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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
All my life I have felt different, that somehow I see the world in a different way to other people. I dont like to sound like I believe I am 'above' anyone but since a child I have been able to see things that others seem blind to. I think it all started when I was a child, I had a great fear of my parents splitting up and a fear of death and the death of people close to me. I remember going through a period when I was around 10 of just going and sitting in my room felling incredibly depressed.

I have always experienced sounds becoming overbearing and booming in my head, like I can be sat and every sound even the sound of my own thoughts becoming more prominent and significant. As a child I developed what I now know as OCD, I would have routines that I would have to go through before I could carry on with normal life for example-counting all the hooks on a curtain rail before I could go to bed. At school I battled with certain phobias mainly such as a massive unnatural fear of embarrassment, I used to avoid situations like the plague to prevent any embarrassment. Also I have always planned my thoughts, it sounds strange but if I was going to meet a friend sometimes I would plan what I was going to say before I got there.

I went to boarding school at 16 and I can say for two years there I was happy and any DP seemed to subside. After that I went to university in london and had the year of my life. I have always been interested in philosophy and am a musician (thats what i studied in london) so have a natural tendency to search the unexplained. I began to experiment with drugs cannabis at first then MDMA, psylocybin and LSD. The experiences blew my mind and opened up my mind to the fact that reality can be changed by changing the chemicals in your brain. Reality is a collection of your senses and by changing your senses you are changing the world. Unfortunately our group of friends developed a real dependency with cannabis.

After a year of VERY height usage my mind was at breaking point. My parents split up and I went into a deep depression, I got very paranoid about the state of my health in particular my lungs. I started to believe that maybe I had lung disease, I couldn't breath properly and was having regular panic and DP attacks. I had to stop smoking cannabis and this hit me hard, I was throw back into the normal world with no escape. I left uni and went home. For the next 4 month is hardly left my room and drank my self stupid everyday. I was on prozac at this time which just seemed to alienate me from reality. Many times in the shower in the morning I would actually find it hard to define waking life from the dreams that I had the night before.

Well, after a time I got a job met great new friends and life was on the up again. I am not going to make any illusions I do love cannabis and think If used properly can be a great ally in life, so feeling well again I started smoking again and eventually started experimenting with drugs. I had a mixed bunch of experiences at this time some amazing some of pure horror. Well, I left my job and receded back into myself and started drinking again. After a week of being totally alone because my family had gone away on holiday I had the worst attack of my life. I have a studio at home where I produce all my music and I looked down at the mixing desk and everything looked so alien. This just hit me in the face and I began to panic. The attack lasted for three hours of pure hell until a doctor came out and sedated me with diazepam.

That was about three months ago and ever since then I have not been myself and have felt lost. The way I feel is like I drift off and begin to slip into the place between reality and dream. I cannot stand light because it seems to overload my senses, I have changed the wattage of the bulbs in my room to make it dimmer. I dont know if it is common but all my life when i look up at the sky the clouds seem to warp and change. I have been to my doctor many times and a counsellor and everytime have tried to explain the feelings of DP but they just give you more crap about anxiety and depression. The thing is that I see depression and anxiety as symptoms of DP. I haven't been diagnosed with DP but the similarity with other people experiences is alarming. I regularly feel tired and dizzy my vision seems to get blurred and a bit pixel like.

This has been a revelation to me and when I go to my next counselling session am going to talk in dept about what I have found.

The way I look at life is that existence is the only thing we have, we have to exist no matter what. Just think how ridiculous not existing is, I have a fear of death as does everyone but many just choose to ignore it and waste there lifes. the way I now look at death is this-You have to ask yourself this question-Have you been dead before? Yes, because before you were born you were dead, and that is the place we will go back to. I think that you have to think of DP as a gift and to use it creatively as I intend to do in music. I find it hard to keep that philosophy some days as you can feel desperate and empty. I hope I can find peace and look for a treatment for this but just knowing what it is after 21 years helps

I would love to hear from anyone to understand how they cope and what they have done to make their life's better. If you managed to read all that thanks.

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