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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, I just found this forum and would like to share my story with you.

I am a 32yr old mother of two beautiful boys. I first developed Depersonalisation when i was 28yrs old. I am not sure which came first the depression or the DP. For about a year, I had been struggling to find my way out of this invisible fog that surrounded me. The world seemed so distant and i felt that i wasn?t part of it. I would go through each day as though in a dream and I found it impossible to get out of.
I was fanatic about fitness at the time and would often cycle everywhere, I used to love the feeling of the wind blowing in my face?.Id always loved horses since I was little and it was a dream of mine to own a horse?sadly not all dreams come true but for me my bike was the next best thing to galloping bareback through the fields. But even this small joy of feeling the wind hit my face was taken from me?The air seemed stale and my face numb.
I knew something was wrong with me but instead of sharing it I stayed in silence for a year?.everyday thinking I was dying of cancer?..How do you tell loved ones of something that you cannot see?I looked healthy, I appeared well?no doctors tests would reveal anything?so I just existed until I could no longer bare the pain.

Soon I stopped eating and drinking ?I had been robbed my sense of taste and smell, my weight dropped from 10stone to 7stone 4lbs. My concentration was terrible and my hands developed a tremor?.One night after turning grey in colour my partner rushed me to casualty and I was put on a drip ??I was badly dehydrated and after a week in hospital was sent home with fortisip drinks as I was still having problems eating. My DP had vanished in hospital but after setting foot outside the hospital it reared its ugly face again. I felt defeated, I was physically worn out, I was screaming inside for it to go away. No-one knew how i was feeling because no-one could see my thoughts and i just couldn?t explain to them that I felt invisible, far-away, lonely, isolated and lost.
When I got home I forced myself to eat and eventually things started to improve. But I was due to go on holiday to Spain in a week and couldn?t bare the thought of being away from home feeling so unwell but i felt I couldn?t disappoint my partner and my son. Diazepam helped me get onto the plane but the moment i arrived at our destination i felt an overwhelming fear of claustrophobia and immense fear and panic...I wanted to be at home where I felt safe.

These feelings did subside apart from an incident in the canteen when i panicked and was then panicking about taking a pill for panicking?..lol. My partner ended up taking a pill first to reassure me that i was safe to take one. I managed to make it through the holiday without the thoughts of death and suicide, they were replaced with milder thoughts of paranoia?like imagining everyone was talking about me and saying how bad a mother I was.

When the time came to fly home.....my evil voices had returned, chanting and tormenting me with their hurtful, hateful comments.
The black cloud descended on me, followed my every move?.I could not escape it., it hung over me, clouding my brain, distorting my eyesight.
Id be silent, i couldn?t think to speak, friends and family thought I was being ignorant, rude, I had such angry in me yet it never stirred. I was numb, inwardly crying like a baby..., paralysed by the fear of going insane. These voices wouldn?t let me sleep, I spent nights on end awake, alone, pacing the house sometimes driving off in the night, driving no-where, just driving and driving trying to escape from the fear.

I started to dread the mornings, when sleep hit me I didn?t want to waken and start the dreaded day again. The moment my eyes opened the tears were there and they did not go until sleep came once more.

Im not sure how I managed to get through the days?I was restless, fearful of everything. Once I was up I couldn?t sit a peace yet i didn?t know what to do or were to go. I was scared to stay in bed, i was scared to get out of bed. I cried for my mother, for my years of physical abuse by my father, I cried for the child that needed to feel loved.
I avoided the mirrors in the house because I couldn?t find myself in them?.I would stare for hours and see myself outside of my body looking at this strange girl who was not me, it frightened me, I felt like a ghost trapped in the world. I avoided the shower, the bath anything that evolved thinking time. I didn?t want to think anymore, I didn?t want to hear the taunting voices screaming in my mind. The water scared me, having a bath was a fearful as if someone would murder me?.I would talk aloud to myself, the louder the better, to drown those voices that picked on me and made me cry.

Soon I developed a fixation with my eyes. I figured if I wasn?t seeing myself in the mirror then perhaps my eyesight was making me crazy?. I booked an appointment with the optician and cried in front of her when she said my eyes were perfect?.in the end I wanted to poke them out of my head?and for a week I persisted with these thoughts until eventually they left me.

Weeks passed and i could no longed watch TV, or read books . I was in survival mode and i knew that i was struggling to stay alive the voices grew louder and stronger, the images more frightening and evil. I couldn?t cope with anything the real world had to throw at me. The world was cruel, hurtful and so were people ....I started to avoid them, I withdrew into my dark, frightening, cruel little world.

I wanted to sleep for ever and ever. Death soon became my only comfort.....I wanted to die if i had to wake up and live another moment, another day, another second in this world where i was, this place where i was, this hell, for it wasn?t a place that everyone else was living in , they couldn?t reach me and i couldn?t reach them.

I was convinced the devil was after me, i was such a wicked, evil, girl to have something like this happen to me. God was punishing me and the devil was out to get me. I remember crouching on the bathroom floor crying because the devil was watching me, waiting for me .......how real that felt.

Eventually, i couldn?t cope anymore, id had enough, my strength and will to live had gone. I had it all planned out days before, for when the time came that id had enough. I would drive the car to Kirby?s lane, cellotape the white pipe from the dryer onto the exhaust and in through the window and turn on the engine and have my long peaceful rest.

I told my doctor and my partner that I was in danger of harming myself?.but I did not tell them I had one day ?if he did not commit me to Holywell then tomorrow I would be dead.

I was lucky in that he had the foresight to see that this was not the best place for my recovery. I was prescribed Clormapromizne which to this day i will say it saved my life. I took it for a week until the Cipramil took effect..

After 4yrs on Cipramil i changed to Effexor xl. Which i am still on though i did manage a brief period of 6months drug-free. Unfortunately stress brought on the symptoms again so i had to resort to effexor once more.

Anyway that is my story and although i am well i still have days when my DP returns and i fall into a state of silent suffering and fear...for how can you tell your loved ones about something that they cant see.
 

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Hi Corrine

All I can say in response to your post is WOW. That was an accurate account of how dreadful this DP can be. It can literally bring us to our knees at times. It feels at times like mental torture. All of us I'm sure can relate to your experience in some way. I hope that you feel you can come here whenever and talk about whatever. There is much knowledge on this site about the disorder. I'm glad you didn't take your life. That would have been needless and tragic. I'm glad to hear that you pulled out of that. Glad to have you here. Hang in there.
Ken
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi Ken ,
Just wanted to say thanks for your kind words. I will certainly be dropping in now and again. Its comforting to know that there are others out they who know what we are going through . Many thanks for the reply. God bless xxxx
 

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That post really hit the nail on the head, really made me remember (yeah thanks for that!! :twisted: )how I too was brought to my knees, and whilst on holiday too (horrible being away from home with this thing).

I'm really happy that you are on the road to recovery - it also gives us all that much needed knowledge that no matter how bad it can get, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks g-funk,

Sorry for reminding you about the lows........fingers crossed, the only way is up. :wink:
 

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Don't worry, it was nice to be reminded of how bad things can be in a way, as it made me realise how much better I feel and not to take life for granted!
 
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