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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Im having a terrible time at the moment. My mum left my dad a week ago after being married to him for 35yrs. My father suffers from narissism and emotionally abused me and the rest of my family since childhood . He has treated my mum badly and is a very difficult man to live with.

Im confused as to why im feeling so sad and fearful for my father and why i insist on making it my responsibilty to try to help him through this.

My therapist thinks i should not have these feeling for him but i cant help it....i still love him and want him to be happy. I worry constantly about him even though it was him that caused the breakup by flying to the philipines to see another woman, but now it is him thats sad and alone and my mum that is happy and has found another man.

I hate that im involved in this mess but i just want to help him through it without getting myself hurt in the process.
 

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Cocofox,

I'm so sorry to hear your news.

Nobody -- least of all your therapist -- should tell you what you SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be feeling.

Once again, I take your words literally and it's quite sad to hear that a therapist would say such a thing to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hear we go again :?

Im always writing the wrong thing.

My therapist is surprised, i have these feelings for my father.... i am taking it in the sense that i possibly therefore should not have these feelings for him. I am thinking that i should be angery with him and not pity him.....although my therapist did say that he understands the father child attachment.

Does that make any sense....now im starting to confuse myself. :roll:
 

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Yes, tee hee, I get it. I almost wrote asking whether that was what he said. :lol:

Personally, I think it says volumes about you and your deepest nature that you still love your father. I hear that you hate the bad things he did and love the person for many other reasons (all of which are entirely valid and good). That's the healthiest point of view, IMO.

Your ability to hold conflicting feelings may well be something your therapist wants to work with to help you really see how healthy you really are underneath everything.

I think you need to explore your feelings about what the subtext of your therapist is saying to you -- with your therapist. I am quite sure he does not mean what you think, but rather feels much as I do.

Many people who have suffered what you have at the hands of a parent have only hatred -- much to their continued detriment. You are blessed by being able to hold ambiguous feelings. I think your therapist -- if he is really good at what he does -- wants you to realize that you have immense compassion --- and probably many other wonderful qualities.

Thanks for clarifying!

It's usually hard for people to do what you're doing -- admitting to both loving and hating a particular person. It's often the source of great internal conflict -- and maybe you feel some of that -- but it seems to me your therapist is just using this as a vehicle to help you explore what's really inside you. Saying he's surprised that you feel that way is an invitation to you to further express in words how you feel, which is the key to your complete recovery.

You're going to make it -- and I hope you return to a relationship with God. That relationship is like any other, and you seem to understand that relationships and feelings are very complex, so I do hope you return to the Lord, but perhaps without some of the earlier expectations that were unrealistic.

Best wishes always!
 

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"I'm not sure of the exact time period is involved with Hubbard, but "pinks and grays" might be a reference to the prescription painkiller Darvon, which I would need to take in the 1960s for menstrual cramps."

Sojourner...are others confused when they called you Mr. Sojourner or were you not refering to yourself in this part of a post you wrote? Just a little confused and wanted to be certain about things.

Thanks,
terri
 

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I am a Ms. Soj. ; ) When I said it before, I was just playing along with those who called me a "he" and I should have put it in quotes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sojourner wrote:
Many people who have suffered what you have at the hands of a parent have only hatred -- much to their continued detriment. You are blessed by being able to hold ambiguous feelings.
I see what you are saying sojourner but sometimes loving the person that has hurt you seems more like a curse than a blessing.

It would be much easier for me if i could hate him beacause then i wouldnt torcher myself over worrying about him.

Terri funny thing is i did think sojourner was Ms at first then somehow i got confused by on of her posts when someone called her Mr. so i then assumed she was a he.................but now thanks to you :) i now know my first assumption was correct, that he is actually a she.

Glad to get that cleared up. :wink:
 

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Cocofox said: "It would be much easier for me if i could hate him beacause then i wouldnt torcher myself over worrying about him."

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OK, I see what you are saying. When one is in therapy it's like a three-way conversation sometimes -- between your conscious mind, your unconscious mind, and your therapist's conscious (and unconscious) minds. It's just three participants because I consider your therapists' "minds" as a single entity -- "your therapist."

