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I had Depersonalization Disorder for about 20 years, with episodes of severe Derealization, and I only found out I had DPD halfway through my recovery.
I developed Depersonalization Disorder when I was about 10. I can't remember exactly how and when it started, I think it was a gradual thing. I was definitely aware that I wasn't 'feeling real' anymore, but just accepted it as my reality, I think I was too young to realize that something had changed. I can't really remember much about that time, but in my early teens it started to distressed me. My cognitive process began to deteriorate rapidly. I couldn't read very well, as words and sentenced seemed meaningless and weird. I found it impossible to follow what the teacher was saying, and copying stuff from the blackboard. I eventually gave up on learning, as I was too ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I thought I'd lost my intelligence and that I was stupid. My social skills deteriorated, and my behavior became increasingly erratic and I lost a lot of friends. I was self-harming on a daily basis and was really depressed. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but looking back they were just attempts to test if I was real. Would I die if I was dead already?
I would get anxiety about everything. The whole process of school was stressful, meeting new people, changing classrooms, noisy kids around me. I purposely DP'd a lot at this time to disconnect myself from stressful situations, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself. I became school phobic and would pretend to be ill so I could stay at home. I had Depersonalized so often, that I was unable to come back from it. I knew that I'd done it, I knew that I'd switched off too many times and that it had become even more permanent, but I couldn't express or understand what was happening. My DPD became worse, I'd lie on my bed for hours wondering why I couldn't feel anything, trying to force me brain to reconnect to the world. The DPD had become my reality for so long that I just accepted it, I couldn't remember not feeling it, so I thought maybe I'd always felt like this and so did everyone else. I would wonder if I had died and become a ghost, if I was in a half-life, and all sorts of theories similar to the Matrix. Had I been disconnected by something external? Every time I was alone I would dwell on it, especially at night. I would dread going to bed as the depression and ruminating would be at it's worst, and I had insomnia. The problems with self-harm and depression got worse, and I was hospitalized. I would self-harm for a number of reasons, to punish myself, for control, to relieve stress and to test that I was real. Seeing the blood would prove that I was alive, and for me to feel something as I felt so numb. I lost the ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. The only way I could do this was cutting or acting out. I had this constant scream inside my head that I wished I could let out.
In my late teens I stupidly took cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms. This triggered Derealisation episodes which were really scary. I was also going through a lot of stress and arguments at home, was staring college, and I began to really lost my grip on reality. I would lose days, and suddenly wake up in a friends house not knowing how I'd got there, I believed that everyone I knew had been replaced, places seemed unfamiliar and scary. My phobia of being around people became worse and I left college, and I didn't see the point in doing my education as I was still having problems with learning.
Work was difficult as I couldn't concentrate or organize myself. My social skills were really bad at this stage and I hated talking to people. Relationships were impossible. I felt empty inside, and felt like a fraud pretending to be a normal person doing normal things, and that I was conning the person I was with, that they had no idea that I wasn't a real person. I couldn't feel love or any happiness from being with someone, I had major co-dependency issues and would look for anyone who could take the emptiness away. The relationship would always fall apart, because of my clingy behaviour, which would then make me feel worse about myself, and the DPD got worse.
I was constantly paranoid that people could tell I was detached, by the way I was talking and acted. I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying, I'd forget people and important things about them, and I was worried I was perceived as being rude. I wasn't assertive and would let people walk all over me, and trying anything to get people to like me. I had no personal boundaries, or no understanding of what behaviour I should and shouldn't tolerate.
I eventually lost control over my behaviour and what I was saying, my mood swings were getting worse and my behaviour more and more erratic. I was just living day to day, my anxiety was getting worse as was the DPD. By this time, I developed obsessive thoughts, panicking that I'd done inappropriate things and not realizing it, this then fed into my anxiety. I developed Pure-Obsessive thoughts, which constantly plagued me.
I eventually had a breakdown. I'd had a relationship breakdown, problems in work, my depression and OCD became unbearable. I had a severe Derealization episode, which ended with me trying to commit suicide. My rumination about death and reality drove me insane and I was hospitalized. I lost my job, my apartment and had to move home. I stayed in the Derealization episode for a few more years, with my rumination OCD with death and suicide taking a hold of me. Every day I'd wake up and think 'today I'm going to kill myself', I'd write a note, sort out my belongings, mentally prepare myself for death, then in the night I'd think 'ok I'll do it tomorrow'. I repeated this every day, stayed in this routine for about two years, by the end I was mentally exhausted.
