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Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts.

I've shown minimalist signs of DP/DR in the past when I was 11-13. I couldn't look myself in the mirror, constantly thinking that I was looking at a different person who wasn't me. I have struggled with a lot of paranoia throughout my life, due to my childhood and how I've been raised. I've also been homicidal for as long as I can remember.

But my DP/DR officially kicked off sometime in September. I think it started to slowly escalate when a friend left me. I went into a very deep depression, I can't recall a moment where I didn't stop crying. Luckily, we mended our friendship, but that isn't what this post is about.

DP/DR is hard to explain. I never thought I would ever be able to feel emptier, but feeling yourself slip into an emotionless state while everything in your heart is aching is truly something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I feel like an out of focus camera. Everything is blurry, reality, memories, touch, emotions, but it feels so close. Like if I wanted it, I could just adjust the lens and be fixed, once again have a clear resolution.

I'm not diagnosed, and with my current living situation I don't see myself getting therapy anytime soon. I know what I'm going through is DP/DR because nothing else describes what I'm going through so accurately. I don't feel real, my life doesn't feel real, it's like some weird Truman Show scenario. I try to refrain from believing it, but it's hard sometimes.

If I slip too far from reality, I know that I will end up killing someone. The DP/DR keeps getting worse and worse. The moment I hit complete emotionlessness, or if my reality slips completely, I'm going to kill myself so I don't kill anyone, even though technically that would count as killing someone.

I guess I'm just going to start posting here so I can reflect on these posts in the future, in case I lose my sense of self and slip completely, so I don't forget what I may have to do.

This doesn't apply to everyone with DP/DR who may also have homicidal thoughts. I'm not you, and you are not me. You may also have homicidal thoughts, but that doesn't mean you're going to kill someone if your DP/DR gets to a really bad point. I just know that I will because I know me and how I'd act, I can almost instinctively feel it. Just please remember that we're not the same. And if you feel the exact same way as I do when it comes to the combination of homicidal thoughts plus DP/DR, then I am truly sorry, and you're likely in the same pickle as I am. I hope no one else is experiencing this specific predicament.

The disclaimer above was just for in case anybody projects my experiences with DP/DR onto themselves. Know that we are separate people, just because I might kill someone, doesn't mean you might kill someone. Please acknowledge that.

To end this off, I'm going to add my DP/DR scale for today, which would be a 8/10. I hope you all have a lovely night/morning, I'm going to try and sleep. Stay strong y'all.
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