Yeah, I know I shouldn't vent, as I needn't pay anything for my current therapy - but I'll do it though, as it seems the therapy is as useless to me as it is free. I also realize the point of the thread "please stay positive", but I'll type this post anyway, as I haven't been posting any negative stuff here for ages. Some reasons for my frustration toward the new therapist of mine:
1. She hardly has no clue about DP/DR and keeps asking me how I feel regarding the phenomenon in the beginning of every session. Huh, I have had DR 24/7 for fifteen years, so how could my DR possibly change after a couple of therapy sessions? It is always there, and it seems I can gain no help from her regarding this disorder. And... Last time she started chatting about her grandchildren with me and she told about them for a long time during the session. How's that supposed to help with my issues? Also, when I changed the topic and asked her how she sees e.g. psychotic states of mind, she told me:
2. She sees psychosis as a biological disorder only and disagrees with me that the stuff one experiences during psychosis can be psychologically meaningful. (BTW, biological? I bet it should be said biochemical...) I have learned to treasure the stuff I experienced during my PTSD psychosis, as I see there are rational reasons behind the delusions I experienced. For example when I felt I had a telepathic connection with one dude from the future, the imaginary connection showed me that it is possible to me to have intense feelings for someone else. I hardly feel any intense feelings while I am in my typical DR "trance" state of mind, but now I know it is possible. Indeed one of the most important things I learned from my psychotic break is the fact I am able to feel emotions like everybody else, and that was a very good thing to realize. Let alone the other psychotic ideation I experienced - it strikes me that it was so mythical, made of the same stuff that is found in world mythology/fairy tales - i.e. the Jungian concept of collective unconscious is a very good one to describe the origin of myths in human mind. I wish I had a Jungian therapist with whom I could digest my past expecience of psychosis in detail, as I'm pretty sure I'd learn a lot of myself in that way... But nope, my current therapist sees psychotic ideation totally meaningless mind-litter, yay for that.
3. Hah, my therapist has said that psychosis is a breakdown of personality. But why did I feel even more intact with my self during psychosis, if she was right? Yes, I was practically lost in mythic imagination at that time, but my sense of self wasn't broken in any way during the onset of my psychosis. And... My therapist has also said that there is a theory, which states that an orgasm is regarded as a small psychosis, cuz it includes the disappearance of self too. Wow. I have to disagree with her regarding the way she sees psychosis in general - she simply has no clue. But it is no wonder, as some people learn about psychosis by reading books and theories only, and never have the "chance" to experience the phenomenon first-hand. So I shouldn't be surprised at all, though I know there also are those psychiatrists, who see the psychotic experience from a wider perspective. But my therapist definitely has no clue and I'm disappointed, as I can't talk about this issue with her.
4. Considering the stuff above, I hardly can tell her about my experience of alters (I'm pretty sure my correct diagnosis might be DDNOS). My teenage alter Linda had been hiding inside for a long time now, but finally I was able to gain a contact with her again, since I joined in a DID mailing list and received some very good advice regarding hiding alters from the other people there. Now I would like to make the contact with Linda more constant, as she is the one in me who has the most passion toward life/natural sciences/hobbies. But OK, I hardly can trust my therapist would understand anything about dissociative disorders, regarding her opinion toward psychosis. I'm pretty sure if I told her about the existence of Linda in me, she'd think I am going to be psychotic again. Blaah.
OK, I'll have this one year "therapy" and will talk chit-chat with her just to please her. Or if I was brave enough, I could tell her that this therapy is leading me nowhere and by quitting it I'd give room for someone else to have therapy with her. I just should find the right words to say this to her, as I do not want to hurt my current therapist's feelings. At least she has agreed with me that there are those people with Jungian/transpersonal/whatever background, who regard e.g. psychosis in the same way I see it. But it doesn't help me, because she sees the stuff differently.
Or maybe I still should give the chance for my therapist, as of coz it may be possible that the sessions might change into something meaningful after some time. Dunno... But if it seems all I can talk with her is just crap, I'll quit my therapy very soon. Indeed doing so I really will give my place for someone else, who might even benefit from the sessions with her? And that would be so much better than this situation - me feeling just frustrated after the therapy sessions. Let's see...
