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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all.

I wasn't hoping to avoid a thread like this, said I had joined in the hopes of meeting people who express similar symptoms as me and to either considerate or (ideally) to find a solution or at least some relief.

But things have just gotten to the paint where I cannot hide the true way that I feel anymore. I really don't know how long this has been going on for me...it's possible I've been depersonalized my entire life. Back in grade school I had no idea what, of anything, was even wrong with me. I seemed to be hypersensitive, ridiculously analytical, and "spaced-out" to varying degrees, and as a result, was very mIcy an existential thinker. But I got through it knowing that there are smart people in the world responsible for my upbringing--teachers, doctors, coaches, etc., who would notice my issues and bring attention to them. I wouldn't either be "fixed" or at least understand how to cope with life's better.

But I've learned first-hand that I can't count on anybody for help. Everyone brushed me off, called me a pussy, a worrry-wort, and attention-seeker, a perfectionist, or simply "depressed", etc. to this day they still say that, despite the fact that my brain feels like it is filled with broken glass,y body excuses this toxic odor and I wander around in a confused, aimless fog all day, everyday, talking to myself like some crazy person. I cannot interact with my surroundings at all, and it take so all my willpower everyday not to go running to the hospital, because they are useless. My arms barely have the strength to hold up my phone and type this to you now. Everything I hear from everybody just pierces my brain, both in a physical and an emotional sense. I cannot even make the walk up to the corner store most days, am deathly am terrified that I will one day be caught shoplifting due to my enormous brain fog. I even went to the hospital once with extreme swearing, dizziness, confusion and (TMI alert) bloody diarrhea, and the doctor there's told me I was just depressed. Depression? Causing me to bleed from my ass? What absurd nonsense.

Every moment of my life is filled with terror...a terror I can only dispel through constant staring at the television or some other pointless distraction. But it now feels like I'm just going to be distracting myself for the rest of my life.

And also, in order to keep my health insurance (which is useless for me anyways) I have to "work" several hours a month, and so I have to go into work tomorrow to perform this duty, though I cannot actually get work done due to my symptoms, so I just try tow not work myself up too much for three hours while I have no TV to dispel the horrible panic and disorientation I feel. I never get any sleep on nights before I have to go into work for this reason.

I don't think I have traditional DP, from everything I've read. I just want a glimmer of hope that something happens to relieve me of this torture, even if that something's is death.
 
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