I am totally new here. Also i am writing for the first time so excuse any mistakes.Please read till the end.I really need help.
I am fighting with anxiety since my childhood. At that time i didn't exactly know what my feelings are, why i am feeling them..nothing.
During my high school year i was really stressed out...i was lonely, had no friends, had trust issues,i didn't know if i have any importance in this world.To sum up ....i wasn't happy. My family didn't know about this because i was very shy kid and i was only closer to my mother.
In the same year i got my very first panic attack...aah that was THE WORST...i rushed towards one thing to other to distract my mind but i know that was not normal so i had to seek help.I rushed towards my mother and fainted...she supported me ...i rest my head on her shoulder...when my father see me ....he instantly get that i am not mentally okay.(my mother had depression). He gave me some medicine and try to calm me down. The medicine helped me but not fully.I had to fight with my feelings for about half hour to 1 hour.Noting was removing that feeling in my mind which i couldn't explain at that moment.I wanted to escape or just sleep to get away with everything.
I forget to tell that i tried to kill myself with knife.... but i was shaking so badly and was fainting..i ended up with 2,3 minor cuts on my wrist.
After that horrible night,the fear got stuck in my head and now panic attacks are part of my life. Some days are normal, some are worst.
Its been 6 years i am on medicines, which are increasing after every visit to my doctor.
Today i was reading a project of a student about anxiety where for the FIRST time i read the word "Derealization (feeling of unreality)/ depersonalization " .......yes for the first time.....And all my feelings are described through this word...i am in tears now.
This was exactly what i have been feeling throughout these years and couldn't describe it in words.
I remember talking to a consultant online, he asked me what i feel. I said , i feel as if i am not in this word, why this world exits and what will happen after that.And he replied very rudely or may be only i felt that.
Today after searching about this, i found this forum.
I really need your help guys....i want to cry out loud to the world that how horrible it is to be unreal,to think that mind and body are two different things,to not being able to know who you are?
I don't know how to end this but if anybody of you have any helpful things to share, please share with me. I am sick of taking medicine. I am sick of being dependent on different things.
Note: I am a very sensitive person. My parents used to fight a lot at that time so all that also effected me. I have social anxiety and depression.