Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 1 of 1 Posts

Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi folks,
I'm a 23-year-old guy from Germany. I'm a med student at my local university in D?sseldorf and since the end of 2000 I'm feeling kind of
I've never made any drug experiences (marihuana, XTC etc.) whatsoever,
I never drank alcohol on a regular basis or something. It took me quite a long time to finally register here - I vaguely remember browsing this site back in 2001.

My story:

I was living a quiet uniform life, concentrating on my success in school most of the time. I never really planned my future, I had no dreams about how my life would be one day as I thought everything -i.e. my reality- would always remain the same. This somehow sounds kinda sad, but I felt ok and knew my world which was comfortable for me.
When I was in elementary school, one day I told my mother and my teacher that I was having "a curious feeling" but the shrink I was sent to couldn't really figure out what it was. Doing an EEG didn't really explain anything. Finally the doctors told my mother to make me concentrate on other things like sports and school and so forth. And it worked. The strange feeling went away. This was -as I later referred to it- the beginning of my "reality".
Back then, I was also talking about black holes and stuff like this occasionally. I also remember watching a very popular Sci-Fi low budget TV show from GB called "Dr. No" which was mainly about travelling through other dimensions. In addition to that, this was the time when my father first cheated on my mother.
I don't know if this has anything to do with the condition I'm in right now.
I'm pretty much a mystery to myself.
Personally, today I think that I've never truly developed a stable, self-conscient self. I never came to realize : "Hey, that's me living this life and it's my life!". Later, in 1994 my father cheated on my mother the second time which was a kind of trauma for me. It was on New Year's Eve in Switzerland. My mother told me afterwards that my father had had several affairs before which made me feel disgusted and ashamed. I felt miserable and small. But we didn't talk about that anymore when coming home.
In November 1999 I first met my girlfriend, who says today that even back then she thought that something was pretty weird about me, because I was so megalomanic thinking only of my own advantage and feeling intellectually superior to anyone. I was cynical about her dreams of becoming a doctor and told her that her ideals were ridiculous. I was playing the role of the bored arrogant pessimistic know-it-all being only 18! I could never feel real love or deep emotions for her as my girlfriend but actually considered her a new kind of toy.
Looking back, I was the biggest ass around!!!! I called her just because I wanted to make her feel bad. I wasn't simply myself. My girlfriend somehow noticed that there was more behind this facade but became more and more depressed. I was permanently competing with her and I enjoyed when she failed an exam. I was acting like a bad spirit.
Simultaneously, I was acting extremely childish: I still had my mother cut my nails, wash my hair and so forth. Sounds a bit like Norman Bates, eh?
Basically, I was acting like Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho": There were no rules for me. Everything was possible. No one could stop me.

I couldn't be happy about anything. Goog marks at school had become a matter of course. Step by step, after my girlfriend had graduated I began to feel tired, bored and numb. I wasn't complaining about feeling detached then. Very slowly I began to feel like being "wrapped in cotton". Everything moved away from me. First, I wasn't concerned about this. It somehow didn't come from the outside but from inside of me. Step by step I began to feel a warm sensation sourrounding my head. I felt an increasing dizziness in my frontal head and confusion about my identity. That was a process that took about half a year. I ended up not really understanding anymore what was going on in front of my eyes. I actually had the feeling that I was just a pair of eyes wandering aroung. Then in 2001 the pain began. It was a deep chest pain that was beyond description. I couldn't really understand how I had become like this. I never saw myself from above or felt that a part of my body wasn't belonging to me. Neither did i believe that i was someone else or so.
I lost my background. I didn't know what I wanted, who I was. It's like Bill Murray in this movie where he's living the same day again and again.
I couldn't remember how my life was like before that. It's like time standing still. It's like a dream. i felt like stuck deep inside myself. Coming to think of it it's like a situation after which you wake up and say : What the heck was this? What was I doing? After two years of ignoring it, I'm right now seeing a shrink every week. I don't take any meds. I've tried a SSRI for about a week but stopped it.
Is this DP? Can anyone relate to all this?
1 - 1 of 1 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.