[Guest]

I've been diagnosed with Paranoid Psychoses... This year, whilst under IMMENSE stress (haha).

I felt like Joe Pesci in that scene in JFK before He turns up dead...

My relatives, and people in general TRIGGER my deep, deep paranoia. When I'm NOT AROUND THEM, it doesn't get triggered.

I'm full of cosmic dirt. Why arn't people ACCOUNTABLE for their energy...

I also need to stress my concerns over my blank head again... I have no internal dialogue... Please someone relate to this... What does this mean.

I see the room. I see people my head and neck are static. Help. I have NO internal dialogue, just low focus thoughts, spinning.
Help.

Does anyone else have burning panic in their gut at all times?
I'm sure alot of people get the burning panic... Jesus.

Help. Why do my relatives RAM my head full of junk? I try and be good, I walk on eggshells, I bite my tongue and hold my breath. I just want to KILL them, that's all... people wont stop HURTING ME everyone asks too much of me. I dont have a life

 

[Misty]

That's the way I feel when I'm around my parents and sisters. I feel all dizzy and weird. I have a pit in my stomach that makes me sick to my stomach. I hold my tounge, but they always seem to still find what I do wrong. I'm the only child in college, living on my own (of the girls) and not doing drugs (of the girls). I raise my daughter, go to college full time, looking for a part time job, full time wife, maid and cook. But yet my family can find what I do wrong rather than make me feel good for what I did accomplish. I just wish I could tell them all off of how they piss me off so bad!!!! That would make me feel so much better.

Sorry Ghost, I only know how you half way feel. But the part I do understand, sucks and I wish it would change. :evil:

 

[Guest]

That's the way I feel when I'm around my parents and sisters. I feel all dizzy and weird. I have a pit in my stomach that makes me sick to my stomach. I hold my tounge, but they always seem to still find what I do wrong. I'm the only child in college, living on my own (of the girls) and not doing drugs (of the girls). I raise my daughter, go to college full time, looking for a part time job, full time wife, maid and cook. But yet my family can find what I do wrong rather than make me feel good for what I did accomplish. I just wish I could tell them all off of how they piss me off so bad!!!! That would make me feel so much better.

Sorry Ghost, I only know how you half way feel. But the part I do understand, sucks and I wish it would change. :evil:

Dont be sorry.

Fulltime wife maid & cook? Are you looking for a husband? Or you mean, the way you have to look after your daughter?

I'm in shock at how disrespected and "hated" I am. I never did a thing wrong, but it turns you, an evil part of you grows a black garden on top of your intestines and festers into nothingness.

I was on anti-nausea drugs for 5 years. In the end I'd tried every nausea drug on the market, and I was still throwing up my breakfast. I moved out in January this year... I haven't been on anti-nausea drugs ever since...

I get dizzy in shopping centres, and in supermarket aisles. And in big malls, I get engulfed by the open space, and start feeling "buffeted" by people like they are toxic or something, I end up feeling like I've stepped into a "waking dead" movie and am surrounded by zombified people who have no heart.

I find it hard to "eat" around my relatives, it's like I'm just "stuffing" the food down. I am quite SELFLESS in person. Games, defensiveness and vitriole dont really occur to me sometimes, I float and LET OTHERS BE (Believe it or not). But y'know... the amount of bad energy I feel thrown at me can feel like an enslaught.

I think I've maybe done 100,000 things wrong, which is a SPECTACULAR effort FOR NOT EVEN TRYING...
(Someone's NOT TRYING, that's for sure).

My life isn't THAT bad, I just wish I had an internal dialogue... I'm sick of territorial pissings by people...
I've gone demented.

"Piss you off so bad"... I find it HARD TO BELIEVE they cant see your "subtle signs" of that...

They hate you because you're too special, Misty. It's ALWAYS the way... Start drinking, drop out of college and live off a rich husband, and they'll find your moral corruptness soothing.

 

[Guest]

I have a close relative who has paranoid personality disorder.

As far as I understand with this condition a person needs to seek out a therapist.
A person needs to learn to build up trust.Sometimes we have to trust somebody in order to get help.

Wishing you all the best Shelly

 

[Guest]

I have a close relative who has paranoid personality disorder.

As far as I understand with this condition a person needs to seek out a therapist.
A person needs to learn to build up trust.Sometimes we have to trust somebody in order to get help.

Wishing you all the best Shelly

I dont trust anybody.

That makes me upset...

I was diagnosed with Paranoid Psychoses... And my Mum is 50 million times more paranoid than me, and She's only diagnosed PTSD.

