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Discussion Starter · #1 ·

I'm a 23 year old male from Sweden.
This got waaay longer than I thought it would. Anyway this is my story so far.

Since September 2016 I have been struggling with this (about 17 months). I guess if you're here you have dp/dr already and if you related with something let me know.

I used to be very up and happy. Basically had everything that I felt I needed. When I finished school at 18 years old I took a very stressful job. Totally hated every minute of it for 1,5 years. At the end of this period I got a weird and uneasy feeling, with dizziness and unclear thinking. Got it and it vanished after a few hours every time. I thought it was that I ate too little food so I didn't think much of it, invincible 19 year old you know.

At this time I went through a breakup of a 4 year relationship. This was very hard for me since my identity included more than only me at the time. I quit from my job cause I just couldn't do it anymore. Got another, really great job after 3 months. This was may 2016. Life got better fast and I enjoyed it.

I started feeling the same weird undescribable feeling again in short bursts. This time it was almost like gravity vanished for 1-2 seconds besides the other things. Though at the time I again thought that this is food related. This happened maby 2 times per day and it wasn't a problem for me. Not yet.

Middle September, it hit me like a train. I was at work, when all of a sudden I felt a change in my head. And it felt so, so weird. Looked at things at my job and I knew what I was supposed to think when I looked at them but no, nothing. It was like every input my eyes gave me was a postcard and I knew it was writing on the back but I just didn't see it.

Ofcourse this triggers a panic attack. I got up from my chair and this was what really got me. When I walked it was unreal. Imagine that you are drunk and walking fast, how it seems that you are much faster than you actually are. I was totally blown away by the feeling. Everything was just different and people did not seem real, and when they spoke it felt scripted or staged. Scared to death I drove home. I was so consumed by the feeling that I did not remember anything almost.

Brain tumor, stroke and all kinds of shit flooded my mind. I was 100% sure that I had a serious disease. This threw me into a place where I don't ever want anyone to be. Every day was another inferno of dreamlike anxiety. I went to get tests for all kinds of shit. Nothing was wrong with me but I knew it was something. They must have missed it. Tests and tests, still nothing. This made it worse somehow.

The things I have thought about is totally terrible. This made me understand and kind of see the good things about ending it. Which is completely terrifying. And it never ever lets go. 24/7 this was eating away at me, spiralling down to absolute rock bottom.

Everything I loved, my cars and people I love as an example ment something in my head but in reality they weren't there even if I touched them. I was totally cut off from myself and my body. Identity loss and autopilot. It didn't feel mental, it felt physical. I started to avoid looking in the mirror cause I wasn't sure if I was the mirror image. Even my eyes felt like they just did not work properly. Very light sensitive with after images. Patterns makes it crazy.
About one year this is the only thing I feel, and sadness.

Took mirtazapine for depression but they made the dr far worse after 3 weeks so I quit them.

Time went on and I just started thinking about everything and super much. Like I was consumed by thoughts about existence and tons of interesting stuff. Probably spent 4-6 hours per day just daydreaming. I think now that this was very good for me as a person. A positive in the darkness.

Then it happened! One of my closest friends girlfriend apparently had something I never heard of even tho I Googled tons. Dissociative things. Boom I find dpdr. Everything made sense all of a sudden. I saw something that was not cancer and I was not alone. This was sometime September-October 17.

I have since then gotten, happier. Even if I still float around I can enjoy meeting friends again. The fear of death is not so present, but still there. Death from a disease that is. Also the fear that Im going mad isn't so bad now. I have not gotten diagnosed, dont know if I need to now either. One of the reasons why I post here is actually just to get someone to relate.

One thing that made me able to describe the feeling is when I realized that the thought did not come up as usual when I look at things. So things seem different or foreign, even unreal. Just thought I'd add that if someone out there is trying to get it.

Have a good one!

Drummer, Sound Engineer, Music
979 Posts

I am replying because no one did... i'll give you my 2 cents :)

Okay read the whole thing...

You got temporary DP from what I understand, probably from anxiety/stress... panic attack, got worse.. typical, very normal story. Now you live in a depressed and anxious state? don't worry, we are all with you, stories vary but your story is typical... so don't stress.

All i can say I know is you can pick one of these: (all options I will go deeper into depending)

1. Bring anxiety down to the point you wouldn't even say you have it anymore, it might just fade

2. Therapy + number 1

3. Medication + number 1, with maybe some number 2

That's the way i view it. Also, Mirtazapine is the best medication i've ever tried... 3 weeks was horrible, took me 3 months to feel the improvement and tolerate it, so unfortunately, if you think anti depressants have anything but side effects in the first 6 weeks, you are far off. 6-8 weeks they say and my doctor begged me at around 8 weeks to hold strong, i was sweating, had many side effects and was soooo much more DP'd, when i got to 3 months it was all worth it. Not saying this is YOUR meds, but at 3 weeks, NO WAY do you know (unless like Lamotrigine reaction i had where i was lying in bed unable to move, sick... again this doesn't mean that you will react like this, but it was an allergic reaction)...

My first advice is get that Mirtazapine and hold out for at least two and a half months, i've tried 14 medications, 3 headache tablets, so 17 medications, the ones that worked best usually mess with DP, the old saying 'worse before better', the way i see it, is it's targeting the area that is causing the DP, so that is making it worse before it has a chance, that may be wrong or right but as doctors say 6-8 weeks... you were not even half way to knowing
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