Hello to whoever reads this!
I'm 24 years old, and I am from Norway. I thought I'd share my story. I think mostly to help myself.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. My psych actually calls it by its less common name Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder. Which sounds pretty terrible, if you ask me.
Ever since I was little, I've always felt different from everyone else. I always envied kids who just seemed to have it so easy - so I started beating myself up for it. The non-stop thought spirals of not belonging, not being enough and not knowing who I am or my purpose started. The sad part is that no one ever noticed. As far as my BPD goes, I never really sought attention, or was violent or anything. I harmed myself, but never physically. I would just travel down the thought spiral of self-hate which did lots of internal damage, and has caused serious anxiety.
As I grew older, the detachment from society became really big. You know in Superman, when Clark Kent flies out in space and just lingers as he listens for peoples cries for help? It was sort of like that, but instead of cries for help it was my voice just tearing myself down.
So my treatment started after some pretty awful events that went down in college.
It all started in my appartment, where I lived with three friends of mine. Well I kinda was in love with one of them. (We had history, which ended pretty bad. But I told myself we could still be friends, and moved in with him. Awesome move, past-self.) So one of my roomies had scored some Xanax. So as college kids do, we wanted to try them. So we did. After about 15 minutes, I totally blacked out. I remember absolutely nothing. So when I finally come to myself, I am in the bathroom in the tub with this knife, right? And one of my friends (not the one I was in love with) bursts in and he's like what are you doing? So I just went to bed - still pretty confused.
When I woke up the next day in the evening, I found lots of "how to kill yourself" tabs in my browser. And I just broke down. I told the friend that found me about this, and that I think that there may be something wrong with me. And his reply was cold as ice: "I don't believe in mental illnesses. There is only weakness." Which really killed me inside. I never felt so low in my entire life. So I decided to go home. When I came back to Norway I was immediately checked in to this hospital at the closed-mental section where I was on suicide watch for 24 hours.
Now I was completely depressed and detached. I had moved home to my parents house, and not even finished college. I stopped going outside. I just slept, ate, and felt awful. I started to see a psych and got diagnosed BPD.
After this I started being a little social again, and got a job. After this came the summer, which always helps a little bit. For a couple of weeks I actually felt pretty good.
It's winter now. In Norway the winter gets really really dark because we're so close to the arctic circle - so I get reaaaal depressed. It's been such a terrible fall, so I started taking Lamictal.
I really need Lamictal to help, guys. I'd give anything to not feel alone.
If you are in the same situation as me, I hope this made you feel less alone. Please share your stories, I'd love to know I'm not the only one.
Peace,
North
I'm 24 years old, and I am from Norway. I thought I'd share my story. I think mostly to help myself.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. My psych actually calls it by its less common name Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder. Which sounds pretty terrible, if you ask me.
Ever since I was little, I've always felt different from everyone else. I always envied kids who just seemed to have it so easy - so I started beating myself up for it. The non-stop thought spirals of not belonging, not being enough and not knowing who I am or my purpose started. The sad part is that no one ever noticed. As far as my BPD goes, I never really sought attention, or was violent or anything. I harmed myself, but never physically. I would just travel down the thought spiral of self-hate which did lots of internal damage, and has caused serious anxiety.
As I grew older, the detachment from society became really big. You know in Superman, when Clark Kent flies out in space and just lingers as he listens for peoples cries for help? It was sort of like that, but instead of cries for help it was my voice just tearing myself down.
So my treatment started after some pretty awful events that went down in college.
It all started in my appartment, where I lived with three friends of mine. Well I kinda was in love with one of them. (We had history, which ended pretty bad. But I told myself we could still be friends, and moved in with him. Awesome move, past-self.) So one of my roomies had scored some Xanax. So as college kids do, we wanted to try them. So we did. After about 15 minutes, I totally blacked out. I remember absolutely nothing. So when I finally come to myself, I am in the bathroom in the tub with this knife, right? And one of my friends (not the one I was in love with) bursts in and he's like what are you doing? So I just went to bed - still pretty confused.
When I woke up the next day in the evening, I found lots of "how to kill yourself" tabs in my browser. And I just broke down. I told the friend that found me about this, and that I think that there may be something wrong with me. And his reply was cold as ice: "I don't believe in mental illnesses. There is only weakness." Which really killed me inside. I never felt so low in my entire life. So I decided to go home. When I came back to Norway I was immediately checked in to this hospital at the closed-mental section where I was on suicide watch for 24 hours.
Now I was completely depressed and detached. I had moved home to my parents house, and not even finished college. I stopped going outside. I just slept, ate, and felt awful. I started to see a psych and got diagnosed BPD.
After this I started being a little social again, and got a job. After this came the summer, which always helps a little bit. For a couple of weeks I actually felt pretty good.
It's winter now. In Norway the winter gets really really dark because we're so close to the arctic circle - so I get reaaaal depressed. It's been such a terrible fall, so I started taking Lamictal.
I really need Lamictal to help, guys. I'd give anything to not feel alone.
If you are in the same situation as me, I hope this made you feel less alone. Please share your stories, I'd love to know I'm not the only one.
Peace,
North
