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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Guys,

My name is Alan and i have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for many years now, 9 to be exact but it wasnt untill 2002/03 that i sarted to experience very bad DP and DR. I couldnt leave the house, i was a zombie, i didnt know wot was wrong with me bcoz i had no computer and had no idea wot was happening. I thought i was going mad, insane, i was not eating and basically my life was hell. I was always an outgoing, bubbly and a funny personality prior to my fall from normality. My world had stopped and i was trapped, i didnt even know who i was, i looked in the mirror and saw nothing but an empty, lifeless sol that was dying inside. I had a fiance and mum and dad who was devasted to see me like this but not as devastated as i was, i was gone big time, i use to sit on my sofa staring into space bcoz nothing was real to me and i had no interest in anything at all. I went to see all sorts of doctors psyciatrist, psycologist and was perscribed anti deppressents by the truck load but bcoz i am not one for stuffing chemicals my body i was reluctant to take any.

Time felt like it had stopped, and i went from a confident, funny, life and sol of the party kind of guy to a person who couldnt even brush their teeth in the morning without panicking so much i nearly died there on the spot.
I was not getting any better by just curling up and hiding away from the world so enough was enough, it was time to start fighting wotever was trying to over take me, i couldnt let it and i wouldnt let it for the sake of my family and my fiance.
I forced myself to join a gym, i forced myself to get up and be noticed in this world, i would write in a journal every night to describe my feelings and to try and get them out my system. I was scared sh*tless but i had to do it, i wanted to do it even though i didnt know wot was wrong, i was determined to get better. i started to play football again, im football mad, even though i had gone right off it i forced myself to get out there and be counted.
Slowly i felt an improvement, i would force myself to do things even though i felt gone in the head in the hope that i would snap out of it. i couldnt believe it but my feelings were coming back, i could feel the love i once felt, the humour was coming back and i was getting interested in things again.
I would still go away on holidays with the family even though it was tough but it was something i had to do if i wanted to achieve the goal i had set, i was on the mend with no meds or therapy just mind over matter and being strong. It was emensly tiring mentally and i would still feel all the feelings i had before but i could push them to the back of my mind & let my determination over power them.
I still was having trouble loooking at myself in the mirror and reconising the "old Alan" but i wasnt letting it get to me like it did before, i would never sit there & analyze things like a did, i would keep busy and keep my mind occupied.
I was enjoying life again and all the things i had missed out on, my world seemed bright after a nightmere 1 & a half years but i achieved my goal, normality and confidence. i longed for this feeling of self pride, self believe that i could do it and i did.
I moved house with my fiance and my parents and was playing good football and going to watch my team (Crystal palace) play every week, i was loving it, just being alive and being able to think clearly without these disturbing thoughts, it was heaven.

Anyway in 2004 things never worked out with the new house so we had to move back to our previous address minus my fiance bcoz of work matters, it was easier for her to live at her dads to get to work bcoz of the short distances of a 5 mins walk, i was heartbroken to be honest, she was my rock, my breath of fresh air, somebody i had relied on to pick me up when i would feel a decrease in my mood. but i was coping, i had to otherwise my nightmere could come back again, i was sad but didnt let my mood become too depressed incase of a slip up in my recovery to gaining full normality, i would still experience panic attacks and anxiety but i could deal with wot it had to throw at me. we got through the rest of the year by her staying over at weekends and seeing each other at every opportunity, we had a good christmas and still enjoyed our time even though we had separted in the living department.

2005 was gonna be a better year, it was supposed to be a better year after the 2 years of hell it could of only of got better, i was still going and playin football and even enjoying work again, i was happy but then something wasnt right again, i went for a meal with family on my birthday 23rd january but felt like death all over again, i managed to get through it and i felt better the next day and that was that, but i could feel anxiety and panic attacks were becoming more frequent but i would just try and deal with them as best as i could, febuary came and i became ill with sharp pains in my kidneys, i went to A&E and had some tests but i noticed a slight decline in my mental state, i was puzzled and lost all other again, i was freightend and was thinkng my nightmeres had come back, i was so desperate not to "go back" but i could feel the DP&DR coming back, i would cry at the thought of feeling like a zombie again, i was mentally tired, i couldnt go through all that hard work again, it was tragic, i couldnt take it again, nor could my family or fiance but it was back, them desturbing thoughts of not knowing your own mum and dad, not reconising the girl you asked to marry you, i feel detatched from the world again, i look at pics of close family and do not reconise or atleast think i do not reconise them.
This week has felt like a life sentece, it has dragged on bcoz i have been so caught up in my mind i have not been able to feel life any more, the DR feels even stronger but it probably isnt, its tough to take but i gotta take it, i know i have come through this before without any meds or therapy and i know i can come through this again. But i forget how scary this really is and how hard it is get up and go, how hard is it when you cant feel life anymore, having to remind yourself that you are here and that you are alive. Being able to deal with everyday things i would of took in my stride with ease 6 months ago. Its freightning to say the least but i have defeated this before and i can defeat this again, i am in control even though i dont feel like it, i can win and it can be beat but this time its gonna be for good.

I am even more determined to beat it this time bcoz i know how wonderful life is without this mind crippling experience.

Dont stop believing, and dont give up. Everytime you get a funny or disturbing thought say to yourself, its only a sensation, i can and will control you, i wont be beat, i cant be beat.

Sorry for the longness of this story

GoodLuck in your recovery, its gonna be tough and tiring mentally but you can do it.

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