[Guest]

i am scared all the time, unless i am preoccupied for seconds at a time to react with other people. during the most difficult times of the day i lose myself, and panic sets in, all the techniques i know (breathing exercises, trying to feel more relaxed) are of no use because i have nothing to cling to. if i decide to feel the panic because i am bored with the dizziness, the panic immediately disappears and i am left with more detachment. i am detached all the time, but terribly when i am nervous, and thats when i need to be able to think. i feel as if i dont exist, i am willing myself to stay sane, when everything else inside my head wants me to go crazy, and leave completely. the question i pose is what will happen if i just stop trying to struggle with it anymore, and just let myself go (in a sense), let whatever is working these symptoms to appear...is insantiy possible, will i embarass myself, and freak out (panic)? or will it alleviate the symptoms quicker?

 

[Da'Burgh]

the question i pose is what will happen if i just stop trying to struggle with it anymore, and just let myself go (in a sense), let whatever is working these symptoms to appear...is insantiy possible, will i embarass myself, and freak out (panic)? or will it alleviate the symptoms quicker?

You need to let yourself go as you say. You will not go insane. The things you described are indeed your way out.

 

[rainboteers]

Let go if you can and you will be okay. I have been able to let go a few times and each time I did not go insane, I actually felt NORMAL. It is anxiety and fear that keeps us trapped. If you are able please let go. :wink:

 

[Shadow Cat]

Let go if you can and you will be okay. I have been able to let go a few times and each time I did not go insane, I actually felt NORMAL. It is anxiety and fear that keeps us trapped. If you are able please let go. :wink:

What do you guys mean by let go? Do you mean to just forget about it and stop worrying?

 

[Da'Burgh]

Yes, Shadow. Experience through your feelings and laugh in the face of fear. What's the worst that could happen? You get better?

 

[Guest]

the worst that could happen is the insanity that threatens...that your life will end. i am never feeling anything, except fear. i am always lost, and fall further and further. i know i am near the bottom, and i dont want to see what it looks like. i am tired of fighting and denying just to get through the day.i will not accept it anymore. i have had enough and it seems that if i accept that fact, entirely, i will achieve the sanity i desperately seek. fear and doubt have run the show for too long. i have lost all passions, and i know lifes joys exist somewhere. i am left with no other alternative of finding them than to let go, let what little self i have left be heard inside (the part that screams to regain control, to tell me when i am lost). everything else is inconsequential...i am terrified to try, but more terrified to let this go on any longer.

 

[Guest]

If you are scared to submit to the fear feelings & just go with them instead of analysing them, see a psychiatrist. They will explain what is happenign to your mind & body & may give you some pills to help you get thorugh this rough patch.

There is always help out there, always hope & you just have to take one day at a time. I know how awful you feel but reach out for help & you will get better.

 

[Sojourner]

I think my panic attacks were a clarion call to face my worst fears.

I was depressed today (despite 250 mg of Zoloft) beyond endurance, or what I thought was beyond endurance. Zoloft handles the panic attacks, but not the depression.

I am sick -- probably both physically and psychologically.

I do not know what I have, but what I am taking now for it is not the right medicine or is the wrong dose. But then again, I'm not sure about that, and I'll tell you why.

I just spent the most excruciating 24 hours of my life. I seriously contemplated suicide, although I cannot do it, which made it all the more excruciating. I faced my worst fears and they made me want to die. Just die to escape.

Then, when I had no more tears left and was numb from the pain, it lifted. I felt more like myself. This could, of course, be the Zoloft. It's one week at 250 mg, so maybe that's it.

I hadn't been that depressed in 12 years, and I never before thought that dying was the only way to stop the pain. I thought that if I accepted the truth about myself -- that I am ugly and unlovable and doomed to a life of loneliness and misery and pain.

I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror all day -- I was afraid to confirm that I was indeed a monster. But when I had no tears left and didn't care whether I saw a monster or not, I did look in the mirror. There was no monster there. There was just me.

