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This will be a long one and a continous story. And I wish it to be something that can give people hope even though 32 years is a long time of this condition. I will not post it in recovery just yet as the journey I'm undertaking now can be a long one but there is progress. I have thoughts about this matter that might not fall into everyone's belief system, but that is okay, maybe it can help a few that will start thinking outside the box. It can seem like a sad story, but in the grand scheme of everything I see it as learning and experience.

My story of DP start at age 5. I was always a very sensitive and imaginative child. I loved nature and my mother told me later on that I was making up a lot off stuff to the extent that they could never know if I was telling the truth (Hey, once there was a moose that actually tried to abduct my little brother who was 2 years old. That was actually true.).
My parents disliked each other a lot and there was abuse from my father. He was extremely controlling, cold, narcissistic and my mother responded with being very aggressive towards myself and my siblings. There was no love or affection in my family at that time and being the eldest of 5 I started to live in my head and take care of myself. Also as a person who was super sensitive I took on others people emotions and felt that it was all my fault. My mother made me feel small and that I was wrong about feeling any kind of emotions when they were fighting. "They were only having a little argument" as they called it. My father liked to threaten her with knives.. those were the small fights.
But this story is not about them.
At age 5 I one day sat in front of our sofa looking at it, it was the 80ties and the sofa was black with small squares in different colours scattered on it. It looked a little bit like the stars and the universe.
I started having thoughts about what happen when I die and I thought that I probably start a new life, and then I kept on thinking about being born, dying, born again, dying and so on until I got to the end. My mind started to think in a different way. It changed like your eyes change when you look at one of those 3D pictures. I felt myself getting pushed out in a void. Emptiness. Being alone for all eternity. My perception of time crumbled and I was in that void now, forever alone.
It was so extremely terrifying that I probably aged mentally about 20 years in that moment. Life felt so pointless, things felt pointless, people, my family and everything started to become grey and dark. I managed to get back but my childhood was lost from there on. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and what should I say anyway? I didn't know what was happening to me. I started to guard my thoughs, making systems on how to live this life and how to survive. But sometimes I didn't manage to keep it out and pushed me out in this void again. I was convinced I was a part of a big cosmic joke or even worse, I was a prisoner and a slave to this reality. It happened often the first years but with problems I had at home and also being bullied at school I went into a different state. The dream state. I started to volountarly dissociate. I was reading books and lived in a fantasy world. It was cosy and warm and the outside started to bother me less. But at 10 something changed again and it is only at age 37 I actually remember it. It could be a false memory but it still important to my story.
It started as a dream about my death. I was on my bike down the hill to our house and it was winter. The bike lost it's grip on the icy road and I fell and hit my head. I died. I couldn't wake up from this dream and the next I remember is first being into a static space without time. An eternity of my own frozen web. What I still remember (or remember again) is the meta data. The flooding of information from my timelines, the awareness that made my mind explode and a picture of Shiva.
How extremely terrifying this was it actually got worse. I was thrown out into a different kind of hyperspace, always moving and changing and it was so grande but still so limiting. My essence was a prisoner, for all eternity. I knew that we are all slaves and the sadness, and deception on a spiritual level was more than anyone could take.
I don't remember waking up from this dream but I remember the descent into what we call depersonalization. This reality was no more after this and I was confined to be an observer of life. But I was always good on controlling my mind and whatever happened to me I did not allow myself to think about. I got depressed instead and got suicidal thoughts around age 11. No friends or family that I could talk to but as it would happen I found solace in sport. I found the joy of physical exercise and I found friends in judo. Without it I would not have survived. And DP helped me, it made me brave instead of anxious and cautious. I could survive on my own. I left my family at age 16 as I was granted a scholarship at a school for athletes and it was a good time until I stopped competing at 23. I never felt complete, but it was more annoying then anything else. When I stopped I became suicidal again and was extremely depressed. I tried every kind of pharma but nothing helped. At 28 I stopped taking all pills and read books on how to think differently and to change thought patterns. It was the first thing that helped me. Cutting the cord to my father was the 2nd. I felt really free for the first time, my parents divorced a few years earlier and I had a new and healty relationship with my mother. The only thing was that I did not feel complete. I moved around a lot to different countries and I always liked the feelings in the start. Being no one. I felt free and never afraid.
But everytime I stayed longer and longer in one place. The energy started to wear off, and even though I wasn't depressed anymore the world seemed darker and more hostile. I'm 5 years in at the place I am now and the story that started at age 5 was the result of what happened 5 months ago.

