Hello all. First post so go easy on me. (21 year old male)
Back Story:
I've always had anxiety ever since I can remember. I remember how I was when I was little. Always overthinking, always worrying especially at night. Fast forward to my teenage years i learned to cope with anxiety a lot better but still had isssues with it. It kept me from doing lots of things. Around age 14/15 my parents got a divorce. It was tough and I acted out. Eventually I came to terms that it was for the better and started to progress and mature with my anxiety/depression as I got older. I got off meds, because they made me feel worse (numb and fake feeling). I told myself I would get better without them, I didn't like the fact that something was altering me and my brain. I wanted to know that if I did get better and do things that I couldn't before, it was all me. Not some pill. So around age 16 I stopped meds.
I am now 21 and have made huge progress in my anxiety area WITHOUT MEDS. Well, atleast that's what I though. I was doing so good, hardly any panic attacks. I would only get nervous about normal things that most people would. Around October of last year I started getting really stressed. There were some of the regular stressers, like finding a job, if I should go back to school, basically my life plan. I was kinda being pressured a bit by my parents to get my life started. But there was one huge stresser... my girlfriend. I had been dating her on and off for 3 years. Lately it had been super rough. We've had all sorts of fights leading me to have anger outbursts which I hadn't had in years. It was causing me so much stress. When we argued I literally could feel my neck tensing up. Now I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy. I play hockey I do manual labor for work. But it got to the point in these arguments that I would just burst out in tears. I felt hopeless. Like there was nothing I could do. I loved her but she was essentially ruining my life. I wanted to kick her out and move back home but my pride would let me. Eventually I said screw it, kicked her out and was blessed to have my parents help me with rent. I initially felt better. I was hanging out with friends, meeting different people. I though I had finally gotten over the stressful burden. Until one night, I was out with the boys. We were just chilling hanging out. I had been really nervous that day for some reason. We went downtown that night. And the whole time we were there (3 hours) I was in a constant state of anxiety. We finally left and on the way home I felt weird. I didn't know what was going on. After i got home i still felt very weird and couldn't shake it. Usally my anxiety would vanish when I got back to a "safe place." I figured I should eat something, maybe my sugar was low. Went to the store and grabbed some cereal. The feeling got worse and worse. I got back to the car after leaving the store and had a full blown panic attack worse than I ever have had. I called my dad and rushed to his house. That's when it all started.
DP Journey:
My life had turned into hell. The next morning I felt off. Just distant from everything. Not able to feel. It was so weird and I obsessed over it. I researched and researched and found there was no "cure" and I might have it forever. Then I panicked more. I was a mess Thanksigiving and Christmas were a blur and I felt horrible. I couldn't enjoy things anymore. I was having panic attacks every day where the DP/DR would get even worse. This was my life now. Eventually upon reading recovery story's on here and elsewhere i tried to take the advice to just forget it. To have a idgaf attitude. It's been hard. I still notice it for sure but I have made progress. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in about 3weeks. I mainly get up and just feel bleh, like I have no energy. I still feel disconnected but maybe it's not as bad. I am able to drive and get out of the house. Maybe I have gotten used to it. I don't know. I kinda have like this foggy head still, kinda like a pressure around my forehead and eyes. I still struggle everyday with the thought that I might not ever get back to my old self. I might not ever recover. That is scary to me. I guess I'm just scared if i am recovering or not. I scared about not being able to be 100% if am I fully recovered if I do get that far. Maybe I just experience DP/DR during the panic attack and I obsessed over it and now I'm in a constant state of hyper awareness. These are the thoughts that run through my mind daily and I feel as if I have no answers.
I would like to here from you guys. I know many of you are experienced and recovered. How does it feel? Do you really truly recover or just slowly forget about it? Does the brain fog/pressure go away? What do you think is my issue? Was my relationship traumatizing to me? Do you think I'm am recovering or will recover and enjoy life again?
Thanks!
Back Story:
I've always had anxiety ever since I can remember. I remember how I was when I was little. Always overthinking, always worrying especially at night. Fast forward to my teenage years i learned to cope with anxiety a lot better but still had isssues with it. It kept me from doing lots of things. Around age 14/15 my parents got a divorce. It was tough and I acted out. Eventually I came to terms that it was for the better and started to progress and mature with my anxiety/depression as I got older. I got off meds, because they made me feel worse (numb and fake feeling). I told myself I would get better without them, I didn't like the fact that something was altering me and my brain. I wanted to know that if I did get better and do things that I couldn't before, it was all me. Not some pill. So around age 16 I stopped meds.
I am now 21 and have made huge progress in my anxiety area WITHOUT MEDS. Well, atleast that's what I though. I was doing so good, hardly any panic attacks. I would only get nervous about normal things that most people would. Around October of last year I started getting really stressed. There were some of the regular stressers, like finding a job, if I should go back to school, basically my life plan. I was kinda being pressured a bit by my parents to get my life started. But there was one huge stresser... my girlfriend. I had been dating her on and off for 3 years. Lately it had been super rough. We've had all sorts of fights leading me to have anger outbursts which I hadn't had in years. It was causing me so much stress. When we argued I literally could feel my neck tensing up. Now I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy. I play hockey I do manual labor for work. But it got to the point in these arguments that I would just burst out in tears. I felt hopeless. Like there was nothing I could do. I loved her but she was essentially ruining my life. I wanted to kick her out and move back home but my pride would let me. Eventually I said screw it, kicked her out and was blessed to have my parents help me with rent. I initially felt better. I was hanging out with friends, meeting different people. I though I had finally gotten over the stressful burden. Until one night, I was out with the boys. We were just chilling hanging out. I had been really nervous that day for some reason. We went downtown that night. And the whole time we were there (3 hours) I was in a constant state of anxiety. We finally left and on the way home I felt weird. I didn't know what was going on. After i got home i still felt very weird and couldn't shake it. Usally my anxiety would vanish when I got back to a "safe place." I figured I should eat something, maybe my sugar was low. Went to the store and grabbed some cereal. The feeling got worse and worse. I got back to the car after leaving the store and had a full blown panic attack worse than I ever have had. I called my dad and rushed to his house. That's when it all started.
DP Journey:
My life had turned into hell. The next morning I felt off. Just distant from everything. Not able to feel. It was so weird and I obsessed over it. I researched and researched and found there was no "cure" and I might have it forever. Then I panicked more. I was a mess Thanksigiving and Christmas were a blur and I felt horrible. I couldn't enjoy things anymore. I was having panic attacks every day where the DP/DR would get even worse. This was my life now. Eventually upon reading recovery story's on here and elsewhere i tried to take the advice to just forget it. To have a idgaf attitude. It's been hard. I still notice it for sure but I have made progress. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in about 3weeks. I mainly get up and just feel bleh, like I have no energy. I still feel disconnected but maybe it's not as bad. I am able to drive and get out of the house. Maybe I have gotten used to it. I don't know. I kinda have like this foggy head still, kinda like a pressure around my forehead and eyes. I still struggle everyday with the thought that I might not ever get back to my old self. I might not ever recover. That is scary to me. I guess I'm just scared if i am recovering or not. I scared about not being able to be 100% if am I fully recovered if I do get that far. Maybe I just experience DP/DR during the panic attack and I obsessed over it and now I'm in a constant state of hyper awareness. These are the thoughts that run through my mind daily and I feel as if I have no answers.
I would like to here from you guys. I know many of you are experienced and recovered. How does it feel? Do you really truly recover or just slowly forget about it? Does the brain fog/pressure go away? What do you think is my issue? Was my relationship traumatizing to me? Do you think I'm am recovering or will recover and enjoy life again?
Thanks!