But I am sick. I think I have BDD.

So, my advice to you is face your worst fears and go through the absolute worst you can feel. That's what I was running from -- the truth of how I felt inside. Whether it's psychological or physical, our minds and bodies seem to have a wisdom that is quite beyond our understanding.

Feel your pain. As long as you repress it, you will be its prisoner. Let the pain come. Explore it. Feel its absolute depths. Good will come from it.

Your fear is telling you that you need to become aware of something that you don't want to become aware of. The way to rid yourself of the fear is to let it have its way with you. Let the tears come, let it all come, feel whatever is really there and you will heal.

This morning and all day long I did not believe that I could ever feel any differently than I did. All was lost, there was no hope, no love, nothing good in me or my life, and life wasn't worth living if I was going to be an ugly loser until the day I die.

I don't feel that way now, and no one is more surprised than me.

So, let yourself authentically feel whatever pain and sorrow and sadness you are afraid of feeling. All of these feelings must be expressed if we are to remain healthy.

Now maybe I'm totally wrong and you don't have any pain or sorrow or bad feelings about yourself that you are running from because to feel them is so bloody awful. Maybe I'm totally wrong. If that's the case, please excuse my rantings.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[bright23]

Phishygirl8 ?

I agree with Charger that seeing a doctor and getting an evaluation is the key 1st step, that is if you haven't done that already.

Letting go, well yes. Once you start letting go, things feel even more intense at firtst, but then become a little lighter and less dense, and then soon after you realize you can let go a little more, and then life eventually comes along real harsh and you tighten up again, and then you can't stand the tightness anymore and you have to let go a bit deeper... this process continues on and off for the rest of your life.

Its called liberation. You can start it at any time, or you can stay where you are right now.

You can't go insane because the world is already insane. You're on the path to a deeper sanity than most because you are struggling to understand yourself. Take it easy, and take it slow.

Peace

 

[Martinelv]

Incredibly thought provoking post Sojourner, and immensely sad. I feel for you buddy, and Phishygirl8; you will not go 'insane'. You will not completely lose it. As the other responders have said, you are suffering from anxiety and depression, which is a terrible, terrible thing.

I know how you feel, my god, I know, but you must must must not allow yourself to be consumed by this. Do whatever it takes, except checking out of life, follow peoples advice, and ACT upon it. NOW.

 

[Ben]

the question i pose is what will happen if i just stop trying to struggle with it anymore, and just let myself go (in a sense), let whatever is working these symptoms to appear...is insantiy possible, will i embarass myself, and freak out (panic)? or will it alleviate the symptoms quicker?

Hey Phishy,

Letting go is actually the right thing to do; it's the "leap of faith" behind this disorder that keeps us OUT of the tight-circle we exist otherwise exist in (where we are constantly re-engaging ourselves in destructive patterns). Remember the scene from the third Indiana Jones where he is in the temple, staring at the vast chasm beneath him and has to literally step forward onto what seems to be nothingness? It's very much like this - you just have to acquire a bit of faith in yourself (if you're religious that means faith in your G/god(s), if you're not that means having faith in millions of years worth of evolution to not just let yourself "wack out" for no reason, or in modern medicine to help you out no matter what).

 

[Guest]

thank you all very much for your advice. i am going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow to help calm my nerves before i take this "leap of faith" in myself. If this works, i'll explain more thoroughly how i did it. all i do know is that the amount of courage it is going to entail is less than that which i produce everyday in "keeping myself sane". change terrifies me but this detachment does more. i need to feel and be real again. pinch my nose and hold my breath...i wish you all the very best.

 

[Sojourner]

Man, oh man, people are getting help in droves!

This is wonderful. Have you had a complete physical recently so as to rule out a physical cause? Some of these symptoms are also symptoms of thyroid problems, and there are others, too.

Best wishes and I look forward to hearing your report.