I was a delusional atheist until 3 years ago. One night it was like a switch had been turned on and I started having dreams again about other dimensions. I had out of body experiences, some nice and other scary. Quickly as the logical and investigative person I am I started reading about all kinds of spiritual things you can find on the internet. 3 years in I looked into DMT and Ayahuasca and decided that I wanted to try it to see if it could help me find the missing pieces and to feel more grounded and connected.
And my dears, I was in for my next pivotal moment in this life.
I thought I was prepared and I heard so many stories about this life changing vine.
I did not know what I was getting into.

Part 2.

Talking about an Ayahuasca experience can be extremely difficult. One, you experience things that there are no words for. Two, you experience feelings that there are no words for. Three, one and two combined can make you sound like a complete lunatic if you actually find any words at all that would slightly fit the experience.
But most people would brush it off calling it a trip on psychadelics.

The dreams I had at age 10 was the echo of my 'trip'. When it happened during the ceremony I experienced at the same time in 1990. I don't know if the dream from so many years ago was a fabricated memory or not but during the ceremony time and space where gone. It was so intense that I during the time thought that my head would explode. There was no escape. The brutal force of 'reality' or what is behind the curtains was shown to me once more. I asked Ayahuasca to show me my truth, the 'why', and I got it.
I will not go more into this as it doesn't make sense to anyone else than myself. But my belief is that we really are prisoners in a virtual reality. The feeling of this deception as a lack of better, can't be felt with a human emotion or explained. The feeling wanted to rip my mind apart and the grief my body. I was so tired, every part of the ceremony activated these super Deja vus. I had done this so many times before and I am stuck into this life forever.
I let my mind close Pandora's box once more.

2 days later I was standing on a train station when I got kicked into the void. I lost parts of me during the ceremony but this threatened to take the rest.I used every bit of mental strenght I had to keep myself concious but a large chunk disappeared. I was back at age 10 when DP took me the first time for real and I remembered everything. This that has been in my body for all these years was not me. The voice/persona that had taken over to help me survive was not me. I or the essence that was me in this body left in 1990. So long and thanks for the fish!

So for a while it was all quiet. The voice was gone and instead there was the blank mind that many fellow DP sufferers talk about.
I had no clue what was going on. I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life, I was afraid of everything. The world changed changed into a 2D dimension, light was too bright, shadows too dark, memories were no more than stacked on top of each other. Fake memories without life, time didn't exist, background sounds from power lines, ACs and such noises immediately triggered me into deeper depersonalization. Nothing felt safe. I wanted to end it all the first weeks but the thought of possible ending up in that prison hell again stopped me. I was almost psychotic and I was convinced I was possessed or still in the ceremony waiting to wake up.
As many others I got really bad tinnitus from it so I was pretty sure my days were numbered and the death by brain cancer imminent.
I felt so stupid. Why couldn't I have been content with an unfullfilling life? Hey, most people doesn't looks so happy anyway, sure I could have lived like that for 4 more decades or so.

The following weeks where very strange. Growing up I only had emotions that touched the surface. Never deeper. But now I felt everything so strong. Everything looked and felt wrong. My memories where no more filled with motion but emotion. They transformed. In the evenings I was fearful, anxious and afraid but in the mornings when walking in the dark to the bus to work, revelation after revelation happened.
Feelings of guilt, shame, anger and even hate towards my mother. I felt so afraid that she would pass away without me being able to forgive her for not being there. I felt the raw emotions I had before all of this happened. Even though it was horrible I didn't want them to leave, beacuse they were mine. Where DP once helped me survive I now had a short window of time to process and heal. It took me a while to find out that this was actually a 'thing'. I was so used to be alone but lo and behold, the internet is full of fellow sufferers.
The emotions where the good part of this. But in the aftermath I have been plagued my visions when I'm falling a sleep, bell like sounds in the middle of the night. If I do wake up I don't know who I am or who my boyfriend is. That is terrifying in itself but when that happens I don't have DP. And for someone that have it for 27 years 24/7 that it is not something nice. It is horrible! I feel attacked, without a shield or anything to defend me with. When that happens I go back to sleep and in the morning the filter is back.

This post is not a pro-Ayahuasca post. It is legal in Europe but I do think it is in fashion to fix all problems. I can not regret it as it felt that all led to it. I was supposed to. It is said that you will only be shown what you are ready to know, but the pain can be the worst pain you can ever imagine. I was naive enough to think that I will go into the ceremony, have a few visions, realise that my father is an asshole and then be healed and connected with all the badgers, unicorns, fellow humans and mother Earth.

I don't think Ayahuasca can heal DP as I don't think DP is the cause but only the result of something else. But I do think that Aya can help heal the underlaying cause which could take it away. But the price can be high and everyone is different.
With that I'm actually heading towards to the reason I wanted to write this post and also why I posted it in the spirituality group.