I moved away from Mrs. Manipulator... con... and was at a hospital getting a Physical check up, my Mum got a phonecall through to me because She was ringing where I was living and they told Her I was getting an assessment.

I was new to my new city, and I couldn't be bothered with a GP because I have multiple physical conditions as well as an assumption of a stroke. I stayed to get an ulcerated would treated by IV and Mum got a phonecall through. I screamed down the phone at Her because SHE'S A BUTTON PUSHER, She didn't "want" anything, She wasn't INTERESTED in my welfare, She was snooping and being "centre-stage" again, She's about as empathetic as a vampire...

I got a Psych assessment FORCED on me (as you do) because I screamed at Her in the ward like a maniac and hung up.
I asked at reception that they not put anymore calls through.

My Mum's an idiot. I have to be paranoid about Her because She's a compulsive liar and a trouble maker and a master manipulator. She's very very angry about SOMETHING...

I'm so mad that I've got this FAT Psych record and the fool skips free. Damn Her stupid bones...

 

[Misty]

I'm a full time maid and cook for my daughter and husband. I've been married for three years and he still doesn't understand why I don't like big groups or being around a lot of people in the mall, ect... He is the type of person that everyone loves. He can make anyone smile even if they are so far down in the dumps, he makes friends soooo easy. I try, but I get a panic attack and shy out. Unless I am one on one, I don't talk.(In person)

I just wish my parents knew how they were treating me. When I was in the hospital, I told them but nothing has changed. They will always think that I am worthless. But I know, well i'm learning, that I'm special and worthy. At least I know for my daughter I am super mom. She tells me how pretty and special I am, but that's because she hears me tell her ALL the time that she is beautifull and special. (it's kinda cute really) But hopefully, ghost, our lives will get better soon. :wink:

 

[Guest]

oh dear,family dynamics,it can be so complex.

Just want to say something from a parents perspective.I'm not trying to convince anybody of anything.
As a parent who loves both of her adult children enormously,if I have ever hurt their feelings which I'm sure I have done on a few occasions,its never ever intentional.
I firmly believe that most parents(not all),the vast maority of us,mean well.
We may at times express ourselves in a clumsy way,we may at times out of sheer frustration say things which would have been better left unsaid.
I believe most parents care deeply about their children's happiness and welfare.
As people,parents unfortunately can be stubborn and have difficulty admitting when we are wrong.Parents are most imperfect.
I've noticed it can be the same for our children.

Sometimes our parents or other close relatives can leave us scarred for life but we don't have to be the walking wounded.
Good parents,bad parents,average parents at some stage we all have to take responsibility for our own actions.

Cheers Shelly

 

[Guest]

oh dear,family dynamics,it can be so complex.

Just want to say something from a parents perspective.I'm not trying to convince anybody of anything.
As a parent who loves both of her adult children enormously,if I have ever hurt their feelings which I'm sure I have done on a few occasions,its never ever intentional.
I firmly believe that most parents(not all),the vast maority of us,mean well.
We may at times express ourselves in a clumsy way,we may at times out of sheer frustration say things which would have been better left unsaid.
I believe most parents care deeply about their children's happiness and welfare.
As people,parents unfortunately can be stubborn and have difficulty admitting when we are wrong.Parents are most imperfect.
I've noticed it can be the same for our children.

Sometimes our parentsor other close relatives can leave us scarred for life but we don't have to be the walking wounded.
Good parents,bad parents,average parents at some stage we all have to take responsibility for our own actions.

Cheers Shelly

I have ZERO responsibility for my own actions... I'm an idiot.

People say they HATE me cos I'm too honest... I cant see how that can be annoying. I dont know what "too honest" means anyway...

I wish people were ABSOLUTELY clear.

Sorry Shelly, but you scare me. You remind me of alot of people I know.

I'm a full time maid and cook for my daughter and husband. I've been married for three years and he still doesn't understand why I don't like big groups or being around a lot of people in the mall, ect... He is the type of person that everyone loves. He can make anyone smile even if they are so far down in the dumps, he makes friends soooo easy. I try, but I get a panic attack and shy out. Unless I am one on one, I don't talk.(In person)

I just wish my parents knew how they were treating me. When I was in the hospital, I told them but nothing has changed. They will always think that I am worthless. But I know, well i'm learning, that I'm special and worthy. At least I know for my daughter I am super mom. She tells me how pretty and special I am, but that's because she hears me tell her ALL the time that she is beautifull and special. (it's kinda cute really) But hopefully, ghost, our lives will get better soon.

