Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 20 of 66 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
During December 2018 I had a small period of depersonalization that lasted roughly 8 days, and after that, it appeared to be gone.

But then, in February 2019 my Dpdr came back, and from there it gradually got worse and worse.

Every month that passed my Dpdr would constantly increase in intensity and kept getting worse, every that day that passed I would feel more and more detached from reality and from everyone around.

The scariest part of all of this is that my Dpdr seems to be an almost bottomless pit, when I thought I reached the bottom of it, when I thought "OK, it can't get any worse than this" my Dpdr would always, ALWAYS manage to get worse than its current situation.

It has gotten so bad to the point in which at some point I began suspecting that perhaps I was having a brain tumor and that was the reason of why my Dpdr was keeping getting worse, although it is very unlikely that I might have a brain tumor considering I don't seem to suffer from the common "physical" symptoms of one (constant headache, nausea and vomiting, felling sickness etc.) so I simple scratched that theory.

At this point, I simply don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore, to this day my Dpdr keeps getting worse and keeps reaching depths that I didn't know were possible to reach, the only possible path that I see in all of this is that my Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions, and after that I would simply die.

I simply dunno what to do at this point, it seems as if I'm simply waiting for my inevitable death to come.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
393 Posts
Haha, Wauw.I could've written this. I have the exact same thing, It's getting worse with time. "Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions".

Exactly this, I am barely "here" anymore. And I am going further in the hole. I don't understand it anymore. This shit is progressive for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
Hello. I just wanted to say that in the grand scheme of things, 3 months isn't so bad. When I had dpdr before I found that it came in waves of severity. So I spent roughly 3-4 months at the lowest, where it seemed like every day was getting worse. Then I caught a break and experienced some relief from symptoms after about 6 months, then I rode out basically constant dpdr of fluctuating severity for a year. After that I was fixed. However no matter how bad it got I always believed in my recovery and was always doing small good things to bring it about. Have faith, it might get worse yet again. But it will get better in the long run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
75 Posts
I could have written this...
I literally Just wanted to write something very similar.

It's been progressive for me for over a year now with the last 6 months of IT daily.

I believe it must be something physical as I can't believe it can become so intense.

Did or so you currently Take meditations that affect your brain?

Can you Tell your Symptoms?
For me Personally it's very difficult to read and I feel Like I have the awareness of an ant. My brain almost doesn't notice anything around & my sensory Processing is very much reduced.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
75 Posts
"At this point, I simply don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore, to this day my Dpdr keeps getting worse and keeps reaching depths that I didn't know were possible to reach, the only possible path that I see in all of this is that my Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions, and after that I would simply die."

You're probably the First Person I've found I can relate to
o.

Can you please Tell your symptoms and how it started?

I thought I was the only Person with progressive so.

But the worst started 6 months ago where I stopped experiencing any pleasure because my ability to process my surroundings would lower itself more and more and I Souls feel Like days or miles away from everything and this intensified. I'd Just be in a Bubble and Not be able to percieve the weather or Car Sounds und other noises in a "sane" way. It's Just a snippet, there's a Lot more but memory ist very Bad and also can barely Express weirdness of Symptoms but I thought that Level of progressiveness had nothing to do with dpdr anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you for the support, here's a list of symptoms I have been experiencing.

The first, and probably the most obvious one is that every action that I make and every thought that I have seems to be automatic. Which I know might sound obvious from someone suffering from dpdr, but because my Dpdr is so intense me being automatic is taken to a whole new level.

One second I'm here doing something and the next second I'm somewhere else doing something else, how did I got here? What happened in between this thing and that thing? I don't know, I was not there.

Another scary fact is that I'm not aware when I'm having a discussion, when I talk to somebody words simply comes out of mouth without me being aware of it, it always makes me question: where do this words come from? Was it me that spoke?

Another symptom i seem to be having is that my brain is not aware of reality, for example when someone wakes up in the morning the first thing that comes to their mind is "oh hey, I'm awake!" but when I do wake up in the morning my mind doesn't seem to get that prompt and instead it automatically begins the day.

