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Hi all,

I read a lot on this forum the last month, so I feel at a position to share some of my experiences by now.

I dissociated a bit more than five years ago. I was sitting on a couch and from one moment to the other my whole life changed. I was flushed with anxiety and went from feeling good straigh to mental hospital. I did not even know what anxiety was before. Never learnt to spoke about emotions. I tried different therapies, medications and spiritual approaches. Nothing change. Every day was unbearable.

October last year I heard about PTSD and trauma-therapy. I started this and felt the first time. This is it. I got better and was confident to get out of this. However, in April some really heavy things happened, so by the end of April I got a huge panic attack and ended up completly depersonalised. Black mind, no memory, completly numb body and emotions, sounds made pain in my brain and I felt my soul just wanted to escape to the universe. I completly lost connection to myself.

I started with a new trauma-therapist in June, who works with NARM (Neuro-Affective-Relationship Modelling) and SE (Somatic Experiencing) for 20 years and learnt from Peter Levine. She works together with a hompath, who is also specialised on PTSD. At the beginning I saw her 5-times per week and did not even remember being there. We did only regulation exercises and did not speak about anything. Nothing was there and I could hardly speak, as my brain always fried again. The homepath gave me hydrogenium a molecul for connection. Since August I feel that I improve from week to week and I met a friend on Saturday who said he never saw me like this for five years.

I believe that DP is based on an attachement trauma and we dissociated as the pressure of our surpressed emotions became too high. Actually, most of us left ourselves already in early ages as we find ways to get attention from our parents. We are dependent, so if they are not there we die. We become very ambitious, build up a smiley shell and find ways to get attention from our parents. We build something on top which we view as our reality, but in fact is not true connection to ourselves. When we reach DP, all our coping mechanism break as we get flushed with supressed emotions from childhood.

So the way to heal and find our true self again is be integrating the lost parts of ourselves. For some people it happens over time, but for some it just does not work. For me it did not, as I was not able to hold and integrate the lost pieces of my personaltiy by myself. I studied the Polyvagal-theory and I believe we are primarily a body, so this is where healings starts, especially if the mind is compelty shut down. So my therapist co-regulated me, so I was able to feel a bit more safe. In my case I needed another person to help me to hold me. Slowly, emotions came back and my brain started to give me more space. I fell back to compelty DP many times and even now I still get moments of complete DP. Therapy continues and it is really tough to face it. But each time now we oberserve different situations in my life and uncover my real self behind the cloud of anxiety. This gives me orientation and anxiety becomes more concret for me which results in more connection. We find embodied behaviours of myself and therapy is pretty active. I could write so much more, as I learn so much about myself and it is only the beginning. It is like pealing an onion and each time I connect more again. But I can only oberserve the lost pieces of myself in a place of safety, as this is the state of healing. If I observe them by myself I do it through my reality and I get overwhelmed by the emotions and shut down again. So it is still really challenging, but by now I am quite certain that I will recover which I never believed would be possible. Without orientation and understanding of myself, I would constantly re-lives my traumas and this is an endless loop.

I do exercice, mindfullness, clean nutrition and distraction, but I can 100% sure that I would not have been so far without therapy. We lost connection as we did not feel safe in the environment with people. But now it is safe and the terror of our childhood is over. Our body just does not feel this and is stuck in this. So once we start to experience safe connections with people and make new experiences in a safe place, our body slowly realises that it is safe now.

I still have a long way to go, but already have moments where I feel that life is actually beautiful and much more beautiful than I ever felt it in my life. It can be calm and pleasant and is acually be really peaceful. This keeps me going. If I have moments of no anxious thoughts, I sometimes often feel lost, as this is a new experience. So I start to find out what I really like, rather than what others like me to do.

I wish everyone of you the best!
 

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I am in therapy as well, I have been going for the past 6 weeks once a week. Till now It hasn't helped one bit except that it's nice to talk to somebody about dp/dr etc. But as soon as I leave there I forget everything. And it's like I have never been there. I am nothing just a body.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I also felt at the beginning, as never been there. Talking about our story or symptoms, does not heal anything. At the beginning it is about building up a containment within the body to hold the emotions, so that we do not dissociate. If there is not enough containment in the body, then the energy goes to the head and creates symptoms such as brain fog. With more connection, you can go deeper into the emotions without experiencing these symptoms.

I did many kind of therapies, but only the trauma-therapy helps me to slowly build up connection again to better cope without dissociating again.

Today I met my mum and I got strong symptoms, as i projected my unresolved matieral on her. It overwhelmed me again, but 30 minutes after she left I am at an okay level again. This is good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Just a small update from myself. On Wednesday after therapy something shifted in me. The world suddenly looks 3d again after about 5,5 years. My brain is really tired and something is still off, as if my brain is lacking behind. My therapist said that certain brain-areas came back online. She says that this is a transition phase and will take some time.

I can picture things in my head again and slowly more memories come back. Not quite back yet, but definately much more. It is quite amaizing, as my therapist said she saw all this coming, but in my dream-state I did not feel much of what actually happens.
 
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