I finally saw a psychologist, who diagnosed me with severe OCD, and that I wasn't psychotic. Within a few weeks my OCD began to ease up, and we began to talk about my family. It never occurred to me that anything was wrong with my parents, but we talked about the excessive physical punishment and controlling nature of their parenting. This really built up my confidence, but I stopped going to see him because of financial issues. I did more research into parenting styles, and got a better understanding of my parents and how their behaviour affected me. After a while, a lot of my behaviour made sense, the self-harm as a way of punishing myself, my insecurities, the way I saw myself.
I still had the DPD, but the Derealization had gone. I was starting to find things I enjoyed, got some hobbies and began to find myself a bit. I was still having mood swings and self-harming occasionally.
I was suffering from insomnia and had been put on sleeping pills and anti-psychotics to help me sleep. This made the DPD worse, so I decided to try Melatonin instead. And suddenly, I halfway 'woke up' from the DPD! I freaked out because I couldn't understand what was going on, I suddenly had some kind of empathy and I was starting to feel the world a bit. DPD had been my reality for so long, I had gotten used to it. The shock was so much, that it sent me into a Derealisation episode and had constant panic attacks and euphoric episodes. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.
I searched on the net, and eventually came across Depersonalization Disorder. I cried for ages, because finally I understood why I'd been feeling weird for all these years. I was still half in my DPD and in a Derealization episode. I read as much as I could, but couldn't understand it at all. I searched on you tube and found people talking about DPD. I got a DVD from Harris Harrington's programme which helped me out of the final stages of the DPD, and to understand why it happened to me. I was still having panic attacks and dealing with sad things from my childhood. I had no idea who I was, or what I liked, or what kind of person I was. Not having the DPD to protect me any more had left me raw. I really didn't mind having the panic attacks at all, at least I was feeling something!
My mood swings have gone because I'm not constantly anxious, I don't self-harm, my DPD has totally gone. Although I am struggling with Derealisation episodes, I think they are happening because I am still getting used to being 'real'. The episodes are only lasting a few hours, so I am able to cope with them. I have a totally stable sense of who I am, I feel like a real, complete person. I am finally enjoying life and I feel happy and alive. I never knew how to be happy, and now I do. I am an assertive person, I have all my memories back, I feel strong, my thoughts flow freely in my head and don't get trapped in an OCD loop, I can feel happiness and laugh a lot, I can connect with people, my social skills have improved, so has my concentration. About 90% of my OCD has gone, I don't ruminate any more. I don't care about the meaning of life any more, or why we are here, I really couldn't care less. I am totally centered and content, and comfortable in my own skin and know a 100% that I am a real person.
I developed Depersonalization Disorder when I was about 10. I can't remember exactly how and when it started, I think it was a gradual thing. I was definitely aware that I wasn't 'feeling real' anymore, but just accepted it as my reality, I think I was too young to realize that something had changed. I can't really remember much about that time, but in my early teens it started to distressed me. My cognitive process began to deteriorate rapidly. I couldn't read very well, as words and sentenced seemed meaningless and weird. I found it impossible to follow what the teacher was saying, and copying stuff from the blackboard. I eventually gave up on learning, as I was too ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I thought I'd lost my intelligence and that I was stupid. My social skills deteriorated, and my behavior became increasingly erratic and I lost a lot of friends. I was self-harming on a daily basis and was really depressed. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but looking back they were just attempts to test if I was real. Would I die if I was dead already?
I would get anxiety about everything. The whole process of school was stressful, meeting new people, changing classrooms, noisy kids around me. I purposely DP'd a lot at this time to disconnect myself from stressful situations, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself. I became school phobic and would pretend to be ill so I could stay at home. I had Depersonalized so often, that I was unable to come back from it. I knew that I'd done it, I knew that I'd switched off too many times and that it had become even more permanent, but I couldn't express or understand what was happening. My DPD became worse, I'd lie on my bed for hours wondering why I couldn't feel anything, trying to force me brain to reconnect to the world. The DPD had become my reality for so long that I just accepted it, I couldn't remember not feeling it, so I thought maybe I'd always felt like this and so did everyone else. I would wonder if I had died and become a ghost, if I was in a half-life, and all sorts of theories similar to the Matrix. Had I been disconnected by something external? Every time I was alone I would dwell on it, especially at night. I would dread going to bed as the depression and ruminating would be at it's worst, and I had insomnia. The problems with self-harm and depression got worse, and I was hospitalized. I would self-harm for a number of reasons, to punish myself, for control, to relieve stress and to test that I was real. Seeing the blood would prove that I was alive, and for me to feel something as I felt so numb. I lost the ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. The only way I could do this was cutting or acting out. I had this constant scream inside my head that I wished I could let out.
