My stupid story 🤷‍♂️

This is a short version of “my story”, no one needs to read this but since I posted a post on accident I thought I’d take myself down a trip of memory lane and try to sum up my life with DP.

When I first started smoking weed at age 14, it was such a good ordeal. What used to be anxiety towards everything turned into happiness when I got high. A couple years later I smoked up and had a thought which bothered me. During that time I had such a serious panic attack and I remember laying down in bed rything about thinking “what kind of serious shit did I get into?” After this major breakdown, i now had pure o OCD and depersonalization. I didn’t realize those terms existed at the time, but through this stage of my life there was always an underlying intrusive idea. Eventually there was no more overall theme which seemed to ruin my life, but now my brain seems to analyze every thought that comes in fear of it turning into something bad. This is my current disorder.

Some time after I had developed dp I started coming up with certain theories and ideas about why I was who I was. Even in early childhood, there was a discontent with my personality. I hardly felt like I was anybody ever, and I figured that the reason I hated myself was because of a certain quality of being weak willed. I never really thought for myself or did anything because of what I had personally thought. So from then on I promised myself I wouldn’t be that way, which integrated into my “new” self image. It felt like I broke through a wall that I previously didn’t know was there

Depersonalization kind of cycled into “big thinking” about reality and the universe, which turned into episodes of psychosis. I remember thinking such crazy shit as I reflected about who I was spiritually. “God must hate me, I’ve been an egotistic bad person who cares about nothing, I’m a bad seed etc”. There was truth in some of the things I saw in myself but projecting it to be about God and stuff, idk. I learned about a theory called the CTMU, which seemed to confirm my own theories I had come up with about god being reality. I figured I “came up with it on my own” before I found that someone else already came up with. I felt insane, and I thought I knew that me and certain people I loved were seen as spiritual trash to God.

After all these small “awakenings” I’ve had over the years, my thoughts have become very boring. Or should I say, I’m bored with my own thoughts. I’ve spent way more time reflecting on life than living it, which is such a waste. Nowadays my depersonalization is more like derealization, as I struggle with the feeling of all this being fake. Everything seems like it’s just statistics, but that’s so false. I also feel so caught in my mind, even as I write this it feels like I’m just making this shit up. I don’t actually feel like I’m telling a story about myself, it actually feels like I’m just fabricating one. Perhaps this is the biggest representation of what it feels like to be me. My life has slipped away from me, I spent most my time online and staying the fuck away from everyone else. I’m sick and tired of writing, so this shitty post will have to do. Peace