I hope my life will get better soon too... actually NO I DONT. I dont bloody know WHAT I WANT - My Mother to lose Her entrails maybe...
I've always wanted to burn my Fathers house down...

I think there's a whopping difference between a family "doing their best", and a family using one member as a Psychological torture victim...

 

[dreamcatcher]

honesty is the best policy.....i get accused of been too honest for my own good.

 

[Guest]

I had a family who loved me very much. They were so troubled, and there were all kinds of transgressions, inappropriate actions, etc..but I was loved.

However, I do not think it is true that ALL parents love their children, or that all parents are doing the best they can for the child's sake.

In order to love, one must have a strong sense of self. Some parents unfortuately, USE their child as an object - or as an extension of themselves. They hate, envy, and are repelled by a child who reminds them of things they hate in themselves.

Those are hopefully, rare parents. But they're out there, guys. There are some parents who try to control/dominate a child for its entire life because they are afraid of this "creature" getting out from under their hand. They fear and envy the child who might go off, free on its own, and live. They are parents who hate life.

There is HOPE for everyone, everyone....regardless of how much you are in now. But the deck is stacked differently for each of us and those of us who were used rather than loved have a much harder road to travel in search of a self.

Peace,
Janine

 

[Guest]

In case there is any confusion,I do not think in black and white when it comes to parenting.
As a parent I realise that parenting is far more complex then it might appear when you see those cute little babies with booties on.

No way do ALL people love their children.

I of all people I understand that some people don't do a very good job of being a parent.

Parenting is not an easy job,believe me for many of us the job comes automatically with guilt.

I'm sorry if I scare you Ghost,can't do much about that,I guess.

All the best, never the less,Shelly

 

[Misty]

I am the first born with my real mom and dad. I have a brother who is three years younger than me. My folks split in '88 and my dad was remarried in '90. I got an older (by four years) and younger (by three years) step sister. Ever since, anything I had I had to give to my younger sisiter because "I was the older sister". We got the same thing for Christmas and when she broke or lost hers I was told to give mine up because once again "I was the older sister". I got preganat in my Junior year of high school. Had my daughter October of my senior year. When my younger sister was in her junior year, my parents bought her a '99 camero convertable because she didn't get preganat. (mine and my older sisters cars were POS) When someone hit her car, they bought her a '02 Monte Carlo. Then she desided that car was a granny car so they bought her an '01 camero convertable again. She doesn't pay a dime for anything. She doesn't work, and when she does get a little job, it's money to buy her drugs. She's an alchoalic (or how ever you spell it) She is 20 and my dad buys her beer and liquar. She is into drugs/drinking and never listens to them (obeys them) but they still pay for EVERYTHING. I work hard, pay for my own car, my own rent, take care of my own daughter, am totally clean of drinking/drugs. Full time student, mother, wife. But yet they tell me how great my younger sister is. To add one more note....this is my father, I am his flesh and blood, but he has my little STEP sisters name TATTOOED on HIS back...Tell me how fu**ed up that is.

Sorry...just needed to vent about her. I know I should let it go, but I lived with it since I was 9 and although I don't live at their house, It stills bothers me so. Just wanted to put in my two cents.
Sorry for going on and on and on and on and on........ect...

:wink: :evil: [/quote]

 

[Guest]

Misty,it's ok to vent.
One place where it's safe to do so.

All the best,Shelly

 

[Guest]

You were used as an object Misty.

I dont know why... but after I read Shelly's post about guilt and parenting OR WHATEVER IT IS, I just threw up. I DONT KNOW WHY. It's my fault. Let's just establish... It's MY fault. I threw up because I'm Psychotic, paranoid, delusion & irrational...

Janine. Read my post about my blank head, on, I think shadowness' thread... dunno. I just wrote it. I am describing...

I'm freaking out at the moment... When I freak out, I write about ANYTHING but the problem... I'm having BIG STRESS about something personal... When I have acute stress, I actually cant talk about it.
My writing is effected by a big thing looming on mi head this week... I'm dying.

I cant write about it when I have a REAL issue. I cant even drag it out of myself. The pressure is like being stuck at the bottom of the ocean...

Janine, am I "mad" if I have a blank Psyche and DP of my head, panic in my gut (Emotional animal)... Can longterm loss of internal dialogue make your head a scramble? What happens to people in cults when they finally need to find an identity and "see through" mounds of crap that felt "safe" at the time...
Was I "safe" living with my Mother after I lost my internal dialogue? Would I have had DP states or loss of internal dialogue BEFORE I was 5???

