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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, so I'm writing due to currently being sober and was in therapy, but my living situation has made things come to a stop for a short while.

So? Depersonalisation.

First off a bit of background;

I'm 23,

Home life has never been stable, father is a paranoid schizophrenic, grandmother is a manipulator and extreme control freak, mother has always struggled, and I was always a witness to this, mum and dad split at the age of 2 I think.

I've had some trauma in my life, I've had 4 major surgeries, I was bullied but I've not really admitted it, hung around with the wrong crowd, was sensitive but I pulled on the brave face and would always just say I'm "fine" or "cool".

So, I had smoked weed and drank quite a bit growing up, started around 13-14, I live in Scotland so this is common, I never really found my place with people, I always felt different or I would usually be called weird, I paid a lot of attention to things, I just saw the world in many ways, but I was relatively shy and kinda got embarrassed a lot when I was really young.

The surgeries I had were in primary school (elementary school for anyone from the US).

They were pretty intense due to the condition I had and some of the complications that came along with it were really un pleasant and I isolated myself a lot.

Felt as if I was all seats treated different in school and ignored by teachers and just really looked down upon and felt "different", it's quite hard to remember school but there's snippets and it will all come back eventually when I'm healed.

So yeah was always distracted by this condition I had and it really made things hard for me, on the plus side I was really good a call of duty and navigating my way around a pc.

I started doing what any kid would at around 10-11, stealing beers out the garage and like drinking a sip of it and pretending to like it when In fact it was nasty, but that's just what kids do.

Then came the confidence, drinking more at the weekends and smoking cigarettes but never an insane amount, I always kinda followed what everyone else was doing and just kinda put my shit to the side, I was never big but I always acted like it, that lead me to hanging out with the older guys and trying be like one of them and it never worked, I just got treated like shit and just accepted it, and never really done anything about it, because I felt protected with these guys, sort of like a gang.

Computer games were essentially my narrative when I was younger, I would play games like Grand Theft Auto and Bully, Bully In particular due to me being in high school at the time, and I would loosen up my uniform to look like Jimmy Hopkins one, always been Into computer games, due to having an uncle that was in his 20's when I was a kid, I spent a lot more time with him than I did my dad to be honest, my uncle basically sculpted my creativity due to 18+ rated films, 18+ rated Games and just cool shit in general.

Drugs were always there but never really highlighted or bring into the limelight when I was a kid, I was always told if you do drugs you'll end up like your dad, part of me was like no way I'll never end up like him but I severely looked up to him when I was very young and always wanted to spend time with him, I was aware that something wasn't quite right due to my dad and uncle still living at home, more my dad due to him being dad of course.

I was always told dad was un well but never really told what was actually wrong with him, so I kinda just went with it hoping something would change maybe?

This is really hard for me because my memory is basically non existent at the moment.

Anyway, I'll just move on, I was always a day dreamer in class, always staring out the window, drawing or imagining things, a really fucking strong imagination.

I had my first disassociation when I smoked weed, but I never even even knew what the hell it was, I just imagined something and thought happening.

I continued to smoke weed throughout high school, smoking weed was fun man, I'm not going to lie I enjoyed it, but then I started getting more curious about drugs, I started taking a drug which is like a plant fertiliser called "M-Kat" it's pretty shit but if you take enough you'll be wired.

I had never tried coke or ecstasy up until this point, I took half a pill of ecstasy when I was 14 and it was good, it felt nice not too strong but just nice, then I tried another half of a pill and that one hit me like a ton of bricks but it was really chilled at the same time.

Then I got cocky, I would help this guy in school just kinda like help him sell bits of weed (I was still smoking at this point) Ages 14-15, and in return he said I'm getting some pills let's have a good night. So carefree teenager that had already tried ecstasy tries it again, and this time i was showing off, I took too much, trying to be a big guy, handling shit I couldn't fucking handle.

Oh and by the way I was watching porn and and still playing computer games quite heavily at this age, and eating junk.

Anyway, I take a pill. Full one this time, and I'm with people I didn't really hang about with but I still knew them, but not as well as I knew the people I grew up with, so I end up coming up on that pill, and I was tripping a little bit, I saw the 15th prestige badge from call of duty black ops, morphed into the clouds, which was ironic thinking about it, considering this is the night that triggered all this shit.

I'm peaking and I start taking more, fuck knows how much I took, but we were snorting them, smoking weed and just partying.

I start feeling really spaced out when the morning hits, and I look in the mirror and just don't look right, lights were hazy and blurry etc, I fall asleep in my dads car on the way home and I wake up and it's dark, I'm still half asleep at this point so I sleep again, and when I wake up in the morning something isn't right, felt like I was swallowing stones, I thought this would pass so I went to smoke weed and I start feeling worse, so I go and tell my mum what I've done, I start freaking out but it wasn't until what was to come.

I go to school, and well hadn't learned my lesson, took a hit of a joint and this time was when shit hit the fan, I more or less limped to my classroom and the door was locked (my bag was in there) at this point I'm thinking I'm having a fucking heart attack, and the teacher is not for letting me get my bag, I eventually get it, I sort of rush out the school and frantically call my mum thinking I'm having a heart attack, as to she replies it will pass it's just anxiety, I'm not fucking buying it I was hearing dogs bark and everything was fucking loud, lawnmowers going off, thought it was people talking, I thought I was dying.

I phone my grandad, and he takes me to the the hospital, at this point it's shutdown time I really thought I was fucked, so I'm all hooked up to heart monitors scared for my life, for a doctor to come in and say there's nothing wrong with you, I wasn't buying this shit either.

So here came months of hell, straight up fear, anxiety to the max, along with the visual symptoms, I never knew what the fuck was going on. Eventually that had calmed down. To just this steady burn of hmmm is this it? Is this it away? I did research what the hell was going on with me all sorts of things came up about ecstasy overdosing, some stupid thing called "Tombstone Land" which just scared me even more, and then boom the big bad boy "Depersonalisation" and I was like ok I'm done researching and ignoring this.

So I just get on with things, and this feeling is just there, and I thought if I'd ignore it for long enough it would go away, I eventually forgot about it and went back to drinking and at this point my "friends" were getting into drugs, and I thought well this is life now, and just went back to doing the same stuff, I basically owned the panic attacks and just thought this is me now, so I had the odd panic attack and just pushed it away, fast forward until last winter, I decided to stop drinking due to panic attacks and trying meds, and I went through hell again, and this time it's recovery time. I know this time that I'll recover.

So what's been happening?

Panic attacks died down through therapy, was smoking ciggs at this point, diet wasn't flawless, just came off drink and drugs for the first time in years, and I realised I still had DP, so I was working on myself, therapy, exercise, eating more etc, just getting better, driven, I'm still at home, and my mum was being supportive of me.

So the good part, I experienced a re P moment, so much has happened, I'm a beginner at healing at the moment, but yeah it's emotion that needs to be released, it felt like my brain opened up and released this darkness.

Now, I got super excited and and told my mum, it was like she never even cared etc.

So an incident happened that surged my levels back up and the ocd bumped back up and I felt hopeless. But I'm just gonna keep going.

I'm tired now so I'll maybe update this at a later point.

8 Posts
So the good part, I experienced a re P moment, so much has happened, I'm a beginner at healing at the moment, but yeah it's emotion that needs to be released, it felt like my brain opened up and released this darkness.

Thanks for telling us your background. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through, especially being bullied and not fitting in, along with long term anxiety and OCD and obviously DP. You say you experienced a re P moment, does that mean there was a moment you no longer felt depersonalized? If so, that's great news and a good sign you are on the way to beating the DP.
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