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Greetings.

I'm 14 years old, I have been suffering from Depersonalization for about 3-5 years, the reason why I can't say for sure how many years is that the disorder was only there when I went to summer camps as a kid, I didn't like them alot. This one time I got a panic attack when I was on summer vacation in an another country, I was just watching a movie when I started to realize that this is me watching and I couldn't stop the feeling that I freaked out a little, I immediately told my parents how I'm feeling and they thought It's just because I'm tired and so I believed them. The next day that feeling came back except I wasn't scared or anxious at all, I assumed it to be there because I missed home or something. After a week my family and I came back home and I felt happier than ever, plus the feeling stopped and I left it at that. During the next year at school I was totally fine, but there was this new guy who came to my school, he was older but he happened to come into my class and be there for a year. I became friends with him and he once bought an energy drink, I remember drinking it and becoming heavily active after that, but no panic attacks no nothing. Then a couple weeks later I felt uncomfortable in P.E, having to wait so long and slowly forgetting where I am, but I really didn't mind it at all.
After that year at school there was another summer vacation, I felt so relaxed and happy to slowly let everything go. But then a couple days later I went outside with my friends, played around and when we were resting I started feeling the exact same way as I did before - I recognised the panic attack and started panicking and being anxious, not feeling like myself, I immediately went home and on my way I was getting these thoughts like "What if life isn't real" and so on, I tried to feel optimistic so this would stop, maybe hum a tune or something in my head but nothing helped, I thought the world was crashing down. When I got back home I washed my face trying to wake up from this nightmare, I started crying, thinking nobody would understand this feeling and that it will never end. My parents got worried and checked my pulse, it was amazingly high. We just decided to watch tv and that was that. The next day I wanted to laught it off what happened the previous day, but this time I was anxious, I was afraid to leave home. But my family tried to bring me outside anyway they can so I would cheer up. Now I became a little homesick, didn't like to visit other people because I was scared of getting another panic attack. When I went to school after my summer vacation I still had that feeling and I grew close to my home, I was scared of failing my classes. Now a couple years have passed to now, the present. It wasn't so bad, but there was this thing (Don't want to talk about it) that made me terrified of my parents divorcing, when I heard my parents talking about divorcing I immediately clenched my fist, being scared that this is reality and this is how life is going to be, luckily they didn't but I was still scared, but it all went away now.
A couple months ago I got sick on monday and I didn't want to go to school because it felt so bad and I thought that I would get a panic attack but I still had to, It wasn't pleasant at all, On tuesday after school though I really had a bad temperature and going on wednesday would've been a question, I didn't know if I should or shouldn't do my homework so I became stressed about it because I had alot of tests and presentations due wednesday, I thought alot and eventually got a panic attack, a bad one since I haven't had one in a while. A panic attack at home? Where else am I safe then? I just got relieved I wasn't gonna go to school the next day and just wanted to sleep it off, I hoped that it would be a good week off school, I was wrong, I didn't feel safe at my own home. Once my week off ended I went to school and I sort of got scared and excited because my best friend was gonna come over to do a project, I ended up feeling detached from my body, but I wasn't panicking. The day after that it felt like a long day at school since I got the feeling just when I was on my first class (there were seven in total), but I got used to it and eventually went through the day. I also go to art school to take piano lessons, so when I sometimes have to go by bus instead of by car I get a little nervous. Right now I'm on my winter vacation from school and the last week of school felt really bad and I felt detached. Now I get anxious at home but not that much because I'm more scared of these life thoughts, I put my life into video games so much that I don't even feel that life is that serious, it feels like a video game but the thought it sort of scary and I don't know if these games made me dumber and more "not-used" to life anymore, like I look at life after playing a game right now and see that It's so empty and blank, without "health bars", It sounds dumb I know but when I'm used to playing games with my mouse and keyboard, I feel weird controlling my hand in life and controlling myself. I just feel trapped in life and the only escape from this is either suicide or going to bed and sleeping, but then waking up to this nightmare called "Life".

P.S I haven't contacted a doctor or a therapist and I haven't took any meds. I sleep well and get atleast 8-9 hours of sleep.

I'm sorry for writing this essay, but I needed to write this all down. Any help or tips would be appreciated, thanks!
 

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Get your thyroid checked. Ive veen suffering for 13 years and when it was at its worst i went to a mental hospital. That did my bloodwork and said my thyroid was so low that i couldve died from kidney failure. I spent 3 years practically hiding in my moms apartment because laying down and watching TV was the only way to take my mind off of all these thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings that you described.
Do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you are real buddy. Take an ice bath. That will remind you REALLY quickly that this is the real deal lol. Have someone whip you in back with a wet towel.
Your joy, your pain, your thoughts, your feelings. They are real my friend. Now stop playing video games and go flirt with girls at the mall. Nothing reminds of yoir reality like awkward rejection haha
 
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