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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first post here, I wanted to share my experience to see if it is as unique as it seems to me.

I have various memories of when I was 2 to 3 years and older. I have memories of running in a park or field, with the vague feeling that was trying to run away.

In one particular memory, I am resisting my parents (or who I assume are my parents) trying to put some clothes on me. But at that moment, my struggle was more than just about clothes. It was about me fighting for my life, for my freedom, like they were trying to confine or crush me. They were reaching down to try to hold me, and I was fighting them off.

In my mind, I was thinking that that's okay, I'll fight them off as long as I need to. But then a realization hit me- they would never stop fighting me, and I sort of realized I had no chance since I couldn't endure this forever. This would be it for the rest of my life or existence.
At that moment, I suddenly felt myself fall forward out of my body, as if I was vacating my self or my physical body. I then sort of fell forward, or fell to the ground. It was as if I gave up, and by exiting myself relieved myself of the pressure my parents were putting on me.

Instead of being inside my 'self', or 'body', or centered behind my eyes, it was as if I fell through my eye sockets outside myself. But I still maintained the physical sensations of my body. I momentarily lost control due to the shock of the experience, but I don't think I actually lost physical control of my body. I lost, gave up, but no longer felt like the world was trying to eliminate me.

There are a lot of other psychological/emotional aspects to this and my overall life, but for now will skip them. It seems pretty obvious that if this thing really happened to me, it was sort of a emergency response like jumping out of a plane in a parachute. I always wish that I would have been a little older and then known better (that it was only temporary happening, no one was trying to kill me or end me, etc.) But I don't think it would have been possible at the time- I am sure that I was no more than 3 years old. All the things that I had experienced in my life til then led be to believe what I believed. I thought I was in a life or death struggle, I don't how that affects a 3 year-old mind, temporarily or permanently, curably or incurably.

I am almost 100% this was not a dream but a real memory. I have various memories (of less significant events) that I am completely 100% sure were real happenings, and this one really feels about the same.

In talking to my mother, what she remembers validates very strongly these memories I have. I was apparently a very restless child/baby, rarely needing to be held and always wanting to run or roam around. She was not very experienced with children, and often tried to corral me or keep me held. There's a whole lot more to my story, but these are the most relevant details.

Unlike the recollections of others here, I feel like what happened to me happened, and it has never reversed itself. I don't have horrible anxiety attacks and can get by day to day, but I still feel like I know this thing happened to me, and I'm still not myself. Or I don't really have myself, or feel like I'm outside my body. But how can you describe the sensation of consciousness, or what our basic human experience of being is like? It's completely beyond words of course. Mine feels even more beyond words, since I'm trying to describe my state rather than changes in my state or experience.

The positive side for me is that like I said, I don't suffer anxiety attacks or have large problems functioning day to day. I hate this and it will plaque my life until I die, but what can I do. I have a beautiful daughter that I would do anything in the world for, and she's the most important thing in my life.

But at the same time not everything is right of course. I can sort of make it go away, but am always plaqued. I feel like I don't really have myself, but don't suffer from loss of control or anything like that. The feeling is more like being on the outside, watching everyone play through a window, but you can't go. I have a tendency to zone out into things in the environment, but its fully within my control. Like one moment I could feel absolutely horrible about this, but I could easily turn on the television and make it disappear by watching a football game or something.

There's more, but I don't know what's real and what's imagined. I mean it's all just my subjective experience, but life itself is a subjective experience, right?

This is something that I don't even bother telling anyone else about, because first it's impossible to describe, and second people seem to worry more about the effect DP has, than the actual DP itself. And if I've gotten by for over 30 years in my life, how could this be so bad right? Just the act of writing it down makes it seem less real for some reason. It's like when you put things down on paper your mind tries to see things more logically, and concludes that this is illogical and must be made up. Right now I see my words and am tempted to delete them- how can this all possibly be real?

I saw a psychologist once, but he thought I was mostly troubled by my memories, and never seemed to get what I was trying to convey. It's like falling and breaking your arm, and when you go to a doctor and complain about the pain his diagnosis is that you are troubled by the memories of the fall, instead of just fixing your broken arm. It was way more maddening than anything else I could imagine.

I had largely given up ever trying to find out more, or share this with anyone. I sometimes hope that if I try to 'stay centered', I can eventually regain myself. I went through a brief period where I would spend a lot of time with my eyes closed, hoping I would 'fall back' into myself. But I don't know...I sometimes search around the internet from time to time, and found this forum.

Sorry for the meandering post. I've written far more than I intended, but could probably write on for many more pages...I'm not expecting any answers, just wanted to share my experience to see if anyone else in the world might have possibly experienced anything remotely similar.

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Every living person makes decisions early in life about how to handle frustration.

You dealt with the frustration of your lack of freedom by separating yourself from the pain you were experiencing at that moment.

It WAS a life or death struggle. You chose a solution that has enabled you to live, but if you want to change that solution now, you can do it by discovering your unconscious motives for having detached yourself.

You chose it to begin with; you can choose to reverse it.

You could not effectively get what you wanted when you were a toddler. But you can do so today. You can come to know your deepest desires. That's what you buried on that day. It was your method of protecting yourself from the pain, but it turned out to do more than just protect from pain -- it led you to where you are now apparently regretting the toddler's decision.

You don't have to let the toddler rule your life now. Now, you know better what you want and you have the power to be effective.

One of the things you want is to truly feel whole and unified.

Psychoanalysis will help you.
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