Hello everyone, my name is Bobby and i have had depersonalization for 5 months.
I am 24 years old. I have always had a lack in confidence and anxiety during the years. And since I went to university i am looking nonstop to better myself.In the uni i couldn't bond with my collegues and be as social as they are. I couldn't express oppinion, because i was afraid not to say smth stupid and what would they think about me. I still had fun but with friends i could trust. During the years what I have tried is - St. John's wort's herb. I was making a tea of it and it was helping for a while. But still i was not the person i wanted to be. I can say here that my childhood was spent with a business man father, who always was not satisfied with me, and was somekind of abusive one. Also i have lived for a while with my grandmother, who is his mother and is a bit crazy. I have always had to appologise for something because she was always mad on me for some reason. While i was in highschool my parents divorced and we had to move out of town. Since 16 i am living with my mother and sister. I think that was for the best.
So at uni i wasn't happy at all. I first thought to be depressed. That's when i start taking St. John's wort's. As i said it was helping for a while. I graduated, took my diploma and start working. My first position was in a place where i felt constant anxiety and like i am not thinking clearly, inadequate. I felt miserable, but nevertheless i made great bonds with my colleques. They are still caling me to see how i am. That happened 2 years ago. I started reading what should i do to make myself feel better. And then i read about fish oil. And start consuming it. It was a miracle. I started feeling better, thinking better and be what i wanted to be. I bought this highly concentrated one and my mind just start working on its full potential. For the summer i was working on the seasight. Made a girlfriend and for a while i was feeling happy. My fishoil capsules finished so i bought a new one, molecule destilated. I think i made a mistake back then. It's effects was not as good as i wanted. It looks like they gave my mild anxiety. But i continued to take them. I was abroad with my girlfriend, and things looked like not going very well with us. I was feeling anxious and depressed. Eventually we broke up. I started thinking what have i done wrong, and with that i was again feelin totally anxious. I continue drinking this fishoil capsules when one day i had this feeling i have passed out for the part of a second. Like my mind has rebooted. And a huge wave of anxiety hit me. That is when derealisation began. It happened to me for 2 or 3 times, i mean the rebooting thing. I stopped taking any kind of fishoil. I started psychoteraphy , analytic one which only made things worst.
I went to work in the mountains in a hotel. There was no work at all so i had alot of time to think. Also the place was new, i didn't have anyfriends to go around with. I had then a panic attack one night. I was drinking a beer and i could not swallow the sip. I panicked. The next day i was reading on the net what could have cosed that. A huge mistake. I read about MS (multiple sclerosis). I freaked up. Start feeling the symptoms, could not breath proparly. I was going nuts, even whent to ER one night. The i again started psychoteraphy with another phisician. Not helping alot.
After the winter season i went back home. I had an excursion with my mom and sister. The first day on the new place, i felt the most horrific derealisation i have ever had. It was like i am floating in a dream. But i knew that it will pass so i was calm about it. Since then - 5 days ago i have improven. I am not feeling anymore derealised. The key thought was that people around me are seeing me perfectly real, and everything around them is real. Why not for me to be real either. So i think now i am in reality.
But there is something different this time. During the day, at sometime in the afternoon, i feel like my memories, and things that have happened me in the past are not mine. It is like i have not lived them. It is super distresfull but i hope it is just part of the dp. It is trying me to bring me down again. What do you think about it ? Am i going on the right path to recovery ?
I am 24 years old. I have always had a lack in confidence and anxiety during the years. And since I went to university i am looking nonstop to better myself.In the uni i couldn't bond with my collegues and be as social as they are. I couldn't express oppinion, because i was afraid not to say smth stupid and what would they think about me. I still had fun but with friends i could trust. During the years what I have tried is - St. John's wort's herb. I was making a tea of it and it was helping for a while. But still i was not the person i wanted to be. I can say here that my childhood was spent with a business man father, who always was not satisfied with me, and was somekind of abusive one. Also i have lived for a while with my grandmother, who is his mother and is a bit crazy. I have always had to appologise for something because she was always mad on me for some reason. While i was in highschool my parents divorced and we had to move out of town. Since 16 i am living with my mother and sister. I think that was for the best.
So at uni i wasn't happy at all. I first thought to be depressed. That's when i start taking St. John's wort's. As i said it was helping for a while. I graduated, took my diploma and start working. My first position was in a place where i felt constant anxiety and like i am not thinking clearly, inadequate. I felt miserable, but nevertheless i made great bonds with my colleques. They are still caling me to see how i am. That happened 2 years ago. I started reading what should i do to make myself feel better. And then i read about fish oil. And start consuming it. It was a miracle. I started feeling better, thinking better and be what i wanted to be. I bought this highly concentrated one and my mind just start working on its full potential. For the summer i was working on the seasight. Made a girlfriend and for a while i was feeling happy. My fishoil capsules finished so i bought a new one, molecule destilated. I think i made a mistake back then. It's effects was not as good as i wanted. It looks like they gave my mild anxiety. But i continued to take them. I was abroad with my girlfriend, and things looked like not going very well with us. I was feeling anxious and depressed. Eventually we broke up. I started thinking what have i done wrong, and with that i was again feelin totally anxious. I continue drinking this fishoil capsules when one day i had this feeling i have passed out for the part of a second. Like my mind has rebooted. And a huge wave of anxiety hit me. That is when derealisation began. It happened to me for 2 or 3 times, i mean the rebooting thing. I stopped taking any kind of fishoil. I started psychoteraphy , analytic one which only made things worst.
I went to work in the mountains in a hotel. There was no work at all so i had alot of time to think. Also the place was new, i didn't have anyfriends to go around with. I had then a panic attack one night. I was drinking a beer and i could not swallow the sip. I panicked. The next day i was reading on the net what could have cosed that. A huge mistake. I read about MS (multiple sclerosis). I freaked up. Start feeling the symptoms, could not breath proparly. I was going nuts, even whent to ER one night. The i again started psychoteraphy with another phisician. Not helping alot.
After the winter season i went back home. I had an excursion with my mom and sister. The first day on the new place, i felt the most horrific derealisation i have ever had. It was like i am floating in a dream. But i knew that it will pass so i was calm about it. Since then - 5 days ago i have improven. I am not feeling anymore derealised. The key thought was that people around me are seeing me perfectly real, and everything around them is real. Why not for me to be real either. So i think now i am in reality.
But there is something different this time. During the day, at sometime in the afternoon, i feel like my memories, and things that have happened me in the past are not mine. It is like i have not lived them. It is super distresfull but i hope it is just part of the dp. It is trying me to bring me down again. What do you think about it ? Am i going on the right path to recovery ?