1. She hardly has no clue about DP/DR and keeps asking me how I feel regarding the phenomenon in the beginning of every session. Huh, I have had DR 24/7 for fifteen years, so how could my DR possibly change after a couple of therapy sessions? It is always there, and it seems I can gain no help from her regarding this disorder. And... Last time she started chatting about her grandchildren with me and she told about them for a long time during the session. How's that supposed to help with my issues? Also, when I changed the topic and asked her how she sees e.g. psychotic states of mind, she told me:
2. She sees psychosis as a biological disorder only and disagrees with me that the stuff one experiences during psychosis can be psychologically meaningful. (BTW, biological? I bet it should be said biochemical...) I have learned to treasure the stuff I experienced during my PTSD psychosis, as I see there are rational reasons behind the delusions I experienced. For example when I felt I had a telepathic connection with one dude from the future, the imaginary connection showed me that it is possible to me to have intense feelings for someone else. I hardly feel any intense feelings while I am in my typical DR "trance" state of mind, but now I know it is possible. Indeed one of the most important things I learned from my psychotic break is the fact I am able to feel emotions like everybody else, and that was a very good thing to realize. Let alone the other psychotic ideation I experienced - it strikes me that it was so mythical, made of the same stuff that is found in world mythology/fairy tales - i.e. the Jungian concept of collective unconscious is a very good one to describe the origin of myths in human mind. I wish I had a Jungian therapist with whom I could digest my past expecience of psychosis in detail, as I'm pretty sure I'd learn a lot of myself in that way... But nope, my current therapist sees psychotic ideation totally meaningless mind-litter, yay for that.
3. Hah, my therapist has said that psychosis is a breakdown of personality. But why did I feel even more intact with my self during psychosis, if she was right? Yes, I was practically lost in mythic imagination at that time, but my sense of self wasn't broken in any way during the onset of my psychosis. And... My therapist has also said that there is a theory, which states that an orgasm is regarded as a small psychosis, cuz it includes the disappearance of self too. Wow. I have to disagree with her regarding the way she sees psychosis in general - she simply has no clue. But it is no wonder, as some people learn about psychosis by reading books and theories only, and never have the "chance" to experience the phenomenon first-hand. So I shouldn't be surprised at all, though I know there also are those psychiatrists, who see the psychotic experience from a wider perspective. But my therapist definitely has no clue and I'm disappointed, as I can't talk about this issue with her.
4. Considering the stuff above, I hardly can tell her about my experience of alters (I'm pretty sure my correct diagnosis might be DDNOS). My teenage alter Linda had been hiding inside for a long time now, but finally I was able to gain a contact with her again, since I joined in a DID mailing list and received some very good advice regarding hiding alters from the other people there. Now I would like to make the contact with Linda more constant, as she is the one in me who has the most passion toward life/natural sciences/hobbies. But OK, I hardly can trust my therapist would understand anything about dissociative disorders, regarding her opinion toward psychosis. I'm pretty sure if I told her about the existence of Linda in me, she'd think I am going to be psychotic again. Blaah.
OK, I'll have this one year "therapy" and will talk chit-chat with her just to please her. Or if I was brave enough, I could tell her that this therapy is leading me nowhere and by quitting it I'd give room for someone else to have therapy with her. I just should find the right words to say this to her, as I do not want to hurt my current therapist's feelings. At least she has agreed with me that there are those people with Jungian/transpersonal/whatever background, who regard e.g. psychosis in the same way I see it. But it doesn't help me, because she sees the stuff differently.
Or maybe I still should give the chance for my therapist, as of coz it may be possible that the sessions might change into something meaningful after some time. Dunno... But if it seems all I can talk with her is just crap, I'll quit my therapy very soon. Indeed doing so I really will give my place for someone else, who might even benefit from the sessions with her? And that would be so much better than this situation - me feeling just frustrated after the therapy sessions. Let's see...
But I'll give her a chance, let's see...