This is just my view, but as you talk about your feeling that "It would be much easier for me if i could hate him beacause then i wouldnt torcher myself over worrying about him" in therapy, the "trialog" (as opposed to "dialog") between the three of you will bring your conscious and your unconscious into greater harmony.

That is, right now your conscious mind says that you want to care less about your father because now you torture yourself worrying about him. Over time, you can make what your conscious mind really wants more like what your unconscious wants (or the reverse). You may find that you can continue to love him -- but without torturing yourself. This discovery would be what's sometimes called an "Aha! moment" when you see a way to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.
 
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I just wanted to let you know that I completely can understand what you are feeling. My father has been an alcoholic for years and although not physically abusive to my mother or his kids, he causes a lot of emotionally upset for the whole family. My mother has been married to him for 36 years and has had a right to leave him on so many occasions, but I have always worried about what would happen to him and how he would take care of himself although honestly I don't feel that he cares what would happen to his family if something were to happen to him on one of the many nights that he drives drunk. I just think that we have it in us to be very forgiving and accepting people. Please don't be so hard on yourself for being a thoughtful and caring person. I just wanted to let you know that I can completely relate on how you feel. Take care of yourself.
Kate
 

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"...honestly I don't feel that he cares what would happen to his family if something were to happen to him on one of the many nights that he drives drunk."

How about the innocent people he may kill? Does he not care about them? I would call the cops on him every single time I knew he was driving drunk to stop him from killing innocent people. Tell him if he wants to die he should do it by some other method.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sojourner says:
between the three of you will bring your conscious and your unconscious into greater harmony.


This is exactly what i strive for, to be able to find peace with my conscious and unconsious mind........if they both agreed then i think that i may have some peace of mind.

Why is this so difficult to achieve, is it because when we were young we were abused and therefore are minds didnt develop they way that they were supposed to.....in otherwords troubled minds. :?

How come other people can find themselves dealing with situations that would cause myself so much anxiety????? :?

To think otherwise in a situation like mine, would make me feel like a very bad, selfish and disloyal person. Is my conscious mind more suceptable ( sorry spelt wrong) :oops: to feelings of guilt????????

I feel guilty about almost everything that it sometimes is so overwhelming that i feel paralised by it.( wish they'd put a flippin spell check on the board). :lol:

Anyway Kate i totally understand your situation also.

Sojourner says:
How about the innocent people he may kill? Does he not care about them? I would call the cops on him every single time I knew he was driving drunk to stop him from killing innocent people. Tell him if he wants to die he should do it by some other method.


I think this is very easy for an outsider to say and its probably the advice i would give to a friend, but when its your family its very difficult to make these decisions.

No-one wants to see their family put in jail or even say such hurtful things to them. My partner says my mum should get a restraining order on my father as he is harassing her to come back and threatened to bust my door down the other night to find out where she was.........but its easy for him to say this as its not his father and therefore he feels no sense of love or attachment for him.

So you see of course it makes total sense to report your dad for drink driving as he is a danger to other people, and it would be the right thing to do and i sense you are aware of that but our hearts and out minds dont always agree with whats right...do they.
 

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Cocofox wrote: I think this is very easy for an outsider to say and its probably the advice i would give to a friend, but when its your family its very difficult to make these decisions.

It may be difficult, yes -- it's difficult -- but it's not impossible, and that's what the conscious mind has to do -- lead the "primitive, infantile unconscious" into doing what's right and take the upper hand. The unconscious mind has to be "parented," not coddled in its amoral attitudes. The unconscious mind has an attachment to Daddy, no matter how bad Daddy may be; but the unconscious cannot rule morally. You think we have world chaos now? If everybody listened to their unconscious and didn't use the strength of their conscious mind to rein in the infantile appetites and selfishness of the unconscious, this world would be even more chaotic than it already is. Alcoholics are ruled by their unconscious, infantile minds.


No-one wants to see their family put in jail or even say such hurtful things to them. My partner says my mum should get a restraining order on my father as he is harassing her to come back and threatened to bust my door down the other night to find out where she was.........but its easy for him to say this as its not his father and therefore he feels no sense of love or attachment for him.


If one really loves someone, doesn't one do what is best for that person?
 
