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So...this is my story experiencing Depersonalization (and also some derealazation). I have been suffering this for One year now, and truth be told, it has been the most horrendous, emotional , hardest time of my whole life. I'm no stranger to Mental Health issues, but Depersonalization has pushed me to limits.

I hope this helps people. Feel free to message me if you would like to talk. I totally understand the hell of this and I am still in battle myself with this condition

How it began for me

Months & Months of Anxiety, Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts took a grip of me. One night, I was in my Bedroom & in the click of the fingers I felt reality become very strange to me. I was looking outside my Bedroom window & the world looked different, I also had the feeling of "impending doom". From that moment, my mind cut reality off and went into Depersonalization.

It is "VERY" hard to explain, but I felt as if my brain has just had enough of the constant anxiety and panic. I felt like everything become strange to me, reality, my house,memories, people and I also had bad tunnel vision. It was soooooo scary. I felt as if I had no idea who I was, where I was, a strange feeling blanketed me everywhere I went. I went to bed that night, and hoped by Morning it would be gone. The next day was HELL.

I felt what can only be described as a "stoned" feeling, I felt like I had smoked 10 joints (not sure what it is named anywhere else, but in UK we call smoking Weed a "Joint". I felt high as fuck all day. Later that day, I decided to go shopping & I swere I felt like I was on every drug available, I felt like I was tripping, stoned and a out-of-body sensation, I was looking around the store and I felt like my Soul had just left my body and I was High. That lasted an entire Day and it was horrible, I lay in bed crying to get this sensation to go (please see attached picture, this is EXACTLY how I felt that particular Day)

Then it just got gradually worst and worst, with more horrendous symptoms. I felt literally as if something was out my body, I felt like my body was on autopilot, like I was just observing my body doing things, but it's not me controlling it at all (A good example of this would be if I was writing, I would watch my hand and I swere it feels like my hand is not connected to my body AT ALL, like I am watching someone else's hand writing, it's so crazy.

I began to feel as if I was not in my body...it was the SCARIEST feeling in the world, I would cry 24/7 and it was mentally traumatic, so much so, I can't even remember much of that period of the Depersonalization, it's like my mind has erased most of it.

For months, I just had this feeling...stoned, out of body, autopilot and I had this 24/7 and just when I was emotionally and physically drained by this hell, then I got MORE depersonalization symptoms. By this point, I was a mental wreck, depression set in, I had thoughts of suicide to end it all, I was very very very anxious 24/7 and the panic attacks got so bad I would faint, that's how bad I got, I would wake up screaming, pulling my hair, hitting myself in pure sheer desperation for it to go. Now, looking back, seem's stupid, but for those who have suffered Depersonalization to such an extent you know how it feels.

So just when I thought this could not get anymore worst than what it was I got more symptoms. Physical numbness (I still have this symptom) I got it throughout my whole body, but now I have it in my face all the time, best way to describe it, it feels like you have had a numbing shot (you know like the one you get at the Dentist) well, that....but your WHOLE body....is it horrible and many a times, I honestly believed it was some kind of Stroke, but after, I learned this is a common symptom when suffering Depersonalization....I know it is horrible, but I promise, this does pass.

Memory problems. This is the worst symptom for me, and this is still present. I can not mentally picture my memories at all, well some I can, but one's like for example (finding my Dad passed away) I can not for the love of god mentally picture it in my mind what so ever, it feels like my mind as just blocked it and any other traumatic memory's. My memory's are very strange to me, i.e. memories of living at my old house, memories of my Baby being born, memories of WHO I WAS before this, I have no idea what reality felt like, how I used to feel as me, what normality felt like.....nothing...boom....gone. I can not for the love of God remember who on earth I was, I look at old video's and photographs of me and I don't know who I am, I feel like I don't recognise me at all, my personality, my face, my body....my frikken life!!

"How can things be real" thoughts...this is the main one I am now suffering and they're Hell on earth. I don't know if these what is called "existential thoughts"? But I had the same thoughts years ago when I suffered Derealazation many years ago for 6 months. I keep thinking about how on earth can things exist? I know I am looking at an object, but is it really there? What if life is just nothing but an illusion? How can things exist if it is not alive i.e. objects? These are the intrusive thoughts I get every single day and they drive me crazy.

Where I am at now with my recovery. I would say I am about 75 percent better, I still do get the High feeling, but it doesn't bother me anymore, I still feel 100 percent detached from reality, but I'm use to it now, it still does scare me alot, but I have gotten sooooo use to it now and the intrusive thoughts but alot of it has got better for me and now I will tell you know, this way has helped me A LOT and if done correctly you will get better.

How to get better.

1. Understanding Depersonalization/derealazation is not designed to harm you at all, if anything, it is a defence mechanism our minds do in order to protect us, this will never hurt you. Trust your body, trust your mind....TRUST IT, don't question it, don't Google it, don't obsess about it. You're still 100 percent in control, you control your body....you're not missing much, reality is just abit strange....so what.

2. Read up on it. Learn about why your mind has done this, learn about how your mind has switched into subconscious mode, its fascinating and it really makes you realise it isnt scary at all

3. Stop giving a damn. The key to recover is your attitude, if you lay in bed crying and wishing it away, sorry but it won't go, you have to get up and get on with it, you have to find that inner strength in you, you have it, it's there. I know how hard it is, but believe me, you mind must be reassured you're safe and okay and I promise you'll get 50 percent better very quickly (if you'rs is anxiety based)

I hope this helps someone. Feel free to ask me any Questions.

Speedy recovery you guys!

Love, Sharon... dp survivor
 

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Great post Sharon :)

Point 2 about the mind switching into subconscious mode, now you mention it I'm sure I've read something about that I'd like to read properly. Do you have a link?
 
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