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Hey everyone,
I come from a past of childhood abuse(mentally+sexually)from around 8-24 years old.
6 of those years stuck in the same house with the abuser(without leaving the house any of those days).
At school I got bullied by classmates daily until I had no selfesteem left.
From these circumstances I developed a complex PTSD,personality disorder,depression and anxiety disorder.
(possibly OCD too)I have no contact with my family besides with my mom over whatsapp ocassionally (shes most likely narcisstic).I got no friends I can truly rely on besides my fiance who I live with since 5 years.
Its been 10 years now since I got rescued from my "stuck with the abuser"situation.
Since then ive experienced a variety of episodes of different symptoms like
"Blank mind"where I literally turn into a vegetable and my mind just shuts down with no thoughts.
Feelings of like iam carrying an insane amount of weight on my shoulders and my inner voice telling me things like"just drive into that car and youll be free of all the pain and weight"while biking.
Very depressed phases where I felt zero interest or motivation in anything.
Physical and mental weakness attacks rendering me pretty much unable to move/speak.
Now I stopped using Paroxetine about 2 months ago since I felt like a zombie and had other side effects while on it.A few weeks ago I felt like newborn and empowered and finally confronted and stopped contact with my landlords who have been treating me disrespectful and degrading since years to the point I fell into deeper depression and actually hiding from them.I told myself i dont deserve this treatment no matter how nice the house is and that I want to move away from here as soon as possible since they still harass me and I cant even do the things
I love like my garden without them disturbing me or destroying what I create.
Since Iam a very rational thinker I started to mentally let go of the things Ill be (most likely) losing when I move like the garden,my pet chickens and stopped decorating in and outside the house.
This left me with pretty much..emptyness around me.At the same time I realised Ive actually not been attracted to my fiance but over the years always told myself things like its the depression,the meds..etc.He did not treat me right over the years either(no abuse or violence)but recently started to and succeeded in becoming a better person in many ways.
I confronted him about it and since this moment its like my world fell apart and i turned into an alien.
I feel like iam watching myself exist like a TV show..kind of behind a veil.Theres no enjoyment in anything and I actually dont feel like a part of humanity,more like a foreign species that got thrown into the body of a human..human lifestyle,concepts,behavior seem alien and irrelevant to me.It reminds me of a bad weed trip I had which had me thinking Im in
hell and stuck in it forever now.Logically I know that this is most likely a thing triggered by anxiety,at the same time theres this immense fear of feeling like this and that it might not go away anymore.Im trying to snap myself out of it like out of a bad trip by distraction,reminding myself about things that I like and dislike etc..while my inner voice tells me to please just end myself to get out of this hell.
Is this what depersonalization/derealization is?
Does anyone maybe have any tips how to keep myself more sane/safer for now?Im used to the no interest/motivation part but feeling like a completely different species is the scariest symptom ive encountered in my life so far...my fiance is being a great support but Im afraid of what might happen once he has to go back to work and Iam alone in this state
 
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