[Akimbo Shibir]

Trigger warning: mention of suicide

This has been something that’s been bothering me for years as time has been progressing, more recently I seriously feel as if I am a shitty person as I am just another number as I do not matter in the end none of this matters in the end, I have came content with that… but rather I feel the struggle as I cannot express how I am feeling due to this era’s limitations, like I feel limitations I have been feeling like my peers and friends think that I am insane most of them or they think I’m weird or they look down on me in a particular like I’m like that’s okay but for some reason all of this bothers me I feel like everyone thinks I’m a idiot or a weirdo and it’s a matter of time before everyone cuts me off or goes there ways people think I am a idiot I feel I’m 19 about to be 20 in June , it feels as if I am behind, the death of my dog a few months ago had really put me in a sense of despair as stupid as something might sound relationship issues deaths etc have amplified this feeling that’s feels very odd…it feels as almost I am just going through motions sometimes other moments I’m here but it feels as if I am just watching and conscious and reacting and seeing just everyone’s impulses and moments have felt rather odd as time went on it felt unbearable to listen to certain music as they felt corny same goes along with television I’ve struggled to sit down and watch I feel the need to be engaged in something as usually I’m skateboarding am a very avid skater and sponsored and what not I’m very passionate about skateboarding and music and art
But overall sometimes i feel very empty as I suck at life and I. Suck at what I do and I just suck as a person it’s a horrible feeling I feel very dumb a lot of the time or just don’t say much or anything at all sometimes I just listen I have a problem with looking people in the eyes like I will feel nervous . I’ve struggled with this feeling where I’ll be at a function or hang out or whatever nothing feels real I feel disconnect and to myself or stay silent in a lot of events or feel as everyone around me thinks I’m weird or crazy or something I’m always feeling like people In the end just think I’m a weird idiot
I had just went to the mental hospital cause I tried to hang myself I’ve tried to kill myself on numerous occasions all of this and this life feels rather conflicting I can be replaced I’m not anything in the end i feel like a idiot a fool I feel ugly I have called suicide hotline ,had therapists , never took meds besides Ritalin and adderall I have felt heavy emotional distress and pain and I feel cause of how deep it is I don’t have the energy to explain it so therefore people do not understand but they all say they’re here but I often feel when I am explaining what is going on as I am a burden or something adding onto their problems my head messes with me and makes me feel like I am just another fuck up i am still in hs I feel like a fuck up im still in cause my friend died it hurt me really bad then took a break from high school then started taking skateboarding seriously and competed skateboarding saved me from killing myself on numerous occasions I found I truly enjoy it but I do have this part of me that struggles with getting a grip it drives me to wanting to commit suicide and end it …
Now that I am injured from skating I gotta take a break so I can heal from surgery slot of life right now feels scripted ,pattern and insanity and everyone losing their minds I feel like nobody actually listens to what I’m saying every and that’s okay I guess but it hurts I feel like a failure as my peers have graduated and went on while I’m still trying to finish school but it is rather hard since depression and suicidal thoughts apart of me feels like why does any of this matter and how I am a pussy I could kill myself right now if I wanted to but I’m putting it off till either April or May but a lot of what I’ve been facing hasn’t been feeling real or as if this is a dream or as if I have no escape as I am trapped as I am fucked I am crazy I feel… I know if I kill myself oh well I wanted it so I did it … everything will go on it’s just a world without me in it lol not much will change or anything

these are things that have been driving me to make the decision to just kill myself nothing has been feeling right for the longest I’m feeling misery I have gotten off of social media I tend to delete them and activate them back after a few days but sometimes it’s out of my impulse and suicidal thoughts I am found sometimes with a feeling of nobody to talk to … as they have their own issues and lives so I don’t bother anyone I don’t like to bother
There’s so much more I have to say but I have no energy to keep typing on but it’s all overwhelming I often feel a sense of social rejection and it saddens me…
It’s like I’m just in a passenger’s seat watching shit happen things rather leave me in a state of pain it becomes overwhelming to where I just wanna die nothing else my school preformace has been shit It’s like nobody understands what the fuck is going on or it’s they’re job and limitations I’ve been missing day where I just lay in bed or just smoke to calm down cause weed usually mellows me out but overall life has been feeling like I’m nothing so why not end it ?
In the end I feel like my friends and parents just won’t understand until it’s too late or will never understand my thoughts I feel detached very often and as most do not understand nor can comprehend it’s frustrating it drives me insane to the point I hang myself

