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Hello everyone,

I read many of the stories here and I can relate to much of it, it help me to explain whats going on. I realized I'm not alone. It's blessing we living in the era of internet where we can share our experiences and advices.

I was always shy a little bit as a kid but kinda hyperactive. Was afraid of my strict father, I was always sensitive as a kid. Everything was frightened me, but I was also full of life and world was a mistery to me, just like ordinary introverted kid who was always deepthinker.

When I was in high school (here in south Europe in Croatia) I have my first dissociation issue. I fall my first grade and that cause huge amount of stress and shame in me. I was kinda lost and I felt like I'm in some kind of half dream. It was struggle to go to school and listen to teachers when I felt so lost and dissociated.

At that time I didn't know what was going on with me, just my perception of reality was changed, I was in myself felt separated from outside world and I was aware of that.

I moved in another town and dissociation slowly fade away but was replace by social anxiety and tension. Through my all high school era I was sometimes mocked and that caused my avoidance behavior and state of always in tension. I lived in very conservative family and I never through that time visit some consulting person. I was also felt depression because I had no girlfriend or many friends.

After I finished my high school I couldnt be very socially successful and find a job. When I find a job, I felt depressed and with no motivation to work so I easily gived a quit.

I have also have trouble to establish healthy relationship with girls due to my social anxiety and tension, I had low confidence. Years passed one by one. Having some great time and having my dreams and goals. I always dreamed for living my life somewhere far away from place where everything reminds me on trauma.

When I worked in the summer at the hotel resort I smoked a little bit of marijuana, I was afraid of smoking but smoked just a little bit and have my panic attack - heart was beated, I felt like I would faint. Later was everything fine. Tommorow was everything fine, no sense of DP/DR.

My life was sucked. I waas always introverted and socially awkward. In my private time I was reading books, novels and philosophy. I had existential thoughts and always wondered what is point of life, I was depressed most of time, but had will to explore nad enjoy life.

In year 2015, after the summer I applied to work on cruise ship away from my home. I was frightened and excited at the same time. I was in stress of anticipation and have panic attack in my house. I searched for help. Doctor presribed me antidepressants and benzos. I have major issue to be in public places but somehow I controlled that. I was pissed because panic reduced my quality of life. I was ready for fight. I didnt want to give up for working on cruise ship because of fear.

When I was on cruise ship I was frightened, but somehow controlled it by constantly working and moving. It was interesting, exciting but always in a state of fear and anxiety. After two months I couldnt go any long. I started to dissociate from my self and I felt like I was in a dream. I gave a quit and disembarked my self in North America, 5000 miles away from home. I could barely function. I somehow arrived a home one day late. I felt huge relief I wasnt anymore in that floating prison in the middle of sea. But in that time depersonalization started to kick on daily basis. One day was better one day worse. I was tried to go outside but always panicked and had urge to leave.

My antidepressants (mitrazapin) help me a little bit but not resolving my issues.

My symptoms lasts to this day, after more than a year.

Here's a list:

- having feel like I'm in a lucid dream, like I observing world through glass or filter

- dont feeling sense of myself (sometimes like I'm dont exist)

- obssessive thoughts, feel like I'm going crazy or lose my mind

- very high social phobia

- always in past, watching movies scenes of my life

- intrusive thoughts

- like I'm using hands insted of doing it naturally

- shaky movements and uncertain walk

- having trouble to sleep without medications ( benzos)

- cant watch horror or psychological movies I used to

- have no motivations to anything do

- existential thoughts about universe and point of existence, vastness of universe freaking me out

- feeling of hyperawareness, especially processes in my body like heartbeat

- look like I'm stranger when I look myself in a mirror

- hypohondriac thoughts, everything I read I applied to myself (this is what almost most disturbing me out)

- obssessive reasearch on internet about depersonalization and trauma, I was some time away from this forum and everything, only watching movies and TV SHows, It kinda helped me a little bit distract myself

I have my time when it wasn't that bad (some moments), but mostly is hellish experience, it's stealing my life. I barely can function sometimes and always having panic that I will finally ceased to exists.

Now I only taking small dose of benzos to fall asleep because I dont want to be addicted, but effect is less and less. I tried many vitamins and supplements but nothing helped in a long term.
 
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