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Directed to Sojourner,
I just would like you know that I am very sick of your written attacks on people when they try to express their feelings on different subject matter. Do you have to have an opinion on everything and if you do as you so well put it on another post try using that space between you ears before you post something. Do you have nothing better to do than insult people who come to this board trying to find the coping skills to deal with this disorder? You obviously are a very intelligent woman with a lot of insight on this disorder, and I won't deny you that but use some of that intelligence to truly try helping people instead of making them feel like s*#t. You make me not even want to post or respond to other posts on this board.
Kate
 
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I don't get you at all. You insulted me when I open up to another poster about my family situation. You tell me to tell my father if he wants to die to try another method. Do you think that there is a night that goes by that I don't pray to god that he doesn't hurt or kill somebody else on the road let alone himself. He is the soul supporter of my mother and also carries the insurance since my beloved mother has gotten seriously ill. Where would that leave her if she lost her insurance and only source of income if her daughter turned her father into the police. That is a risk I am not willing to take when it comes to my mom. You say that my father has an infantile brain so that is saying that everyone on this board who has tried drugs and/or still doing drugs fits into the same category. It is called addiction and some one such as yourself who claims to have such a high intelligence and understanding of mental disorders should understand that. If you can't see where you have insulted me believe me you have bigger issues than DP.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I feel so alone and anxious at the moment. I feel sick with worry for my dad............im spending most of every day in tears and im frightened of my depression returning........................my partner is so unsympathetic. I am so choked up with emotion and feel that i cant cope with this.
 

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WhereamI said:
I don't get you at all. You insulted me when I open up to another poster about my family situation. You tell me to tell my father if he wants to die to try another method.
I am so sorry that comment hurt you, WhereamI.

WhereamI said:
Do you think that there is a night that goes by that I don't pray to god that he doesn't hurt or kill somebody else on the road let alone himself. He is the soul supporter of my mother and also carries the insurance since my beloved mother has gotten seriously ill. Where would that leave her if she lost her insurance and only source of income if her daughter turned her father into the police. That is a risk I am not willing to take when it comes to my mom. You say that my father has an infantile brain so that is saying that everyone on this board who has tried drugs and/or still doing drugs fits into the same category. It is called addiction and some one such as yourself who claims to have such a high intelligence and understanding of mental disorders should understand that. If you can't see where you have insulted me believe me you have bigger issues than DP.
I commented only on alcoholics -- I said nothing of "addiction" and certainly didn't aim any of my comments at you personally. I can understand your feelings much better now that you have added details. Please remember that people are working with less than the entire picture of a situation here.

My anger was directed not at all at you but at your father. What right have I to be angry at him? Well, one cannot be human and not get angry at what people who post here report, now can one? And frankly, when I hear a report that someone knows someone is driving drunk and that person hasn't said anything to indicate having done something to prevent the other person from driving drunk, you might say I have a reaction. That reaction may include saying something about the implication that was made -- that "driving drunk" is something that is tolerated. I cannot NOT comment on that. But I was not attacking you. I am sorry that you thought I was.

Just for the record, I think everyone who posts here -- yes, everyone -- is a hero. But the same fear that causes the symptom we call DP sometimes makes people block out the very action that is necessary in a situation, and if we are not here to share ideas, support, and so forth, then nobody will be able to grow in the ability to cope. Unless you challenge me, how can I possibly even CONSIDER an alternate way of being or thinking? What I think I have to work on is perhaps my delivery, recognizing that this medium is well-known for its ability to distort intent. Maybe I should always add something that makes it clear that what I say is not intended as a criticism of the person to whom I am speaking. It is clear to me that I should have done that in the present case.
 

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We are obviously all very sensitive people, or we wouldn't be here. As such, I think we are more likely to be offended than the average joe. Add to that the fact that there is no tone, facial expression, or body language with the words expressed on this site, and you have the perfect formula for everybody to get offended by everybody else.
Why don't we all ask for clarification if someone says something we don't like rather than lashing out? I know I would feel better if someone told me they were offended by something, and gave me the opportunity to explain what I meant. Because I rarely mean to hurt anybody with the words I write. And I suspect that many others on this site feel the same. Just a suggestion....
 
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