I am a little scared to post my story but if there is anyone else out there like myself maybe you will benefit.
Once I was a very happy teenage boy. I had many friends and a very good social life. People used to tell me to become a stand up comic all the time. I was always very positive, drawing smiley faces everyware. This was back in the day, when life was worth living.
When I was 15 my father died whom I was very close to. I was forced to move in with my mother whom I did not get along with at all. I only moved about 15 miles away but my mother would never take me to see my grilfriend or friends. This was a constant argument. After a month or two went by my mom through me into a hospital. I got out and a month later I was landed in another hospital. The only reason my mom did this is because she didn't want me around. After the 2end hospital visit my mom threatened to put me into a groop home for unwanted kids. I took off and mooved into a drug house where all my frends were. I felt very depresed at this time. Wile living with my friends all I did from the time I woke to the time I sleep was smoke pot. Sometimes I would have a joint, 5ft bong and bowl all in my hands waiting to be pased around. In addition I was doing a lot of opium, LSD, Shrooms and anything else availible.
I was there for 2 months in wich time I lost my mind. Evey day I asked myself if I was still alive. Every moment was a nightmare. I was totaly tripping all the time. For some reason this feeling made me just want to do more drugs. I got to the point were I was so afraid of the tripping feeling and so paranoid of my friends that I had to leave. I moved back in with my mom. I broke up with my girlfriend. All I could do is sit in my room and cry
I lost everything and I knew I would never get it back. I tried to commit suicide daily. I have held a knife to my neck to many times to recall.
I stayed at rock bottom untill I turned 18 and I moved out on my own.
Sense then I have been trying to fit in with society. I havent been able to keep a job more than about 2 months at the longest. I have lived in many diffrent apartments because I always get kicked out for not paying rent.
I have been in two diffrent homeless shelters. I have traveled to at least 40 diffrent states trying to find my soal, my life, my death whatever.
I spent the last two years in Hawaii where I found a little enjoyment in life.
I just recently moved back to Ill (big mistake). I currently live with my mom again after all these years. For 8 years I put in all my energy and effert just to try to live a normal life. After all this I end up right where I started, what the hell. I am planning on giving life another go just as soon as I get my nerve back though.
I have had many symptoms over the years including.
anxiety, fear, tripped out unreal fealing, time lapses, confusion, disorentation, eye twitchs, headachs, neck spasims, total blankness in conversation that can cause a hellish fear and paranoia and many others problems.
While all this has been going on I have been haveing bible studys with Jehovah's Witnesses. I have prayed and prayed just that my illness would go away enough to get baptized. That hasent happened yet, and I don't know when it will.
If a Witness reads this post contact me at [email protected]
I need to study with someone that understands my condition.
sorry to rant everyone.