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Hello all. First post so go easy on me. (21 year old male)

Back Story:

I've always had anxiety ever since I can remember. I remember how I was when I was little. Always overthinking, always worrying especially at night. Fast forward to my teenage years i learned to cope with anxiety a lot better but still had isssues with it. It kept me from doing lots of things. Around age 14/15 my parents got a divorce. It was tough and I acted out. Eventually I came to terms that it was for the better and started to progress and mature with my anxiety/depression as I got older. I got off meds, because they made me feel worse (numb and fake feeling). I told myself I would get better without them, I didn't like the fact that something was altering me and my brain. I wanted to know that if I did get better and do things that I couldn't before, it was all me. Not some pill. So around age 16 I stopped meds.

I am now 21 and have made huge progress in my anxiety area WITHOUT MEDS. Well, atleast that's what I though. I was doing so good, hardly any panic attacks. I would only get nervous about normal things that most people would. Around October of last year I started getting really stressed. There were some of the regular stressers, like finding a job, if I should go back to school, basically my life plan. I was kinda being pressured a bit by my parents to get my life started. But there was one huge stresser... my girlfriend. I had been dating her on and off for 3 years. Lately it had been super rough. We've had all sorts of fights leading me to have anger outbursts which I hadn't had in years. It was causing me so much stress. When we argued I literally could feel my neck tensing up. Now I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy. I play hockey I do manual labor for work. But it got to the point in these arguments that I would just burst out in tears. I felt hopeless. Like there was nothing I could do. I loved her but she was essentially ruining my life. I wanted to kick her out and move back home but my pride would let me. Eventually I said screw it, kicked her out and was blessed to have my parents help me with rent. I initially felt better. I was hanging out with friends, meeting different people. I though I had finally gotten over the stressful burden. Until one night, I was out with the boys. We were just chilling hanging out. I had been really nervous that day for some reason. We went downtown that night. And the whole time we were there (3 hours) I was in a constant state of anxiety. We finally left and on the way home I felt weird. I didn't know what was going on. After i got home i still felt very weird and couldn't shake it. Usally my anxiety would vanish when I got back to a "safe place." I figured I should eat something, maybe my sugar was low. Went to the store and grabbed some cereal. The feeling got worse and worse. I got back to the car after leaving the store and had a full blown panic attack worse than I ever have had. I called my dad and rushed to his house. That's when it all started.

DP Journey:

My life had turned into hell. The next morning I felt off. Just distant from everything. Not able to feel. It was so weird and I obsessed over it. I researched and researched and found there was no "cure" and I might have it forever. Then I panicked more. I was a mess Thanksigiving and Christmas were a blur and I felt horrible. I couldn't enjoy things anymore. I was having panic attacks every day where the DP/DR would get even worse. This was my life now. Eventually upon reading recovery story's on here and elsewhere i tried to take the advice to just forget it. To have a idgaf attitude. It's been hard. I still notice it for sure but I have made progress. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in about 3weeks. I mainly get up and just feel bleh, like I have no energy. I still feel disconnected but maybe it's not as bad. I am able to drive and get out of the house. Maybe I have gotten used to it. I don't know. I kinda have like this foggy head still, kinda like a pressure around my forehead and eyes. I still struggle everyday with the thought that I might not ever get back to my old self. I might not ever recover. That is scary to me. I guess I'm just scared if i am recovering or not. I scared about not being able to be 100% if am I fully recovered if I do get that far. Maybe I just experience DP/DR during the panic attack and I obsessed over it and now I'm in a constant state of hyper awareness. These are the thoughts that run through my mind daily and I feel as if I have no answers.

I would like to here from you guys. I know many of you are experienced and recovered. How does it feel? Do you really truly recover or just slowly forget about it? Does the brain fog/pressure go away? What do you think is my issue? Was my relationship traumatizing to me? Do you think I'm am recovering or will recover and enjoy life again?

Thanks!
 

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Hi this is my first post.i have been diagnosed with ocd and im currently struggling with what I think is dp.
I have obsessive thoughts about existence why am I me? Why does anything exist?. Etc I also keep saying in my head that I'm anxious that I exist. I get this really strange feeling sometimes like I'm trapped in my body. I am currently off work because of it. I am really looking for hope or to hear from anyone in a similar situation or of anyone that has come through this hell
Please get in touch
 
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