[wonderlandme]

So I am started this online blog in an attempt to help myself understand myself better, as well as helping others who may be going through the same thing as me. My dp began in 2009, I had an ex boyfriend who gave me a joint for Xmas and I decided to smoke with him, I honestly feel like this was the worst decision of my life. At the moment I smoked, initially i felt like a rockstar, huge adrenaline rush, and kind of a euphoric feeling over me, but as soon as i got out of my car and walked towards the house. Boom...i felt like i was floating. Literally i could not feel my body, my legs, i felt like i was just there in spirit. I freaked out because I honestly felt like I was dying. What the hell did he give me? was all i could think of. I kept asking him and he said to me laughing hahaha "your a ghost" and something immediately snapped in my head and i went into full blown panic attack. I began shaking like an epileptic, i thought it was my blood pressure dropping or blood sugar, i had no idea why i felt out of my body entirely. Once inside the house, i would look at my children who were inside the whole time and i would see them one minute next to me, and the next on the other side of the room. I could not figure out what the hell was going on. He put me in a cold shower, but once i came out i still felt the same way. I remember i went and kissed my kids goodnight and in my head thinking this was the last time i was going to see them. I remember it so clearly, like i was saying goodbye to my kids. In an attempt to calm down, i tried to lay down and deep breathe, but in my head all i could think was if i go to sleep i am going to dye. And i could only see myself in my head running down the street screaming for help. I felt as if i was losing my mind. Scariest moment of my life. Ever, I finally managed to fall asleep after 6 hours of this shit. Woke up the next day, but nothing was the same anymore. I kept wondering in my head if I had died the night before, if my kids were really talking to me or i was imaging it, it would take me like 20 minutes to answer people when they talked to me. I kept freaking out because i did not know what had happend to me, I ended up in the hospital..where the dr who saw me just said panic attacks. gave me some ativan and sent me on my way home. The ativan calmed me down and i managed to go back to work a week after. but nothing was the same anymore. I started having panic attacks at work, at home, at the store, things were bad. I Would drive and forget where i was, where i was going. I REALLY though i needed to be Baker Acted, but I was afraid to ask for help because i did not want to lose my children.
So, at the time I worked for a clinic and my dr was aware that i was suffering from anxiety. He gave me a rx for Paxil. and i would say this medication did help me to regain some sense of normal back. I was still working, I began to see a phsyciatrist. After about a year passed, I started having visual disturbances in the sense of Floaters. For some reason, the paxil was not helping me anymore and the floaters were constant, so i stopped the paxil and my Phsyciatrist tried Serquoel. The first night on Seriquoel all i remember was taking the pill and seeing clouds. I passed out. Too strong of a medication for me. I am extremely sensitive to meds. So i told the dr i could not take it. He put me on Xanax, but i still felt very depersonalized on xanax.

At this point i was desperate, i did not want to lose my kids, i am a single mother and i had to be ok to take care of them.

So he put me on Klonopin 0.50 mg as daily.

The klonopin Was key this medication really helped with my panic attacks, anxiety and somehow things began to feel normal again. On top of that I ran into the DP MANUAL online. And read this book, for some reason once i began to read it, something just clicked in my head and said : This is my recovery. I need to read this book and do as it says, for the life of me. So I did, I cut off all caffeine, ate healthier, stayed distracted watching movies, God tons of movies, tv series, talked to friends alot, listenened to music and eventually even started going out with friends. Distraction was my saviour. Distraction was my recovery. I realized this.

Needless to say, another year passed, I was doing a whole lot better. Things and life were back to normal. I still had a little anxiety but NO DP. life was good.

2013- The year my life did a 360

April 2nd- I found out that my daughters father had passed away, he had just been at my house the day before to visit our daughter! Me and him were no longer together but he was literally like my best friend, my daughter was devastated, i was devastated. Life will never be the same. I have never hurt so much in my entire life.

April 7- Having to bury my daughters father and first love has got to be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I still cannot get rid of this pain. The pain of losing a loved on, crushes your entire being. Made me question life. and my purpose.

April 8th- the recent relationship i was in was over, my ex decided to break up with me while i was still in Puerto Rico for my daughters fathers funeral. Talk about a double whammy.

April 9- I came back to florida where i live, and had chest pains that night..ended up in the hospital. Where the dr said i had pneumonia and ps...I was 6 weeks pregnant. I had no idea. I called my ex to give him the news, and hoping deep inside this would lead to our reconciliation, i needed him so bad. but he told me that he thought it was better if i had an abortion, and that me being pregnant did not change his decision of not wanting to be together. I was devastated.

The next couple of weeks were a blur, i remember debating every single day if i should keep this baby or have the abortion. But in all honesty I could not afford it, i was not working at the time, and i am already a single mother of 2, i was struggling as it is, and i could not do this on my own. I could'nt.

April 21- I went to the clinic, for the most painful abortion procedure ever. Feeling guilty, forced, left with no choice, and grieving.

Came home and a few weeks passed.

By the end of may I began having severe stomach aches, went back to the hospital only to find out I had gallbladder stones and needed to have surgery, Under General Anesthesia! Fuck.

Mind you, I have dp...so i was not exactly thrilled at being put to sleep when I did not know how this was going to affect my depersonalization.

Stress overcame me for the following couple of weeks leading up to surgery.
Ended up in the hospital before surgery. The dr said i was having a panic attack, along with a possible blood clot in my lungs. So they had to run some tests and the drs injected Decadron, Benadryl, Ativan all at once via iv.

a few minutes later DP came to fuck my life up again. Literally that out of body feeling i had in 2009 overcame me and I freaked out bad, i was screaming in the hospital HELP ME!! but the dr's did not do anything, i felt like i was dying, this time though the immediate feeling lasted only a few seconds. And i snapped out of it...

Or so i thought

Today- It has been over a month since my dp came back, and today it is a daily battle. I am trying to do everything I did before in order to recover. Distract myself, keep busy, no caffeine, take my klonopin daily, sleep, socialize etc. And these things are helping me.

But at the moment my worst part is sleeping. I am not sure if I have sleep apnea but I seem to keep getting my out of body feeling when I am asleep, it wakes me up and i wake up choking and gasping for air. I will be scheduling a sleep study soon just to rule that out if necessary. Better safe then sorry.

I am going to therapy, once a week. She is nice to talk to, not sure if she really knows too much about DP but she does give me alot of coping techniques, and has me writing alot which seems to be helping me understand the grieving process, helps my self esteem, and she is teaching me how to relax more.

Overall i would say i know I can beat this. I have done it before, I know it is not an overnight cure. I just need to keep busy and distract myself at all times.

Hopefully i can figure out this sleep situation, because that is when i get that feeling the most.

I hope my story can help somebody. I am sorry it is alot, i just really needed to share it.

I will keep posting on my recovery process and what I am doing to cope with life and dp.

Nora