Another symptom Is that when I wake up in the morning I always feel as if thousand of years have passed since yesterday night, because I spent so much time in the world of dreams when I wake up in the morning I always need to remind to myself who am I and where am I.

Another symptom is that I feel as if life is like a dream, I always feel as if I'm not living on earth but rather inside my mind, and thus not aware of what happens in the outside world, the information that I gather from the world and from the conversations that I have are stored in my mind, I'm just not aware of that.

Another symptom is that I always feel stressed, unable to find pleasure in actions that are usually pleasurable, when i'm doing something that's meant to be pleasurable I immediately skip to the next, again and again, unable to find something to stick with, almost as if was suffering from ADHD, it seems as if my mind despises reality and doesn't want to be in it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
75 Posts
Another symptom i seem to be having is that my brain is not aware of reality, for example when someone wakes up in the morning the first thing that comes to their mind is "oh hey, I'm awake!" but when I do wake up in the morning my mind doesn't seem to get that prompt and instead it automatically begins the day. - this

Another symptom is that I feel as if life is like a dream, I always feel as if I'm not living on earth but rather inside my mind, and thus not aware of what happens in the outside world, the information that I gather from the world and from the conversations that I have are stored in my mind, I'm just not aware of that. - this

Another symptom is that I always feel stressed, unable to find pleasure in actions that are usually pleasurable, when i'm doing something that's meant to be pleasurable I immediately skip to the next, again and again, unable to find something to stick with, almost as if was suffering from ADHD, it seems as if my mind despises reality and doesn't want to be in it. - this.

I can relate with Most of your Symptoms.
But what was your triggering Event?
Are you on medications?
I'm trying to figure Out why it would be progressive for us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
The triggering event was a nightmare that I had.

In this nightmare I was suffering because my Dpdr came back and made my life a living hell.

When I woke up in the morning I felt scared, and during the day I was having the symptom that I could no longer hear my thoughts. From there the situation got worse, my Dpdr came back and it all snowballed from there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Quick update.

My depersonalization is still getting worse and now it has become literally unbearable.

I'm simply no longer of aware of reality, when I wake up in the morning I'm not aware that I have returned to reality, the dream and the reality are no longer distinguishable, reality feels like the continuation of the dream rather than the end of it,I simply feel like a robot and I'm not aware of when I talk to somebody or do something, I go through the day and I'm simply not aware of it, every 2 seconds I ask to myself "wait, how did I get here? What happened before getting here?"

I can no longer go like this, my life is slowly getting thorn apart from dp and I don't know how to make it stop.

It won't stop, it just won't stop getting worse, there truly seems to be no bottom to this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
I feel so sorry for you bro.
Just hang in there, there WILL be a better day. U've got to believe that. We're all together in this horror condition.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
Hey Wewlad,

man, I so feel this. I'm only able to function on a basic level through sheer force of will. I also get those thoughts about how did I get here. It feels like every moment I find myself doing something new and I'm like wait, how the fuck am I here now.

My life has been truly destroyed by this all but actually, there is a bottom to it and there is a level where it doesn't get worse. That level is a dark, dark kind of hell where you're completely shut off to events and reality.

On the bright side:

A few years ago I read a book called the slight edge. The basic essence of the book makes you think about doing small things over time for big results. When you're at the lowest of the low, with no control of your mind, there is still an ability to make good choices. I've been doing these things for a few months and the good news is after a while, these thoughts don't hit with so much power, and you regain some functionality. I've been trying to treat my body like an incubation pod, making it as healthy as possible in the hopes my mind will follow suit.

On top of gym, walking, reading, (all things I've started to do in the last few months), tonight I'm starting supplementing with magnesium and inositol. Maybe then in a month, I'll be a little better still
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for the reply, but as the situation currently stands I can't think of anything else except my dp

I'm so fucking scared right now, I feel as if I'm living my last moments as a lucid person before entering the realm of insanity.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing to alleviate the symptoms, I'm just to deep into the dp to be able to properly function right now
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
I understand. Only do what you can do man, if that means taking an early night that's all you gotta do. It might be a while, you're not going insane. You'll be okay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
821 Posts
I know its hard, but keep positive mate. The world is changing at a rate of knots, HIV has been cured, cancer will be cured within a year... what are all those incredible minds going to do next? Go on to the next massive problem in the world. Depression and DP seemingly have many different causes which makes this tricky. But for all you know, a recovery story is just around the corner of something you will try that cures/helps your specific cause.

