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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

Just to tell you my explanation of dp/dr.

For me, DP is, per example this :

I go to the gym. I do stair master, read books at the same time, I try to feel like I was before when I'd go to the gym. Grounded. But I feel like my mind is not there. I feel like my mind is constantly on the moon, and I can't go back on earth. Like 2 feets above my head. I don't see myself fron the outside. But I feel like my mind is gone. I TRY to be in the moment, but it doesn't work. I try to accept this fogginess, then I become really sad not to feel here. I have to cry (after the gym). I try to focus on my body when working out, but I don't really feel like this is my body, since I feel drugged. All is foggy and I can't concentrate longer on this sensation.

After the gym, I pass the door, and I feel again, less there. I feel like my mind is where? I don't know. I have trouble to picture clearly in my mind the work out session. I just go to my house, and try to think of something, of the next step, but I can't think clearly. And because I can't think clearly, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a sense of identity. I can't think of this identity for a long time because my dp get worse. So I go home, and clueless, think of nothing, feel nothing, but sadness. And fear.

And my mind is a constant running PC who tries to figure out why my memory is gone, why will I not remember what I've jusy done the minute before, how meds works, what can help me, and how to cope, how to be happy. How to continue working ou when I feel like my mind will NEVER go back into my body, and that I will NEVER feel myself, just me, again.

I just try to understand how my mind works, and I can't. I can't focus on the present.

And I cry. And I look at jobs, and I figure out how will I do the jobs.

That is my DP/DR.

And for dr, it's really like enter the twilight zone. I try these days not to focus on environment (I have sunglasses and plan to get glasses), because it makes me realize I don't feel grounded anymore. So I try not to focus, but I am so sad.

Yesterday, I was having a good time with my sister-in-law. We laughed, ect. But again, I felt almost that is wasn't really me who laughed and had a good time. I felt so fake. I felt my mind was outward, even when concentrating. Sometimes my mind goes 3-4-5 feets above my head (it's a figure, it's dont see myself frome the outside), then I really feel disconnected. And I freak out. Then I realize I don't feel there, and it's worse.

I feel like I don't live my life even thought I do all things that was giving me joy before delivery. I swear.

It's hard. I can't stop crying. It's so hard.

Thanks for being there.

Cynthia xxx
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I relate to EVERYthing you said, except at my worst, I couldn't leave the house so the gym was not an option.

I lived that way for nearly 20 yrs. my dear....some years almost bearable, some years so horrific that I could not leave the house (LITERALLY could not leave the house....I spent every minute of my days thinking about Sanity and how to keep myself there.....ten minutes couldn't pass without my thinking I was about to go totally insane.)

I was not 'there' - I felt like I was holding onto one TINY sliver of my Self that was vanishing, or floating away at any second.

It's HORRIBLE. Utterly horrible, Cynthia, and you describe it perfectly.

Remember, it is also NOT brain damage. I had it, I lived it. for SO long. And it's not there anymore.

Please never lose faith. And remember, NO amount of self-observation will EVER help you....it feels like it does. But it makes it worse.

Love,
J
 

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cynthia your descrption fits how i feel perfectley......its weird how no joy comes anymore how we go through the motions of a day without really been there....

.....i too have been how janine was do afraid to leave the house yet scared shitless in the house....i am slowley trying to break this....i find i can go out if i have company....but am struggling to be independant and venture out into the big wide world on my own......

.....but on a good note i managed to go to the gym myself today with a friend and it was packed but i didnt freak out and i didnt let it put me off going in.....i actually am quite pleased with myself for going even though its one of the worst places to be with all the mirrors everywhere.....

one day cynthia we will wonder what the hell we were so bothered about all this will be a horrible distant memory......or so i hope anyway
 

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A good description, Cynthia. I douldn't describe it so detailed. But I have one thing I don't get. Why do I have this blackness in my mind? It's as if the future didn't exist at all, although I know it does.I never plan the next day. Normal people probably think, or better yet imagine in some complicated way something like "monday, gotta go to work again, damn it sucks, the weekend's always so short, oh yeah, tomorrow I have to do some shopping and call Dexter" and whatever. For me it's blank. I seem to go by my instincts without thinking about it, like animals I'm sure. Is it like this for everyone?
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Cynthia everyone once in awhile somebody comes here that touches me more deeply than others..........to me you are on of these people.
I feel your pain,if only I had a magic wand,I'd make you better right now:)

Perhaps I am wrong but it seems to me that you are very depressed over what is happeneing to you.
I recall being so miserable,so terribly sad and miserable all day and all night.
Some of my symptoms were coming from my depression.
Unfortunately not my dp but in a way it was making the dp or coping with dp worse.
If you could get help for your depression,maybe your life would be just a little more easy to bare.
I was watching the movie Sylvia recently.She was talking with a friend who also suffered with depression,she asked him "what can I do"? he replied "keep going".
It sounds too simple right?"keep going" yet somehow I think it's very important.

When my mind would keep focusing on thoughts that made me frightened,anxious,depressed my psychiatrist would say the best way to deal with that is to not think about it.
At first I thought he was just patronising me but I had nothing else to go on and I had some trust in his opinion so I did just that.
Everytime I had unwanted thoughts,I saw a big red STOP sign in my mind and I would tell myself like a naughty child.......don't even go there.

I did this everyday,every hour.After a week or so the thoughts would be less.They lost their power,I had more control over my mind.
This might not work for everyone.Why not give it a try.....who knows,it won't make things worse.

Cynthia give yourself a pat on the back for going out to the gym etc.
We can be so hard on ourselves.
A good friend here just reminded me that I showed courage when I go on a plane (I'm terribly phobic),she's right,atleast I get on the damn things.
You also show courage,Cynthia even if you feel weak,you keep going :)

I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you.
Listen to Janine she will guide you well.

All the best Love Shelly
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks for being there. And thanks for understanding. It's a relief for me that people get to understand really what I feel. I don't know why but it's an obsession to me to describe how I feel the more accurate possible, to me it's like painting it or picture this illness.

Janine, thanks as always for being there. I need your advices.

Dreamcatcher, Maria and Shelly, thanks. Just for talking to me. Maria I feel the same way you talk about. No future. :( Shelly, yes I feel deeply deeply depressed, it's more than depression. I feel there is no hope. It's really hard keeping going. That is why I will take an AD.

Janine, yes I know I have not to self-monitor. It's SO hard. That is why I search for some kind of meds to helf me focus outward.

You know you all touched me with your posts. Sometimes I feel like I am on a operation table, and I am going to have a major surgery, and I don't know if I will be OK. I am afraid, so afraid. and I need someone who guide me and give me his hand and tell me : It will be okay. Somedays, you are this hand.

C xxx
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I don't know why but it's an obsession to me to describe how I feel the more accurate possible, to me it's like painting it or picture this illness.
I'm STILL doing that! LOL....I will go to my grave, an old and happy woman, STILL obsessed with trying to perfectly describe my mental experiences from years ago!

There is Bad obsession and then there is just obsession.

Love you, my kindred spirit,
Janine
 
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