Wow! I am so happy to have found these forums, because recently something happened to me through meditation which triggered anxiety and panic attacks and then I started reading about people's depersonalization experiences and I thought, "wow, this is exactly what is going on with me."
I had been meditating for quite a while in order to increase clarity, freedom, and purity of mind, and get in touch with a deeper part of me. I ended up eventually meditating somewhere on an average of about two hours per day, sometimes a bit longer. Around this time is when I started to get nervous about what was happening. It was sort of like tripping on drugs - my senses were constantly heightened as a result, and I was experiencing some pretty crazy things spiritually, or so I thought. Well, it was all great for a while, but then the anxiety kicked in. I became afraid of what was happening, that with my thoughts I would turn the entire into something it wasn't.
And that's just what happened. Shortly after the anxiety starting to intensify, I started to fear that because of the meditation, I was becoming lost in my own mind and that I wouldn't be able to ever fully come back to reality. I felt that a part of my identity or mind got lost with the meditation and that I would be permanently anxious and would have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to be relatively normal. The key thing about this was, that I really did feel an "impending psychosis" ahead of me. I felt EXACTLY like my soul was trying to go somewhere (to that egoless state) but that another part of me was fighting with all its strength to hold onto it, and that THAT was why the anxiety was caused. So this stemmed up a great fear in me. It was all so psychological and out of this world that that made the anxiety a million times worse. I felt that I was out of control because some part of me had been lost in my mind, and with meditation, one could easily see how meditation could be associated with getting lost in my mind. But I didn't worry about getting lost in my mind until after I started getting nervous in the first place.
When all this happened, I was on a camping trip at a music festival that I go to every year. When I returned home, I was not in great shape and I remember walking into my room and not being able to believe that the pictures on the wall I drew were actually me who drew those pictures. I felt like I was in another dimension. I thought this was as a result of the meditation, still, but my mom reassured me "no, I think that's just a manifestation of your fear."
Things aren't so intense now, except I feel occasionally depressed and I still get bouts of anxiety and a need to understand exactly what went on and why the anxiety was caused. When I start feeling the least bit anxious, I have a real problem with obsessive thought. I think about what happened with the meditation even though I've thought over it a million times, I think about all the millions of things that could happen if you feared them happening, and so on. I also feel a lot of times like I don't have stable ground to stand on, that the anxiety just threw everything up in the air and I really don't understand anything about anything. The nature of my very existence baffles me extremely, but only this extremely when I am anxious.
Upon coming to this forum, I was reminded of a feeling that I have had my entire life that I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with it: The recurring thought that I can't believe I'm a real person, that I'm actually a human being on this earth. I have always been very inquisitive by nature, and the need to be aware of myself as a human being and aware of what's going on, aware of the intense mystery of life has always been really strong. But lately it has been even more intense, and the minute I start to get anxious, my mind just spirals and I get this intense desire to understand myself and why my thoughts are the way they are, and why I am the way I am, and so on.
Anyhow, if any of you read throughout this entire thing I greatly appreciate it, I am so relieved to even have found the exact things I was experiencing. I would love comments on this, especially from anybody who has experienced something similar. Thank you!
Liz
I had been meditating for quite a while in order to increase clarity, freedom, and purity of mind, and get in touch with a deeper part of me. I ended up eventually meditating somewhere on an average of about two hours per day, sometimes a bit longer. Around this time is when I started to get nervous about what was happening. It was sort of like tripping on drugs - my senses were constantly heightened as a result, and I was experiencing some pretty crazy things spiritually, or so I thought. Well, it was all great for a while, but then the anxiety kicked in. I became afraid of what was happening, that with my thoughts I would turn the entire into something it wasn't.
And that's just what happened. Shortly after the anxiety starting to intensify, I started to fear that because of the meditation, I was becoming lost in my own mind and that I wouldn't be able to ever fully come back to reality. I felt that a part of my identity or mind got lost with the meditation and that I would be permanently anxious and would have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to be relatively normal. The key thing about this was, that I really did feel an "impending psychosis" ahead of me. I felt EXACTLY like my soul was trying to go somewhere (to that egoless state) but that another part of me was fighting with all its strength to hold onto it, and that THAT was why the anxiety was caused. So this stemmed up a great fear in me. It was all so psychological and out of this world that that made the anxiety a million times worse. I felt that I was out of control because some part of me had been lost in my mind, and with meditation, one could easily see how meditation could be associated with getting lost in my mind. But I didn't worry about getting lost in my mind until after I started getting nervous in the first place.
When all this happened, I was on a camping trip at a music festival that I go to every year. When I returned home, I was not in great shape and I remember walking into my room and not being able to believe that the pictures on the wall I drew were actually me who drew those pictures. I felt like I was in another dimension. I thought this was as a result of the meditation, still, but my mom reassured me "no, I think that's just a manifestation of your fear."
Things aren't so intense now, except I feel occasionally depressed and I still get bouts of anxiety and a need to understand exactly what went on and why the anxiety was caused. When I start feeling the least bit anxious, I have a real problem with obsessive thought. I think about what happened with the meditation even though I've thought over it a million times, I think about all the millions of things that could happen if you feared them happening, and so on. I also feel a lot of times like I don't have stable ground to stand on, that the anxiety just threw everything up in the air and I really don't understand anything about anything. The nature of my very existence baffles me extremely, but only this extremely when I am anxious.
Upon coming to this forum, I was reminded of a feeling that I have had my entire life that I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with it: The recurring thought that I can't believe I'm a real person, that I'm actually a human being on this earth. I have always been very inquisitive by nature, and the need to be aware of myself as a human being and aware of what's going on, aware of the intense mystery of life has always been really strong. But lately it has been even more intense, and the minute I start to get anxious, my mind just spirals and I get this intense desire to understand myself and why my thoughts are the way they are, and why I am the way I am, and so on.
Anyhow, if any of you read throughout this entire thing I greatly appreciate it, I am so relieved to even have found the exact things I was experiencing. I would love comments on this, especially from anybody who has experienced something similar. Thank you!
Liz