I am trying something new this week, and it will sound crazy to a lot of people. But microdosing magic mushrooms has cured a lot of peoples dissociation, lifelong depression, anxiety and PTSD. I am not suggesting you try that, but I am doing it this week and will be updating my thread as I go. If you're going through hell, keep going. Stay hopeful and keep trying new things, you never know what will help you specifically
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I appreciate the support that you guys are giving me, but unfortunately it's not as easy as it sounds.

It is hard to have hope when your situation has got only one direction: downhill

I try to stay positive thinking that I will eventually get rid of it, but it's not working.

My Dpdr keeps getting worse, it just won't stop getting worse, everyday that passed it keeps getting worse and there seems to be no stopping it.

I simply don't know what's going to happen to me, if at first the idea of losing lucidity seemed to be impossible, with my Dpdr getting worse by the day this might not be so impossible after all.

I try to not think about it and just live the day, but when you are this much detached from reality it is nearly damn impossible to focus on anything else than your symptoms.

I tried having hope, but it doesn't work, and it will never work as long as my Dpdr keeps getting worse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
The problem with DPD in my experience is just how fucking long it takes to get any kind of result. When you don't wake up feeling any better, it shatters you. I live this daily.

At least know that whatever your experiencing is a nervous system disorder and is completely recoverable, for all of us. Don't lose sight of that bud
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Another update on my situation.

As you would expect, my Dpdr has gotten worse, it has gotten so bad to the point in which I simply lost my sense of identity.

I no longer seem to be able to control myself, I'm no longer aware of what I do through the day, I feel as if I'm in a coma and that I'm only able to hear things and sounds from the outside.

At this point I believe it's fair to say that this is my end, this is how I'm going to die. Dpdr will never reach a bottom, it will never get to point to which it can't get any worse.

If the dark bottom hell of dpdr is the one in which you are completely shut off from the events and reality, then I'm afraid i will reach that bottom very soon.

There's nothing I can do, attempting to calm down or trying coping mechanism do nothing in trying to alleviate the symptoms, not even meditating has given any kind of relief.

I'm afraid this is it, this is my demise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
393 Posts
Another update on my situation.

As you would expect, my Dpdr has gotten worse, it has gotten so bad to the point in which I simply lost my sense of identity.

I no longer seem to be able to control myself, I'm no longer aware of what I do through the day, I feel as if I'm in a coma and that I'm only able to hear things and sounds from the outside.

At this point I believe it's fair to say that this is my end, this is how I'm going to die. Dpdr will never reach a bottom, it will never get to point to which it can't get any worse.

If the dark bottom hell of dpdr is the one in which you are completely shut off from the events and reality, then I'm afraid i will reach that bottom very soon.

There's nothing I can do, attempting to calm down or trying coping mechanism do nothing in trying to alleviate the symptoms, not even meditating has given any kind of relief.

I'm afraid this is it, this is my demise.
Did you try any medication? And don't talk like that dude, there is always hope.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
I'm like you in that coping mechanisms don't really work very well for me, so I just don't. Don't bother with conventional coping mechanisms that don't work, because DP turns so much on it's head. They can sometimes do the opposite. Instead, to get better it is vital that you feel as shit as you need to feel at any given time, you body is just letting off bad energy.

one thing that helps me get through the day is something I once read that no pain can last forever as we have chemistry to deal with these things.

Be brave friend and never, EVER give up
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
No, I haven't tried any type of medication so far.

I have always been against the idea of using medication, as I'm scared that I will either get addicted to it and unable to return to a normal life without it or that medications in the long run will end up causing a bigger than already is, and that's the last thing I want to happen.

I have also had the chance to talk to a psychotherapist about it and he told me that if I was against medication and afraid of those they would end up not creating the result expected from them. So he suggested to not use them and instead just use talk therapy.
 
1 - 20 of 66 Posts
Top