I think my panic attacks were a clarion call to face my worst fears.
I was depressed today (despite 250 mg of Zoloft) beyond endurance, or what I thought was beyond endurance. Zoloft handles the panic attacks, but not the depression.
I am sick -- probably both physically and psychologically.
I do not know what I have, but what I am taking now for it is not the right medicine or is the wrong dose. But then again, I'm not sure about that, and I'll tell you why.
I just spent the most excruciating 24 hours of my life. I seriously contemplated suicide, although I cannot do it, which made it all the more excruciating. I faced my worst fears and they made me want to die. Just die to escape.
Then, when I had no more tears left and was numb from the pain, it lifted. I felt more like myself. This could, of course, be the Zoloft. It's one week at 250 mg, so maybe that's it.
I hadn't been that depressed in 12 years, and I never before thought that dying was the only way to stop the pain. I thought that if I accepted the truth about myself -- that I am ugly and unlovable and doomed to a life of loneliness and misery and pain.
I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror all day -- I was afraid to confirm that I was indeed a monster. But when I had no tears left and didn't care whether I saw a monster or not, I did look in the mirror. There was no monster there. There was just me.
But I am sick. I think I have BDD.
So, my advice to you is face your worst fears and go through the absolute worst you can feel. That's what I was running from -- the truth of how I felt inside. Whether it's psychological or physical, our minds and bodies seem to have a wisdom that is quite beyond our understanding.
Feel your pain. As long as you repress it, you will be its prisoner. Let the pain come. Explore it. Feel its absolute depths. Good will come from it.
Your fear is telling you that you need to become aware of something that you don't want to become aware of. The way to rid yourself of the fear is to let it have its way with you. Let the tears come, let it all come, feel whatever is really there and you will heal.
This morning and all day long I did not believe that I could ever feel any differently than I did. All was lost, there was no hope, no love, nothing good in me or my life, and life wasn't worth living if I was going to be an ugly loser until the day I die.
I don't feel that way now, and no one is more surprised than me.
So, let yourself authentically feel whatever pain and sorrow and sadness you are afraid of feeling. All of these feelings must be expressed if we are to remain healthy.
Now maybe I'm totally wrong and you don't have any pain or sorrow or bad feelings about yourself that you are running from because to feel them is so bloody awful. Maybe I'm totally wrong. If that's the case, please excuse my rantings.
I hope you feel better soon.
I was depressed today (despite 250 mg of Zoloft) beyond endurance, or what I thought was beyond endurance. Zoloft handles the panic attacks, but not the depression.
I am sick -- probably both physically and psychologically.
I do not know what I have, but what I am taking now for it is not the right medicine or is the wrong dose. But then again, I'm not sure about that, and I'll tell you why.
I just spent the most excruciating 24 hours of my life. I seriously contemplated suicide, although I cannot do it, which made it all the more excruciating. I faced my worst fears and they made me want to die. Just die to escape.
Then, when I had no more tears left and was numb from the pain, it lifted. I felt more like myself. This could, of course, be the Zoloft. It's one week at 250 mg, so maybe that's it.
I hadn't been that depressed in 12 years, and I never before thought that dying was the only way to stop the pain. I thought that if I accepted the truth about myself -- that I am ugly and unlovable and doomed to a life of loneliness and misery and pain.
I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror all day -- I was afraid to confirm that I was indeed a monster. But when I had no tears left and didn't care whether I saw a monster or not, I did look in the mirror. There was no monster there. There was just me.
But I am sick. I think I have BDD.
So, my advice to you is face your worst fears and go through the absolute worst you can feel. That's what I was running from -- the truth of how I felt inside. Whether it's psychological or physical, our minds and bodies seem to have a wisdom that is quite beyond our understanding.
Feel your pain. As long as you repress it, you will be its prisoner. Let the pain come. Explore it. Feel its absolute depths. Good will come from it.
Your fear is telling you that you need to become aware of something that you don't want to become aware of. The way to rid yourself of the fear is to let it have its way with you. Let the tears come, let it all come, feel whatever is really there and you will heal.
This morning and all day long I did not believe that I could ever feel any differently than I did. All was lost, there was no hope, no love, nothing good in me or my life, and life wasn't worth living if I was going to be an ugly loser until the day I die.
I don't feel that way now, and no one is more surprised than me.
So, let yourself authentically feel whatever pain and sorrow and sadness you are afraid of feeling. All of these feelings must be expressed if we are to remain healthy.
Now maybe I'm totally wrong and you don't have any pain or sorrow or bad feelings about yourself that you are running from because to feel them is so bloody awful. Maybe I'm totally wrong. If that's the case, please excuse my rantings.
I hope you feel better soon.
