[JossStick]

I'm new here and I am going to tell you my DP story. It's difficult for me as you can all imagine.

I've always been a loner. I didn't have friends at school. I was frequently physically abused at home. I always felt different to other people. I always felt my thoughts and feelings were different to others.

When I was about 11 I started thinking about "the big stuff" like "where did we all come from?" "how did the universe begin?" "what's it like to live forever?" "what happens when you die?" this all continued in my head until I was about 16 then for two years I suffered anxiety thinking about death. Then I started to feel happy again without medication and I met my partner Richard. I'm 19 now. A few months ago I started wondering if he was the one for me. I was worrying about the future, big time, and I got really depressed. It took me a while to see someone but now I am on Lexapro (Escitalopram) and waiting for a counsellor.

A few months ago before I went on the medication I started looking at myself as if I was looking at a stranger and I couldn't connect with myself. Everything was strange. I couldn't relate to Richard as the man I'd been with for 2 years. I was a completely different person when I met him. I no longer recognise myself in a mirror. When I do or say things it's as if someone else is saying them. I can't experience real emotion. Every day I am simply "going through the motions". So I strongly believe I have depersonalization disorder.

I can't decide what caused this. I know I have always been weird and had strange thoughts. Right now it feels like I've always had this at the back of my mind and it's just been activated.

However, for the past couple of years I have been using cannabis recreationally. I had about 2 joints a weekend on average. I stopped a few months ago for a while but now I am back on it because it seems to be the only way I can feel better, at least for a little while.

So it was either my childhood traumas that caused it or THC. I can't work it out for myself. I read some posts in the medical forum on cannabis-linked DP and it was a great read. I am keen to find different ways of killing the DP and becoming myself again, if that's possible.

If any of you have any suggestions or comments I would be delighted to hear them.

Thank you for putting up with such a long post.

Joss Stick

 

[Mule]

well i dont know if my dp/dr would of come on if i hadnt used cannabis, but i know it came on as soon as i did too much cannabis one night. you say you had those feelings/thoughts before you used cannabis right?

 

[bright23]

I think its very normal and human to question your relationship with your boyfriend. You do go through a lot of growth when you're 19 and feel like a different person. It's okay and normal to have doubts about thinking long term, like rest-of-your-life kind of thoughts.

The important thing is to discuss with someone you trust, a very close friend, or better yet a therapist, your feelings about your relationship. When things don't feel quite the same anymore, a common reaction is to begin feeling depressed.

 

[Guest]

When did you start using pot? You said it makes you feel better, but also asked if it might have caused your dp/dr so I take it you've had other experiences you didn't mention?

I'm a lot like you, started as a loner (no abuse though, sorry to hear that) and started asking myself those big questions, that's where I started having dp/dr symptoms. It continued like that and I'd have small breakdowns whenever I let my mind think about those things, until it finally came to a head and that's when I found out about dp/dr while trying to find out what was wrong with me. Everything else you said, what you feel like and everything is dead on for many of us, so you can at least know that a lot of people are going through the same thing. Pot helps me deal too, and sometimes when I stop it comes back worse, so I worry about how dependent I'm becoming. Sorry that there's not much advice here, all I can say is try different things, you might fiind a sweet spot. Your feelings about your boyfriend sound normal, but you're the only one that can decide if he's the one. For me, my girlfriend is my strongest tie to reality.

Good luck is all I can say.

 

[JossStick]

Thanks for your replies I can't pinpoint a time when I smoked cannabis and literally the next second I had DP. I remember a trip I had when my thoughts were all over the place and I could imagine myself as being multilayered, or multi faceted like a diamond and that could have started it.

I've always felt different but it wasn't until a few months ago that I felt the symptoms of someone with DP.