 

[Trith]

Wow, I know it may sound stupid but I mostly want to say "don't do it". Strong emotions, and especially feelings related to a sense of identity, feel like they must be eternal. You can see how people with DPDR are all afraid they will be stuck in this forever, but you never fear you are going to have the flu forever when you are sick. There is something special about these sensations that make us feel it's not that we are having a bad time, but just that we understood something fundamental about life and we can't unlearn it. People who are depressed don't say that they don't feel empathy with people, they say that they understood that human relationships are futile. I have a mood disorder, and it was terrible between 15 and 25 and then started to get better. But I had this thing where I would have mood swings that would last just a few days sometimes, and when I was low I thought the world was shit and so was I, and my thing was to believe nobody would ever love me, and then when I was high I thought I understood everything and made big projects about everything, and I thought life was great. But the weird thing is that every time I was high and every time I was low, on some level I was convinced it would never change again, that I had understood something about life that made it shitty/great and that from now on I would live on hell/heaven on earth (The truth is, that heaven never was heaven, because it was a maniac heaven and wasn't really happiness, but that's an other topic). And I changed from high to low and from low to high probably more than a hundred times and eventhough I knew factually that it would not last forever it really really felt like it would. But it's all an illusion. A really big illusion. And I don't think it's just me and my bipolar, but it is true for many strong emotions and especially for depression. But it's just an illusion, and it would be the worst thing to lose life to an illusion of timing. The suffering itself is definitely not an illusion, but the fact that it can't change definitely is. What I am today has nothing to do with the hell I was in during my early 20's (I'm finishing my 30's).
But you talk a lot about not being understood, and that resonates with me. This is something that is quite strong for me. To the point where it could freak me out to have thoughts that I would not be able to explain to anyone. What I think today is that there is nothing wrong with my thoughts and nothing wrong with other people. I believe I have been lacking a sense of self and a relationship to myself, so that I could not give myself validation. Normally people are content with their own opinion about their own thoughts, and some people are absolutely content with not being able to share those things forever, they just enjoy their own mind by themselves. But the problem with my bad sense of self is that some of my thoughts have zero audience. No one can validate them and not even myself. But people who don't have that problem seem to be able to validate their own thoughts and be a good audience to their own thoughts. Do you relate to some of that? In my worst days I felt like a foreigner to myself and this was the worst sensation ever, I thought I could not live more than two weeks like that some times. But it did go away. I thought I had lost myself but I never did, this was just the illusion I was talking about. Now I found it more and it's a weird self but a self nonetheless and I like it. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD as well, which might explain some weirdness, but I get more and more comfortable with it and I am more able to accept that sometimes people are out of their minds when they don't understand some (sometimes simple) things about the human mind, or my human mind, and I am more content with my own opinion about it, and I can say "f*ck them" in my mind sometimes (in a friendly way, because most of them are still my friends for many of their good qualities) as long as I know the truth.
One thing that helped me was to write down how I felt, in the most un-structured way, something that is really with my words, so that it's really my guts speaking, and sometimes it gave me a big release. It was sometimes weird how drastic the before/after was. I had the impression people who read that would understand me (even if I never had to show it to anyone). Or playing music sometimes helps me too. When playing guitar, sometimes just two very dissonant chords sound like the craziness I feel inside and it speaks to me (eventhough I am an absolute beginner), it's like I can materialize that craziness and make it happen, and it gives me a big release of that horrible tension. Mostly what helps me is to be my own audience, but that takes some time to develop. I believe a lot of it comes from not getting support from my mother, and actually from both my parents. Usually children emulate on themselves the relationship their parents had with them. And my mother was very dismissive and I believe that I could not learn to have a proper relationship to myself and my emotions. She would never support or validate my emotions, and it's like I have never properly learned to do it with myself and I am only learning it as an adult.

 

[Aaron46589]

Yo brother, if you want someone to talk to you can direct message me on here and that goes to any other member on this forum.
Stay strong bro keep fighting and never give up!