PART. 3 Soul loss

During the time when I truly felt psychotic and infested by various evil entities I contacted a lot of people to get advise. I did not know yet about DP and wanted to speak to other Shamans about what happened. I read about 'The dark night of the soul' which kind of fit the description' but still not. I contacted one of these hardcore Shamans in the Netherlands and was on my way over there when I found one here in Ireland that I went to instead. She was all fluff, airy fairy and talking about me being in the light with the ancient Greek Gods and all sorts. I didn't feel better from it directly but she gave me the advise to keep off the spiritual stuff for a while and to just live in the now. She was right in that sense. I stopped being anxious and kept occupying my mind with mundane things. But while most people with DP feel DP related issues very strongly and can't stop thinking about it that is just my normal. But for me it triggers frustration and dread, the absurdity of the hamster wheel, why doesn't more people see how crazy the world we live in? Why can't they wake up? I want to shake my fellow humans until they see!
So I couldn't let it be and I found another shaman that fits into my world view of conspiracies and who is for the human awakening.

I had my first session with her in the beginning of December. When we were done she told me what she did with my energy body. There was no soul retrieval at that time as she said my aura was weak and 3 lowest chakras non functional. I was listening half hearted as I just thought she was like the other one I went to who where just speaking BS. But what I didn't tell her was that I about 5 minutes into the session my heart started to beat and go so fast that it felt like it was going to explode. We were not in the same room so she didn't know this. In the end of our chat she said I had been quite difficult and anxious in the start as she took my astral body out flying. Me: Instant believer.
So the result of the first session.
I went out in the afternoon and my DR was gone. I didn't realise that I had been almost colourblind before, only seeing grey and beige tones.
The colours I now see are how I used to see colours as a child, it is absolutely amazing! I can't even describe the joy the day after when I went into town and saw all the shades, some where so bright I couldn't even look at it. The green grass is so green it almost turn blue. Peoples faces in all different tones, it was really the coolest thing I have ever experienced.
My tinnitus also decreased and the pressure I had on my head was relieved.
2nd session.
I did this one a week after. She continued to work on my energy body and my base chakra. This time she went on with the soul retrieval and found a piece from me age 5-6 (I did not give her any information about this beforehand) and described what I looked like, what I was wearing and also why that piece disappeared. The piece was a part of my assertiveness and it told her that she left as the parents hated her and she didn't have anyone. I was explained that it wasn't the biggest piece but due to circumstances (that I would like to keep for myself) this is what she could find at that time. It all fit the description.
After that I felt very sad and extremely lonely for some days.

I felt so extremely alone in this world and I so abandoned. I have always taken care of myself and have been in many relationships that have lasted for a couple of years. But there has never been any connection, neither to family, friends or lovers. I deeply long for that. To be able to feel, not just with people but with the earth and the physical plane.
As I wrote before, I have been depressed and unconnected most of my life but never had a word for DP so this has just been my normal state. I feel there is so much more, just behind the corner, unattainable for so long but it is getting closer. For many other with DP I think it can be easier, some people can wake up one day and be normal again if they don't have that many issues to work through.
I truly think this is soul loss or soul fragments leaving the body to be in a nicer enviroment until it is safe to go back. I know lots of people think it is BS and are just waiting for the next SSRI to try and they believe that this is purely physical. It is up to them and it is not for that group I'm writing this for.
I have always reasoned logical and spent my life looking for logical explanations to my state of being. At this stage this is the most logical explanation. "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
I highly recommend to read "Soul Retrieval: Mending the fragmented self" by Sandra Ingerman.

Session 3.
I met with the Shaman again one week after the previous session and she didn't do a retrieval this time. Again it was work on my lower chakras and energy body. This time on the 2nd and 3rd. After this session I felt taller. It was very strange, I'm 4'11 (1.50 m) and I had problems walking during the day. I felt extremely nauseated as the ground felt so far away. Where I was previously completely numb I had strange sensations with pounding in my belly and solar plexus. I had severe chest pains and I started to think I was going to have a heart attack. The sensations I had again felt again like something from when I was a child. Everything was in turmoil.
The shaman told me that some flower essences could be helpful to help me with the process. I had never heard about this before so I 'looked into it' (ie obsessively scouring the internet about everything that mentions flower essences and dissocation).
I started with Bach flower remedies. Clematis and Beech. Clematis for 'people that lives mostly in their own fantasy world' and Beech 'To tolerate other people better'. Beech was most helpful. I have created my own rules for how things should be, I'm a perfectionist and I don't like when people don't pay attention to details. It really annoys me as it doesn't fit into my own order. This really took the edge off and helped me to see the person they are instead of their sloppy actions. I felt in my heart area for the first time genuine love for other people and it was felt amazing. So I went to get some more of the essences. Maybe too many :)

Bach flower remedies:
Olive: Physical and mental exhaustion as I'm always so drained.
Red Chestnut: Fear of loved ones. I constantly worry about my mothers wellbeing. We don't live in the same country so I also always feel guilty about not being there.
Hornbeam: The tiredness of repetion. I got bad deja vus and feel that I'm living this life over and over again.

