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My Story

1114 Views 3 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  mana_war
Sorry, I wasn't sure where to post this, but want to do it in the subforum that got the most views. Even though it's technically a recovery store, I want it to be more myself offering help to the community at large. To anyone.

Oh man. I honestly never thought I'd be back here. I have a story, a long one, and I want to share it with people here. I'll probably be hanging around to see if I can help anybody else too.

Ok. Here goes.

11 years ago I was a freshman in college, and it was the best time of time. Fast forward to the start of second semester, so January or February of 2008, I tried ecstasy a few times. Only three, and spaced out weeks apart. This led to me experiencing random, but very bad, bouts of anxiety, and by March or April, short blights of what I would later come to recognize as DP/DR.
Before people talk about how drug induced DP/DR is often easier to get over, or at least that was the general consensus a decade ago here I think, my anxiety started with drug use. My DP/DR crept in months afterwards, for what it's worth.
By the time summer break came around, I was in DP/DR all day, every day, and didn't know what it was. I thought I was going crazy. I legitimately contemplated suicide, and did so many times after learning about it.
I don't have to explain it to any of you, I know that much, but it was truly the worst thing I had ever experienced.
Again, let me reiterate, I was full blown. I was depersoanlized 24/7, with no breaks. After finding this forum, I started learning about the condition. I started eating right, I started going out with friends again.
By this time it was the start of my sophomore year of college. I truly think having things I was forced to do ended up saving me. It wasn't easy. Nothing was. Talking with anyone while wondering if I seemed weird to them, if they knew I was like my old self. Every conversation was torture I remember.
But I kept going, and things slowly started getting better. I started getting glimpses of feeling again, I started to enjoy doing things sometimes. Finally, by late Winter of that year, I was 90-95 percent better. I was still incredibly wary, still self-checking nonstop. But I was happy. Really happy. Going through that, gave me literally so much self-awareness and insight; it made me who I am, and it made me for the first time in my life actually like and respect the person I was.
I can say now that I am 100 percent better. In every. single. way. There are moments when I get extremely anxious and I don't even go back there. For years after I would have very short pockets of DP/DR if something really shitty or stressful happened, but I learned how to cope, and they would go away too.
I don't know totally what I want to get from posting this. I know I want to help ANYONE who wants it. I know I have some wisdom about this terrible thing too.
Here my tips, in short.
The only way to make it go away is to learn not to focus on it. Sounds impossible and cruelly ironic, but that's my experience. This website is a great resource, and for people just learning about the condition, soak in everyone's knowledge and recovery tips.
But then don't come back. I remember spending all day on this site the first week or so I knew what the problem actually was. But it got me nowhere. I actually have an old account on here with a ton of posts that I don't remember the name of or password to.
Also, you have to stick to the routines and activities you had when you were well. It sucks at first. It's really hard and can be extremely uncomfortable, but if you stay with it you'll come back. I know I did.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I truly wish you all the best. From the bottom of my heart. Please reach out to me. I would appreciate it. I'll tell you everything I know and be completely honest.
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No, not really. I mean before I knew what DP/DR was I just felt like I was going crazy. I never confused it with any of the drugs I used beforehand, which didn’t even include psychedelics. Is that what you were asking?
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