[rob35235]

I want to start a diary/blog to log what I've been doing and how I'm feeling on each day. Feel free to join in, or just watch. If you notice any correlations, let me know.

I'm 40...older than almost everyone here. I've had DR for about 10 years, but mine didn't have a fixed starting point. I smoke pot heavily in my early to mid 20's and somewhat into my late 20's. I think it developed gradually.

During the first 7 or so years, I was agoraphobic, and never left the house except for when I absolutely HAD to. Recently, in the 2013-2017 time frame, I had a good spell, where I was doing much more and generally doing better.

For some reason, starting an exercise routine correlated with triggering a total and complete chaos relapse back about 6 weeks after, the first week of October 2017. I was at the store one day, and everything suddenly faded into a really bad dream like state, and I've been balls the the wall ever since. I currently have a new component to my symptoms...depression feelings, which I've never really had much before.

First general entry, Nov. 21, 2017. It's past 4pm and I just woke up from sleeping over 12 hours, very unusual for me. But I feel a bit better than I did last night. yesterday was hell. I was so gone, that I thought this was surely it - I was going completely mad. I did an hour of cardiovascular exercise on my treadmill last night, thought it might help, ate a sandwich, and then conked out for the 12+ hours. When I laid down in bed last night, I was despondent. I actually started crying because I thought I wasn't going to see my daughter again. I don't cry. I'm going over the edge, I felt.

Today, I feel mildly depressed at the moment. DR is a 4/10 with 10 being the worse I've ever had. Last night was a 9/10 for sure. Hasn't been that bad in many years.

 

[rob35235]

Earlier tonight, went out to dinner w/ my family. Was sort of OK while out. Relaxed and low stress. The 12 hour sleep helped, I think. During the few hours after I got home, I was feeling slightly positive, but now the depression/no hope for the future feeling that's surrounded my DR lately, is starting to nose in again. Still not the worst.

Something odd I noticed tonight. There was a shooting at another restaurant near where we were eating tonight (bad neighborhood). When I saw that pop up on Facebook, I felt more alert and a bit nervous. But, I had one of those famous "Brief moments" of reality at the same time. It's almost as if the DR center of my brain is set in reverse. When I'm in a low stress situation (99.9% of the time) my DR is worse. When something is going on, or I'm surprised by something, I often snap out of it all for a moment. Not sure if there's anything to this, but I've noticed it a few times in the last week or so. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

Hopefully time to get some sleep now, but I dunno.

 

[rob35235]

Nov. 22 2017

4pm:

Slept about 8 hours from 6am-2pm looks like my sleeping pattern is messed up again.

DR is a 4/10 and depression level is creeping back up some 6/10

Tomorrow is probably going to be hell. Being Thanksgiving here in the US, I may not get much sleep and will have to be around a lot of people outside my house tomorrow. Don't really care for holidays at all.

6PM:

Getting ready to go out for a bit to a skating rink with the all important family. LOUD music, weird lights, big crowds incoming... hell...beats pacing around my house like a lunatic, I guess.

DR is 6/10 and depression is 6/10. Not so good right now. I hope to get some more cardio in later tonight.

The only way to improve DR is to expose yourself outside the house and force your way through uncomfortable scenarios. That's how I semi-recovered last time 4 years ago. Feels completely hopeless this time around, but what other choice do I have...asking a doctor for help? Lmao...

11:15pm:

Scratch the above, didn't go out tonight. I was going to, but the family was being lazy. It's really odd, as of late, when I've been feeling worse, I want to get out of the house. The opposite used to be true.

I did an hour of cardio exercise. I was really, really out of it up until about an hour after I worked out. Right my my DR is 6/10 and depression is 5/10, but I feel relaxed from my workout.... I may try to crash early tonight. Tomorrow will suck no matter what...lots of people sitting around starting at each other.

I've been reading up on the entiric nervous system. Anyone ever heard of it? http://abcnews.go.com/Health/anxiety-head-gut/story?id=20229136

4am: Up late, feeling pretty good tonight. DR is only a 3/10 and depression is only a 2/10. . No rhyme or reason for this.

 

[rob35235]

Thanksgiving was pretty average as of late. Up and down on the DR and depression scale. I keep wondering why I have this weird nauseated feeling that seems to get worse when my DR and depressive feeling is worse? This is kind of new.

On Thanksgiving night, I went to "Black Friday" which I have never gone to in the past...it's a ridiculous American concept, look it up. Very large crowds, fluorescent lights, loud talking. You get the picture. I did it for exposure therapy, to get out of the house, etc...and as if to tell my DR, "F--k you" and you know what, I felt pretty good later that night, even though my DR was off the charts bad while I was at the store.

Friday Nov. 24. The first few hours of the morning was good. Then it went downhill. But not too far downhill. Why does taking a hot shower improve the way I feel temporarily? I feel like sleeping 12 hours again.