I got some also from Australian Bush flower and I started to take them but I want to continue with just Bach for a while.
The flower essences really changed things up. I feel so energetic! Writing all this would have not been possible before. One, before I only had the energy to wake up, go to work and back to bed. Two, I would have cared way to much about other people's opinions. Three, I would have got bad anxiety knowing all the spelling and grammar mistake I would make. That in it itself would have stopped me after the first sentense feeling stupid for even thinking that this was a good idea. I have read some posts here where people where completely bashing flower essences and homeopathic remedies as not being scientifically proven. I'm just wondering why the same people keep on trying different SSRIs that has no proven results in DP whatsoever and also being directly harmful with all side effects.
I do have a lot against pharma pills. I'm sure it can help in some aspects but I have during a 10 year period been on most and it only made things worse. I was even prescripted Cyprexa even thought I was not psychotic. The nice doctor who said it was a good idea did this knowing that the medical company was under one of the biggest law suits in the US due to this pill. I was told it could make me gain 'some' weight and being very petite at 46kg (101 Ibs) I went up to 86kg (190 Ibs) in 6 months. This should be impossible looking at only calorie intake. So my view on this is to look the way the money goes and then walk in the opposite direction.
Sorry for the side note.

Investigating this also took me to the subject about Empaths.
A lot of people with DP seem to be highly senstive to others and their enviroment. I find this also being a quite good explanation to why you would suffer from it. A senstive soul being emotionally neglected or abused would find a way to shield themselves becoming numb and disconnected due to sensatory overload. If you would like me hear that you are too sensitive and your emotions are not valid or wrong there is no other option then to supress everything.If a person who smokes weed, gets anxious they could with a highly sensitive personality trait 'break', again due to the overload. DP would not be the cause but the result.
The most logical would be to focus on the cause but I do understand that people who suddenly get this condition would freak out and focus solely on the DP. The OCD would keep them in the thought loop, creates a fear and will not let them see it from a different angle.
I have read a lot of people don't know why they got this. They had a loving and stable family and there was nothing that would imply that this could happen. It is time to dig deeper my friends.
Not only could the state of others affect you but also the enviroment. We are bombarded with noice, visual impressions, must have, should do, toxic food and EMF from electrical devices. It would be very naive to not believe in the bad impact these can have on your overall health and mental state.

So this was very long and I doubt anyone read it to the end. So have I cured DP? The answer is no.
It might disappoint people. Not me. I have for the past 5 months experienced so many new sensations, real emotions and the deepest fear I have ever felt. Going from someone who has been a living robot pretending to be human for the past 27 years I embrace even the fear.
Going the long route, processing and cleaning out everything will take time. But it is exiting! Part of DP is the numbness and that is going away. I'm not ready for the filter to be turned off just yet, but I have no doubt in my mind that it will. :)

My next session with the Shaman is the 2nd week in January so I guess there will be an update after that.

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I'm sure some people will immediately dismiss this as you used 'illegal drugs'. Not too long ago I would have had that belief as well.. but there have been a lot of studies on magic mushrooms recently and tomorrow I start microdosing. I would prefer ayahuasca as it is a kappa agonist but the price would be far too much as I would have to travel to another country... very very slowly we are getting there and science is actually showing these plants humans have used for thousands of years have real benefit. Glad you have found benefit from it. Are you in the USA?

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
No, in Ireland. :)

I'm Swedish/Norwegian though and travelled to Denmark for the ceremony.

Many people will dismiss my post. But it is not finished yet. I will come to the point soon haha

I hope the mushrooms works and that you will post about it.

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
ok this is unrelated, but do u take vitamin D? vitamin D deficiency can lead to many many bad things (including DP/chronic fatigue/depression) and looks like u wasnt exposed to sun that much time. sun is the source of life xd..
I spent years as an athlete and always kept on top of all of those things. Also, when I was a child I was a lot outside. Being fair skinned vitamin D deficiency is usually not an issue. I always also made sure to have the best products in the supplement area that are on the market. :)

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My parents also always fought, never seen them kiss in my life. I think there's a pattern here. Sometimes I hate my parents for making me and one of the few things that keep me from killing myself is the idea that I will have kids of my own and they will be loved
I agree. If you can't do anything about a situation where your caregivers actually are incapable of taking care of you you have no option other than to escape. We don't just need a roof over our heads but feeling loved and that we matter. I felt so unimportant to my parents that I literally feel that I'm a burden to this world and doesn't deserve a place here. I don't say it because I'm depressed or suicidal anymore but it is so ingrained that it feels like the truth.
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