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Hi,

I am only 15 but I was diagnosed with DPD a year ago, I think I've had it for a year before that but the symptoms were very slow. Initially, I thought I was just growing up and that this was how life went. You grew up and stopped feeling so real, or that's what I tried to convince myself. Eventually I started lashing out to people to try to seek help for this problem but no one really understood it or could help me. Girls became my solution and while I wasn't much for dating at such a young age I would latch on to any girl willing to listen and tell her how I felt. This was my freshman year of high school and it made it a lot easier to find girls to talk to. It led me down the wrong path though and I turned to alcohol I could find around my parents house. I stole their whiskey and their vodka to try to feel a little more like my actions had consequences but nothing came from it. So one night I stole my parents car and took it to the lake to see if I would feel real in nature. But I felt nothing. My parents had a tracker on my phone so they knew I snuck out of the house and when I came back home they grounded me for a month but it still didn't mean anything to me. I felt nothing and I just wanted to be myself again and feel real again. So I changed my life around a bit, I started going to the doctors and making all the steps I could to make my life a better place. It seemed though that nothing was working. I had anxiety and depression which were both treated by the doctor and it was assumed that my DPD was just a symptom of depression. So the doctor put me on medicine and I was desperate for anything at this point so I tried a bunch of different things. Zoloft, Prozac, Celexa, Lexapro. In a matter of 6 months I had lost my brain to depression meds. It made my depersonalization become much much worse than it was before. So around December of last year I sort of just gave up and went off my meds. Things got a little better, I wasn't depressed anymore and I stopped struggling, I sort of just gave up which made the DPD feel a little bit better. I wasn't struggling to find a solution and drowning in sadness. Instead it was just a long dull ache, I felt nothing and let my life slowly follow after it. However, since I got DPD it's only gotten worse every day. So of course 2018 was no different. The DPD dropped me into a state of complete emptiness. I began just being unable to function in a normal state and had nothing to really turn to. It made me angry and frustrated and sad despite me not really feeling any of it. Recently the DPD has gotten so bad that some nights I wake up in the middle of the night and sleep walk around my house even though I'm not asleep. Fully aware of where I am, I feel nothing. It's like I'm floating. It has gotten so bad that sometimes I lose physical feeling in my body. The other day I fell because I wasn't sure that my feet were below me. So my mom decided to send me off to my favorite place, one of the places I felt most real at before the DPD had started two years ago. My childhood home in Ohio. I spent time with my cousins and aunts and uncles but despite being around family in the only place I've felt real since I got DPD, I couldn't feel a thing. It's like I'm not really here, just spectating my life and it only gets worse everyday. I've looked at books, articles, studies, you name it but nothing is gonna help me. And to be honest I just wish I could grow up like everybody else. My whole teen years are being squandered by this illness. I try to have fun and do teen things and be with my friends but despite trying my hardest to live my best life I'm still completely apart from my body. I wish that I had a solution and if anyone has anything that might help I'd sure love to hear it but for now I'm considering just admitting myself to a mental hospital where in two weeks they'll put me back out on the streets probably just as bad as I am now. If not worse. Anyway I hope someone finds this and sees my struggles and I hope that maybe this helps someone else feel not so alone but if this is lost along with the rest of the posts then I guess I don't really mean much to the universe anyway.

Frankifur
 
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