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Hello to everyone, I'm a French boy who's "suffering" from panic attacks and obviously derealisation since 2009.
It's my 1st post on here, a way for me to spit out what's inside and what's haunting me and maybe help others.

All started one summer, I was 16yo,I had hard times at school : during the year, nearly got stabbed twice for my phone / iPod, having a huge pressure about my school results from my parents and other little things ..
My friends and I decided to go to a free concert but honestly that was just a thing to go and smoke weed.
The night was starting great, we had fun, laughing, high and stuff but saddly we got controlled by the police, luckily they didn't find anythng and told us to leave the place where we were standing cause apparently we were not allowed to sit there ( we were hidden to smoke ).
On the road, a guy asked us if we needed more stuff to smoke, we said yes and we went away.
Back to our friend's flat, we were 5 guys and we smoked. We didn't smoke that much to be honest, we were young, no money that much, weed is expensive .. but still we managed to smoke like 5-6 joints.
The last and the most destroying one got me weird. All the sudden I was feeling out of my body, with a weird vision, weird light being too much hard for my eyes to handle, no instant memory, like I was all the sudden suffering from amenesia when I was trying to remember what I've said in the last seconds I was talking..
Took me like an hour to eat a lollipop and I was really going insane. In my head I was like " what the fuck did I just say, how did I say it?" everything was too much spinning, got too much confused and that totally broke me down.
I went to sleep, I couldn't bare anymore this panic attack / psychosis..
The next day, I was feeling really really foggy and drowsy, a lot of nauseas without even vomiting.. A really weird day..

The next days were better until one day, a Tuesday, in Maths Class. Suddenly I had a BIG BIG ball my in my throat, feeling dizzy, my heart racing, shaking and seeing everything around me blurry.. I left the room and went to the sick room thinking it was only something I didn't digested well..
The woman looked at me and gave me a thing to help my stomach getting better but it has never worked... I felt asleep there and woke up with my dad taking me back to the house.
That signed the beginning of what will be my every day hell.
The next 2 years of school, I needed to come home everyday, I was feeling sick in class, feeling so away, impossible to answer properly to the teatchers, impossible to spend time in noisy places, my mind getting too much confused and still this weird vision like in 16/9 cinematic mod ON with a lot of "points" flying in my eyes.
I managed my graduations ( weirdly and luckily ) and spent my life (until now) thinking " oh well I have panic attacks, I'm just someone kind of anxious but nevermind it will go", obviously as you can can see, this feeling has never been gone.
In 2015, I've been through a really hard time, lost my grand father, being in Paris's attacks,having the worse feeling of faintness ever with pains around the heart, in my back, in my head... caused only by stress and a BIG lack of sleep. Added to the basket, the girlfriend I was with left me for another guy after 2 years of being together and living with each other.
I've spent 2016 having strong fears of dieing every day of a heart attack, checking everytime my heart rate, feeling every more under DR which sometimes made my eyes "twist" and being impossible to focus properly on what I was doing.

Talking more in depth about my DR, here are my symptoms : weird vision with blur and points, harsh lights, sometimes feeling impossible to focus in any way, feeling everything is like a "dream / nightmare ", I don't feel much feelings,
getting social phobia (stomach pains, nause and feeling my head getting heavier ), also scared of how people can see me and how they judge me. Like when I'm with my friends, sometimes I'm fully away out of my mind, seeing through that wall which is my "bubble"
and making me feel I'm socially handicaped... I also feel tired everytime even if I sleep my 8-9-10 hours needed and sometimes with pain in the muscles.. Noises are making me become more nervous and I can barely make music now cause of this...

Nowadays, I'm recovering still, my dieing fears have went away, sometimes they come back but in general, they have left me. Decided to go and see a psychologist to help me with a therapy (drug-free)
Things have greatly evolved and I'm feeling more and more close to that point that DR will go away forever.
Writing those lines makes me want to cry to be honest cause I'd never thought I'd say this one day.
I've tried many many things to help me out, Xanax (alprazolam) like a drug addict 10 a day, all vitamins, saint john's worth and other plants and chemical.
I've always refused to go on antidepressant.
The most interesting thing I've tried so far is L-theanine which is making me be a bit more focused when I take the right dose, otherwise It makes me worse.. (250mg a day is enough for me )
I'd like to try 5-htp but I'm scared about it... I'm scared this thing could turn me mad and I'd like to have some feedbacks with it as I have a bottle of 200mg caps here.

My life and I have changed since those last years, I've been working on myself a lot, getting to know what are my needs, how to respect myself but not letting others using me and dropping me away ( As I was considered as someone "very kind" )
I've started doing sports, photography, trying to stop bad things like words and ideas from my mind. I do feel better now and more self-confident, feeling stronger, put on weight ( I was too thin IMO ).
Sports and activities usually increase my DR but in a certain way, I feel better in the same time, thinking that dopamine is not where I have some lacks but more serotonine oriented.

What do you think all about 5-htp, is it dangerous ? Could I turn mad in one take ? Would l-theanine and 5-htp be a great combo ?
Also never forget that a good talk therapy or a cognitive one can work on DPDR.

Thanks for reading.
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