fog) that seperates me from the world
- I am in another place, in another world, and I control my body from there
- I never actually existed (you start to think of this, usually after a few months, or years)
- Time has become relative, 5 years have passed since yesterday
- Why is it so dark? Why is it so bright? What did you do to the lights? (the subject might have issues with vision: I am seeing the contrast changing for instance)
- I am actually in another place and this whole thing (the world, you) is a dream I am seeing
- I have invented/created the world (I don't have this, much..)
- My mind is blank
- I am blank
- The void has filled everything that has ever existed, and not existed
- There is nothing
- [...] (the subject just does nothing, sais nothing)
- I am fine (the subject got tired, now, all that matters is to stop trying to explain and just sit in a corner)
- It's an illusion (the subject starts to doubt if he/she feels all these)
- I am a fool (the subject tries to convince him/herself that there is nothing wrong, or that this is actually an involvement of a "faulty personality full of flaws")
- Why do I keep complaining since there is nothing wrong with me? (the subject denies: the only way out when noone is understanding you, or you don't stand describing anymore)
- I have no motive to do anything
- Why do I keep living since there is nothing to live for?
- Why do I have no motive?
- What is that I wanted to say?
- What is that I wanted to think? (the subject cannot even describe DP/DR at this level)
- Err.... (every motive to find something that would help is now gone, some people say that this the point that you start to heal because when there is nothing more when you have accepted it, you can as well start to think other things and focus outward)

--- self quoting end ---

(I could have used the board's quotation feafure, but the font would get smaller.)

And of cource due to this:

Brainsilence02 said:
I can predict that if anyone sais "I can relate to this" I will instantly stop believing that I have that "symptom".
It is possible that I could be disassociating when someone sais "hey! I have this too". I don't know why; yet...
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