In my late teens I stupidly took cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms. This triggered Derealisation episodes which were really scary. I was also going through a lot of stress and arguments at home, was staring college, and I began to really lost my grip on reality. I would lose days, and suddenly wake up in a friends house not knowing how I'd got there, I believed that everyone I knew had been replaced, places seemed unfamiliar and scary. My phobia of being around people became worse and I left college, and I didn't see the point in doing my education as I was still having problems with learning.
Work was difficult as I couldn't concentrate or organize myself. My social skills were really bad at this stage and I hated talking to people. Relationships were impossible. I felt empty inside, and felt like a fraud pretending to be a normal person doing normal things, and that I was conning the person I was with, that they had no idea that I wasn't a real person. I couldn't feel love or any happiness from being with someone, I had major co-dependency issues and would look for anyone who could take the emptiness away. The relationship would always fall apart, because of my clingy behaviour, which would then make me feel worse about myself, and the DPD got worse.
I was constantly paranoid that people could tell I was detached, by the way I was talking and acted. I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying, I'd forget people and important things about them, and I was worried I was perceived as being rude. I wasn't assertive and would let people walk all over me, and trying anything to get people to like me. I had no personal boundaries, or no understanding of what behaviour I should and shouldn't tolerate.
I eventually lost control over my behaviour and what I was saying, my mood swings were getting worse and my behaviour more and more erratic. I was just living day to day, my anxiety was getting worse as was the DPD. By this time, I developed obsessive thoughts, panicking that I'd done inappropriate things and not realizing it, this then fed into my anxiety. I developed Pure-Obsessive thoughts, which constantly plagued me.
I eventually had a breakdown. I'd had a relationship breakdown, problems in work, my depression and OCD became unbearable. I had a severe Derealization episode, which ended with me trying to commit suicide. My rumination about death and reality drove me insane and I was hospitalized. I lost my job, my apartment and had to move home. I stayed in the Derealization episode for a few more years, with my rumination OCD with death and suicide taking a hold of me. Every day I'd wake up and think 'today I'm going to kill myself', I'd write a note, sort out my belongings, mentally prepare myself for death, then in the night I'd think 'ok I'll do it tomorrow'. I repeated this every day, stayed in this routine for about two years, by the end I was mentally exhausted.
I finally saw a psychologist, who diagnosed me with severe OCD, and that I wasn't psychotic. Within a few weeks my OCD began to ease up, and we began to talk about my family. It never occurred to me that anything was wrong with my parents, but we talked about the excessive physical punishment and controlling nature of their parenting. This really built up my confidence, but I stopped going to see him because of financial issues. I did more research into parenting styles, and got a better understanding of my parents and how their behaviour affected me. After a while, a lot of my behaviour made sense, the self-harm as a way of punishing myself, my insecurities, the way I saw myself.
I still had the DPD, but the Derealization had gone. I was starting to find things I enjoyed, got some hobbies and began to find myself a bit. I was still having mood swings and self-harming occasionally.
I was suffering from insomnia and had been put on sleeping pills and anti-psychotics to help me sleep. This made the DPD worse, so I decided to try Melatonin instead. And suddenly, I halfway 'woke up' from the DPD! I freaked out because I couldn't understand what was going on, I suddenly had some kind of empathy and I was starting to feel the world a bit. DPD had been my reality for so long, I had gotten used to it. The shock was so much, that it sent me into a Derealisation episode and had constant panic attacks and euphoric episodes. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.
I searched on the net, and eventually came across Depersonalization Disorder. I cried for ages, because finally I understood why I'd been feeling weird for all these years. I was still half in my DPD and in a Derealization episode. I read as much as I could, but couldn't understand it at all. I searched on you tube and found people talking about DPD. I got a DVD from Harris Harrington's programme which helped me out of the final stages of the DPD, and to understand why it happened to me. I was still having panic attacks and dealing with sad things from my childhood. I had no idea who I was, or what I liked, or what kind of person I was. Not having the DPD to protect me any more had left me raw. I really didn't mind having the panic attacks at all, at least I was feeling something!
My mood swings have gone because I'm not constantly anxious, I don't self-harm, my DPD has totally gone. Although I am struggling with Derealisation episodes, I think they are happening because I am still getting used to being 'real'. The episodes are only lasting a few hours, so I am able to cope with them. I have a totally stable sense of who I am, I feel like a real, complete person. I am finally enjoying life and I feel happy and alive. I never knew how to be happy, and now I do. I am an assertive person, I have all my memories back, I feel strong, my thoughts flow freely in my head and don't get trapped in an OCD loop, I can feel happiness and laugh a lot, I can connect with people, my social skills have improved, so has my concentration. About 90% of my OCD has gone, I don't ruminate any more. I don't care about the meaning of life any more, or why we are here, I really couldn't care less. I am totally centered and content, and comfortable in my own skin and know a 100% that I am a real person.