Has anyone else had a long-term DP like 21 years... fulltime?
Do people in cults lose "pressure" on their Psyche completely for periods like 21 years?

Does anyone KNOW what it feels like to not be able to apply counter-pressure with my Psyche???

Why was my Mum so NASTY when I left home, if I never did anything wrong?

How child abusive is it to smash through your kids' Psyche and keep it blank and malleable.
WHY does my brain feel like mush, howcome I have no sense of self at all, who can fix this???

 

[Guest]

FURTHERMORE.

Here, read this...

ghost.....it sounds like your mother gave you a really crap ride......you do sound highly paranoid......but who could blame you for that with your upbringing......everyone on this forum tries to help each other just accept people are trying to help you here and are not trying to be hurtful

Ha! really crap ride...

I'm so paranoid/low self esteem, when I saw the replies were here I dared not read them in case they got scary...

Quote:
There's pure hearts on this message board...

Ghost I see yours as well.
I feel so much pain coming from what you write that I got tears in my eyes.
There IS help.
Dont give up.

I'm aware that everyone who helps me also has DP/DR themselves and is struggling for the magic potion.

I'm very emotional, because only MY EMOTIONS are switched on. I'm highly volitile and easily turn into brain mush, because without an internal dialogue people just smash through my psyche all day, making me demented. No barrier, no sense of self. Dissconnected into unworthiness.

You dont know what it FEELS LIKE to have people ramming into an unprotected psyche all day, ramming into my head on the phone, in person and in emails without any counter-pressure of an internal dialogue. Just a blank space where people dig deep into my brain, helping to steer my ship...

I'm dying... I dont call it "loving parenting" to drive your stupid Autistic kid coo-coo...

I wonder if people in CULTS etc, can understand how I feel, to have people be able to ram straight into their psyche without a barrier to access sense of self and manipulate their actions.
I cant THINK

Why didn't my Mum take me to a Doctor to see what was wrong when She smashed through my Psyche barrier... I ruined my reputation when I was 5 onwards I had no hope.

I acted like a subservient frantic lunatic. (When I was 5).
I was an emotional animal.

I had absolutely NO Psyche protection or sense of self left in my command.
Why am I paranoid when no-one can see how distressing it is...?
People can turn my brain to MUSH, they're just ramming straight into a blank Psyche.
Why does GHOSTS awareness just have to be of the room, why cant I control my vocal chords? Why doesn't anyone else have a ball of burning panic on fire in their gut "keeping them alive" since they were 5, why does everyone say that my Mum is really nice?

I fixed some spelling mistakes... I HATE SPELLING MISTAKES...

I know I scare you Janine. It isn't my fault. Nothing's my fault. No-one helps me that's all.

I hate life. Put me in the Psychiatric ward and THROW AWAY THE KEY.

You... have NO CLUE the way my Mum & Brother behaved right before I left home... no clue. It was like the gates of hell had opened EVERYONE I knew (or thought I knew), did a "180 degree" turn.

Only 3 people were "the same". Two of my Mothers friends and a lady I knew who was a rebel in Her family.
They were THE SAME but in the end the stress I was under pushed them away from me.

I'll write it again... I was like Joe Pesci in that scene in JFK before He gets murdered. My stress level was exactly the same as that for the first half of this year... the conclusion was easy... my Mum was trying to get me to KILL myself.

 

[terri*]

I guess I can jump in here both as a parent now, and a child of two very tormented souls when I was younger. Most of us can probably write books on the sick things that went on and the sick ways we were treated by our parents. Unfortunately there are times when sick parents pass sick things on to their children. Misty, I think it is great that you are breaking that cycle.

My life's decision was to overcome the sickness once I realised it was sick. I have a sister who has decided to stay in her sick place and pass it on to her children, via the torment and ills that both Misty and Ghost write about...and of course those that Janine has written in depth on.

I do think that even though the transgressions were horrible, once we learn the difference, we begin, we choose, either an ascent or descent in to our own state of living.

I sincerely hope that time, understanding and continued work on self will help you get past the horrid times. I hope if you are able to separate yourself from those that are the source of your pain that you can.

I realise trust is so very hard after these life experiences, but to live again is to trust again. I wish it for everyone that needs it.

My parent's are old now. I have been fortunate enough to bring myself to a right place in my head and deal with the past. In doing so, I have learned more about myself and them.

Hallmark moments...my best thoughts are to create your own with people you love. Work past your past and look forward to a future. You will be the one that creates it. Yes the sickness began, and for some continues, with your parents, but I believe that once you can verbally name it and claim it... moving past it is up to you.

