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My Rant - Life in a Fog

443 Views 0 Replies 1 Participant Last post by  bpfighter
A little about me:

All my life I've been living in a mental cloud. I've always had difficulty thinking, concentrating, feeling and remembering everything from social activities to school and work. The best I can describe it is that I am in a prison that's called the mind. All these symptoms have left me a social outcast throughout my childhood years.

Being unable to feel, I was unable to connect to anyone on an emotional level. Having a blank mind, it was very difficult for me to follow and remember what people said. This caused me to be silent and appear to be very quiet since I couldn't follow conversations. I desperately wanted to say "Look, I really want to talk to you, but I can't understand what you are saying!! I can't remember what you just said 10 secs ago either!!". If that wasn't bad enough, school was torture. My short term / long term memory was extremely jacked up and I could never remember what happened 5 seconds ago, 1 day ago, 1 year ago, etc. People always say it's because nothing interested me. But that's not true! It doesn't matter how much I try to remember something, there's just a mental wall blocking me. Whenever they ask "Do you remember when ____?" I always draw a blank. You can't form friendships when you can't say anything. Even if you do make friends, you can't "feel" the connection with them so what's the point?

I've been on a journey and have spent thousands of dollars on medications, doctors and supplements. I've seen a dozen psychiatrists, and since I was diagnosed in college, have taken medications including Lithium, Seroquel, Lamictal, Zoloft, Strattera, and Abilify. I've been diagnosed as having Bipolar, but my symptoms extend beyond the mood swings I experienced. I couldn't settle for what I had. I had to find an answer. I decided to research nootropics in hopes that I could treat this disease. I would spend hours a day looking up reports on supplements/nootropics helping people with their mood, memory, etc and buy them hoping they would be the answer. I purchased one supplement at a time, hoping each one would be the answer. It was my source of hope. The hope for a cure. Since then I've been on an endless purchase spree. Yes they did help, but it was never enough.

I continue to hope that there will be better treatment. I know the only way people will become interested in finding a solution is by reading accounts like this. I hope and pray for this to happen. I am nearing the end of my supplement trials. I've tried so many already, I don't know what to try next. I hope one day there will be treatment for all of us. I hope that as neuroscience advances we will be able to do brain scans that can find in detail what's happening and treat the root of the problem.

I've gone far and now am better off than I am years ago. I can find my keys, my car, etc as my memory has improved tremendously. I can begin to feel, and I love it. Music begins to touch me. I start to feel the care that my friends and family tries to show me. I can follow conversations much better now. I'm currently taking Lamictal, Abilify, Ginkgo Biloba and Bacopa. But it's not enough. Now that I'm working, we have team meetings and I'm CONSTANTLY getting lost in the conversations. We have tasks to do, and I'm CONSTANTLY getting lost and forgetting. Yes I do take tons of notes, pay attention as much as I can, but I can only do so much. My mind just goes blank and I forget everything. But I'll just do my best. If it happens and I get fired, then so be it. At least I tried.

If you read this wall of text, then thank you.

TLDR: * I've suffered from memory issues, disconnection issues my whole life

  • These symptoms caused me social, academic, and work issues

  • I continue to hope for better treatment

  • I've improved a lot, and I'm currently taking medication/supplements to help cope with the problem, but it's not enough

//End of Rant
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