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Hi, I just found this website and made my account and want to introduce myself.

I have been struggling with something that I now am pretty sure is DP ever since I can remember, but it was definitely triggered when I was 14/15 and got extremely sick ( I have a blood disease and had gall stones, my gall bladder and spleen removed but I also had DRESS syndrome which is an auto immune disorder that took months to diagnose and several periods of septic shock, my hair fell out, I developed intense jaundice and my skin peeled off) overall it was really traumatizing. What's weird is that I don't feel directly affected by that experience and almost don't even remember it, as if I subconsciously suppress memories.

Even before that as a child I used to play games where I would pretend my body was taken over by an alien on a mission from another planet to "fix my life" and I would be in school and pretend I didn't know who anybody was and had to learn all of their names who they were etc.

As I got older it became much harder to relate to people and I developed a lot of anxiety, I had panic attacks where everything became blurry and I would pace randomly around the house and my memory of that panic attack is in birds-eye view in my mind as if I was watching myself the entire time, and I also got really scared when looking into the mirror.

I am however really good at pretending to be normal and even feeling normal, I have a lot of friends but often feel that my friendships are very artificial.

A few months ago I took oxycontin which I had in my house since I was sick, I did it very impulsively just to know what it feels like and spent the day walking around the monuments and feeling light, euphoric, etc. That night I drank a lot and blacked out, the next day I smoked pot and the following morning I woke up and decided to leave everything behind and run away to New York. I took my clothes and books and computer but left my phone and didn't tell anybody where I was going, and then I took another oxy and drove to New York. Once I got there I spoke to a man who worked in a coffee shop to try to get a job, sleep out of my car, start a new life, but eventually facetimed my mom from my computer and came back home.

Two weeks later I got arrested for hopping the fence of the national's stadium and spent six hours in jail which was REALLY weird because one of the walls of the jail cell was a mirror and I had to stare at myself for the entire time, I was completely sober.

I also took LSD a few weeks ago which I actually enjoyed a lot, it didn't trigger anything DP related, it was just an extremely exaggerated version of what I like about pot, which is that it gives me a different internal dialogue than usual. However recently weed has been making me more anxious, I have to remind myself not to get into my head, to maintain eye contact, etc.

What I have noticed works for me is writing: I wrote an entire book about my life which is a compilation of things I wrote as a child mixed with things I still am writing. I am also obsessed with science, specifically cosmology, creation.

I want to know if you guys think that DP is necessarily a disadvantage, or if it can just be something that allows us to think differently, and something that we can embrace if we know how to handle the bad parts. I understand that it can cause troubles in relationships and would like to hear stories if you guys have experiences with that. I did have a boyfriend but I never was really myself with him and was constantly trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be and ended up caring way more than he did.

I also want to say that music has helped me a lot, generally things that sound happy / cheerful. I haven't meditated exactly but sometimes just enjoy sitting by myself in silence and detaching, that also helps but can also make me feel more crazy.
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