My thoughts, my life experience, my childhood, my adulthood, my parenthood...all products of my past. Past being the definitive word.

It may not be fair, It may be hard to let go of, but letting go, understanding how it affected you and moving past it, is the only way to begin a step towards happiness. Repeated anger over the same thing is what puts all of us in to one state or another. Address it as quickly as possible and live.

There is life and hope and trust for us all.
Best wishes,
terri

 

[Misty]

Ghost, when I miss spell I don't mean it to be mean. I'm just a really bad speller. I can't spell worth sh**. Never can, and probley never will. That's one thing that drives my husband nuts. He has to spell everything correct and use proper gramer. Not me. but I don't be to be affending.

Terri...that story is only 1/3 of my life. There is so much more...and hench the reason I'm so screwed up. :roll:

 

[terri*]

Misty, I totally understand. None of us can tell the horrors of our lives in an 8x4 inch space. I mean, we can all start running numbers on who had it worse, but in the end where we are now...moving past it now, is what matters to you and your child, and me and mine. I do think that having age behind me has helped me deal with the rage. But then, as I stated, I have a sister that rages on. Same house, same parents, she was dealt with kid gloves because she was somehow different and yet...she still rages. I consider it her choice.

This is the place to vent, to try and be understood, to hopefully add something positive when we can.

 

[Guest]

Unfortunately there are times when sick parents pass sick things on to their children. Misty, I think it is great that you are breaking that cycle.
I do think that even though the transgressions were horrible, once we learn the difference, we begin, we choose, either an ascent or descent in to our own state of living.

I want to hurt people the way THEY hurt me. I want to laugh when someone feels how deep I'm touched, to the point their bleepin HEAD explodes
TAKE THAT! HarHar

When I was EXTREMILY traumatised this year, people on "help lines" etc etc etc etc Just screamed back. Hung up etc.
They were so AGGRESSIVE, GAME PLAYING, MANIPULATIVE, HURTFUL, DRAINING etc That I'll never be able to trust them again (Figure out WHY)

I was so fragile, so lost, so demented, so screwed... People just walk all over you, no apology... I'll never forget that. Doctors and therapists and HELP LINES are liars... They EXPECT a certain level of functioning or else they're not playing, they'll get authoritarian, deny you services... And it all smacks of LAZINESS AND COMMUNISM.

Bloody hell, mussollini is freakin' EVERYWHERE when you're down.

Yes the sickness began, and for some continues, with your parents, but I believe that once you can verbally name it and claim it... moving past it is up to you.

Verbally name it... I can write it.

I was a stupid brainless puppet who everyone HATED.

My Mum had "awareness" of Her behaviour yet continued to push me as far and as HARD as She could.

My Mum lost Her conscience when I left home because She was lying too hard, and too mean to DISCREDIT me and pressure me into a new form of Psychological HELL.
She disintergrated my goddamn HEAD.

My Mum is a manipulator, fake and now, most probably Sociopath.
She's... very very "mad".

I now know that my Mum was at the "helm" of severe Psychological damage inflicted on me for 21 years because She's Psychotic, and that She lost Her conscience from over-doing my "punishment" so now She's "out there".

So my past = Ghost = FREAK, LOSER, MIND-PUPPET, DICKHEAD.
My abuse was Psychotic Mother.

Anyone ever notice... that some people have no COMPASSION.

The stress injected into me WORRIES me... It's "rage"... nah... I call it "fury". Fury is like FIRE, it's emotional... Rage has a cerebral feel to it, I cant understand cerebral emotions...

My anger tis OK, I hate it... My stress is... uh...

And WHEN do I get my analytical dialogue back? How do you get that back? And when does the burning fire of panic that dictates all my decisions GO AWAY?

I'M SICK OF JUST LOOKING AT THE ROOM AND NOT HAVING ANY PEACE. I'M SICK OF ONLY HAVING EXTERNAL AWARENESS. Fuck it.

 

[Kerio]

Ghost,

I totally feel the same way. Sometimes I wish I was more hard-hearted because the people who step all over me and get into my head and make me feel horrible deserve the same kind of trauma - but they never do.

IT'S JUST SO F--ING UNFAIR!!!!

But I've walked past so many of these people in my life, they no longer matter.

However, I still feel sometimes that perhaps, I should rip off their f---ing heads and piss down the hole.

Then I remember I'm a martial artist and *this isn't allowed. Bleah. I just hate the fact that I'm conditioned by DP to be a bloody pacifist when everyone around me just minces around being total a-holes and accusing me of being one.